post election redux

The election was a while ago and I had hoped that calmer heads would prevail.  Sadly, that has happened.

I am still worried and feeling insecure. Will my insurance be changed and caps/limits be imposed which can cause me to be die?

Yesterday, the Senate voted to repeal the ACA- the thing that had saved my life.

While I currently I have insurance via a municipality- until the ACA it had a limit attached to it.

I worry for my kids. I worry for people who have been marginalized- who very well may be facing further marginalization.

What now? What next? I will fight for the rights of those people who are facing marginalization.
I will speak up when I see in justice. I raise my children to speak out against injustice.  I will raise my children to call out racism and hate.

Hate has no home here.  My house, my home is a place for inclusion. It is a place for love. Never hate.

She has a temper on her!

This could have been written about me as a child- but I am writing about my Peas, and I need help.

Peas has really big intense feelings, no matter what they are they are intense. Happy is euphoric, sad is the depths of despair.

This is all well and good until we get to anger and frustration- when it manifests as rage.

The angry takes over and she gets stuck in a rage circle. It spirals and spirals out of control with no way to slow down the inertia or change the direction.  It just has to burn itself out. Which can take a long time (like over an hour long time).

While the tantrums are frustrating and hard to deal with the bigger issue is when she lashes out at her siblings or me.  She throws things, breaks things, hits siblings and me.  This does not happen anywhere but at home, anywhere else I hear what an angel she is; and really she can be, most of the time she is.

Peas is getting bigger and is now big enough to do some actual damage to things or people, so it is imperative we find a solution.

One issue specifically that we struggle with is leaving for school.  If she can't find her shoes (there is a black hole of shoes in our house, I swear- its the only way we could lose so many shoes.) or the particular shoes that she wants to wear, It becomes a Chernobyl level meltdown. There can be kicking, hitting, biting, throwing, any number of things, and talking to her just makes it worse.  It just has to burn itself out.

To protect the other kids, and herself, we put her in her room. If I am sick or recovering from a surgery, I cannot fight with her to get her into her room, because she strong.  And I am at a loss.

Once she has calmed down she feels horrible and is so sorry, embarrassed, and totally apologetic.
I just don't know how to get her to the calm stage faster, with less out of control behavior, and to not act out.

I can completely empathize because I sometimes my feelings are overwhelming too, but I  can't reason with her.  It doesn't work.

Do you have any ideas? What can I do to help the rage spiral.  I hate that is such a struggle for her.

I keep forgetting this....

I used to be good at updating when anything happened... maybe not everyday but weekly.... and well- I forgot.

The kids are great. They are always great. Well-- ok not always, but a lot of the time they are great.

Princess is growing up--- and this is not ok. She was my baby- the little preemie who brought me back down.

Stinky is actually starting to smell now that he is 10.

Peas? is Peas. Enough said.  Seriously though- I worry about her. A lot. I see so much of me in her- that I want to grab her and say "its alright.  Even if things don't go the way you want--- it is alright they'll turn out in the end.

Pixie is in school full time and she is smarter than I care to admit. She figures things out so quickly watching her brain work is amazing.

LittleDude is not so little anymore.  Totally potty trained-- day and night *I swear he has only had 2 overnight accidents- no, don't know how that happened either...it just did.

I'm here. Learning. Trying.. and not always succeeding.

Feelings are hard for me, I feel so disconnected from them- at least my feelings--- other people? I feel their feelings deeply.

Pixie's Birthday

Meg turned 6 the other day.

I celebrated it with her in the same hospital she came into the world in--- but for different reasons, I had a kidney infection.

My silly kidney did not stop us from having a party though, we had pizza, cake, and ice cream to mark the beginning of Pixie's 6th year.

I can't believe that she is 6.  Meg is joyful, impish, compassionate, welcoming, loving, goofy, smart, silly, and an amazing kid.  I am so thankful to be her mom and to have the privilege of watching her grow.

And she sure has grown!!! From a little 3 lb baby to a big girl now.....

relaxing in the NICU

Meghan just born

Home at last

6 years old-- at the same hospital she arrived in. 

Meghan loves her chickens, she cares for them and checks on them all the time.  She can calm them down and they let her pet them.  She loves her friends and enjoys playing with them and giving them things. She is clever figuring things out are a specialties.  I can't wait to see how grows up. 

Henry's egg hunt

So we have chickens.  We have had them since March but they have been laying eggs only since July.

Henry's favorite activity is to harass the chickens and find the eggs.  He is always so proud of himself when he goes and collects the eggs from the hens.  The hens (or the ladies, as they are referred to commonly) are very patient with their three year old jailer.

He will go and pick them up despite them being nearly his size- and put them where he wants them.
Henry helps feed them, clean up after them, give them water and generally take care of them- which is a lot for a boy who does not yet use the potty consistently.

Recently, we moved the chickens to our home and subsequently had to build them an area- which Henry was very helpful with.

However- before the coop was completed tragedy struck in the form of White Fang-- the very prey driven husky found her way outside and killed a chicken-- Laverne a lovely chicken who was my personal favorite.

This was a huge trauma.  The kids all took it horribly.  And insisted on a memorial for Laverne complete with a graveside prayer.

But they have moved on- and are very happy to be caring for the chickens.

SCOTUS made a good call

I am an LGBTQ ally.  If you know me you know this.  I am thrilled that gay and lesbian people are now being afforded the right to marry.

It is saddening to see that so many people are less than happy about this decision and using their faith as the reasoning for their opinion.

The area in which I live is heavily Christian- and that is great. No problem.  But what I have an issue with is Christians expecting everyone else to abide by their version of morality-- because the bible said so.

My faith religious belief does not impact my support for gay marriage at all-- as my faith is mine no one else's.  And even if my faith dictated that gay an lesbian people should not be allowed to marry based on the bible it still does not impact the secular rights that need to be afforded to all people.

This is one of the greatest things about America-- we have a separation of church and state. Church beliefs do not get to impact state laws. Not everyone has the same faith or beliefs even if they have the same holy book- and as we cannot email G-d and ask for clarification the best thing we can do is to offer love and acceptance.  I firmly believe that love will be more acceptable to G-d than condemnation and judgement.

Just because the bible says that we must "keep holy the sabbath" we do not have laws that force people to go to church (or other house of worship)

Some people cite that G-d calls homosexuality an abomination--- well there are a bunch of things that are said to be an abomination to G-d.

Proverbs 12:22 "lying lips are an abomination to the Lord, But those who deal faithfully are His delight" where is the outcry against dishonesty (have we seen what happens in politics?)

Proverbs 6:5 "Everyone who is proud of heart is an abomination to the LORD, Assuredly he will not be unpunished"

I can keep listing these quotes--- (thanks Mom and Dad for religious education-- see I did pay attention)

If so many things are an abomination to G-d why are we so obsessed with this one?  Why is this one the lightening rod?  Why are we so convinced that we need prevent other people from entering a loving committed marriage and enjoying the legal benefits that come because of it?

If people are/were making a push to force a church or house of faith to wed a gay couple then I would support the church-- as a private house of faith they have the right to stick to whatever they believe- without government interference.

It does go both ways though-- if the government cannot force a church to marry a gay couple then a religion cannot force a government not to marry a gay couple.

Separation of church and state is a fantastic thing.  The ruling has literally NO impact on anyone who is not LGBTQ and does not want to get married.

In a follow up post I will address how the SCOTUS ruling is not violating states rights.

StripCraft and Booty Work

A while ago I was fortunate enough to take a workshop with the incomparable Lux ATL one of the most amazing women I have ever had the privilege to meet.

I love pole.  It is my sanctuary, it functions as a work-out, social time, therapy, and so much more for me.  However, I am not much of a dancer, I struggle with flow.  I struggle with confidence, I struggle...

This workshop was heaven.  It was home.

First: Lux is crazy smart.  Which is so cool-- but not unusual in the pole world- the number of women who are unbelievably smart is staggering. What makes Lux unique is that she is so approachable she accepts and values her students as women where ever we are.  She also speaks her mind- this is hard. As a women if you speak your mind too loudly you're a bitch or worse... Lux embraces this and encourages women to embrace this.. I have an awesome shirt from her that reads "pro bitch"

When I dance I get self conscious and convince myself that everyone is so much better than I am- so much sexier-- essentially just that I stink.

Which leads me to....

Second:  It was like she was talking to me when she was laying out the class. Which leads me to believe my fears and anxieties are not unusual.

The first tenet of her class is:

Only you possess what only you possess

Simple, huh? Well yes, this makes sense, but how do I know what I possess that only I possess?  That is the journey.  That we all have to learn and to learn it we have to play with a lot of things and inevitably make mistakes.  As we are learning and on our jouney, remember that everyone else is on their own journey and we may all be making mistakes as we learn and grow.

The second is: 

Be vulnerable. Be willing to act weird in public

I certainly and self conscious and am afraid to act silly in public for fear of "what will people think?"
By staying in my comfort zone I am limiting myself and not growing.  Growth happens outside an individual's comfort zone. Make an impression. Be weird. Have fun. Embrace it. 

The third and final tenet is:

No shame. No fear. No apologies. Just Love. 

This one have a hard time with. I struggle with shame. I struggle with being fearful. I apologize way too much. I can extent love and acceptance to everyone but myself.  Recently, Amy Schumer did a skit on women and apologizing and how we as women apologize for everything.  

So I am working on it. 

I also plan on taking her classes again to really have the chance to better absorb her wisdom and learn from her incredible booty isolation ways.


Day to day- I am carrying her lessons with me, and not just practicing booty isolations in traffic- but embracing myself for who I am and loving it. All of it.

Horrible Nightmare

Last week I had to go to the doctor for my hip.  While I was there, something horrific happened.

B was badly injured training at a live fire drill.

One minute we were texting each other about my hip, he said that he had to go drill, next thing I know my phone was going crazy as he had fallen trying to force open door as part of their training. When he fell he broke his leg.

Seeing the text that he was hurt but not knowing what was happening was terrifying. Not being able to help was frustrating.

As a mother, my job is to fix things. Make things better.  There is nothing that I can do to help him. Nothing I can do to make it better.  All I could do was go there and be there.

The break was bad enough and in a place that required surgery, I have had a lot of surgery, but waiting for someone to have surgery is something I have less experience with.  Sitting there, watching the screen with his case--- waiting for screen to advance to "surgery complete".

B's job has always scared me- I love and respect what he does, but it scares me.  Because he could so quickly be injured. Nothing is a guarantee.  Every time we talk we end it with "I love you, be safe".  I will not let him off the phone until he replies "I always am".

It has been hard for the kids- he is like superman.  He comes and fixes things and saves the day. His job is actually to save people.  He is not here a lot but when he is he is fantastic with them.  No one gets a better welcome than when daddy gets here.

Truth be told, I am a little jealous about how the kids are so interested in helping him. When I get hurt or have surgery nothing changes, the requests keep coming: "mama what's for dinner??" "where is my shirt?" B gets hurt--- totally different story- they are all over him helping.  Which, honestly is good.  He is dad- and a pretty darn awesome one.

Seeing the message that B was hurt was the most horrifying thing. My stomach dropped a million miles, I started sweating, I was sick to my stomach.  He annoys the crap out of me and irritates me beyond belief, but I love him.

When the doctor told me that he did need surgery, I got light headed--- and its not my leg! A doctor can tell me I need surgery and that is fine, I can deal, but not someone I care about, that makes it scary!

I do have new respect for what B had to endure in the waiting room for me- my surgeries were much longer and I have no idea how he managed.  Being the one unconscious is much much easier.

When he is better, I will have to find something new to say other than "I love you, be safe" because much like the kids-- he clearly doesn't listen.

I am thankful that he will heal.  I am thankful for my sister who saved the day. I am thankful.

Buyer Beware of GE Appliances and Home Depot

I have a houseful! Pets and kids create laundry- it is fact of life-as dependable as death and taxes.  As such I do a lot of laundry- somewhere in the neighborhood of 30 loads a week.

In January 2013 we purchased a new GE Adora washer- of course we purchased the extended warranty, that one is a gimme. It was great...at first.

Now that we have had it for nearly 2 years it has been broken 4 times... not just little things... but the drum, the motor (2x), the belt, the control panel.

Getting it fixed has always been a hassle.  Navigating through the automated phone thing at Home Depot is one mess- usually taking at least 10 minutes to reach a person- who is apathetic.

This particular repair takes the cake in terms of awfulness.

On December 12, 2014 I called to schedule a repair as the washer was not working. The scheduled me for a few days later. No problem.

When the day for the repair came- the tech did not come during the allotted window.  I called the company and they said they had cancelled the appointment as we were out of the service area (Note: there was no contact to say it was being cancelled).

After calling Home Depot again, and routing through their automated service again, I got rescheduled for another day.

Approximately 30 minutes before the tech was going to arrive I received a call saying they were on the way, and to please make sure any dogs were out of the way.  As requested, I put our dogs outside and came back in.  Looking out the window I saw the truck pulling out of our drive and driving away.  I ran outside to try and flag him down, either the tech did not care or did not notice me.  I did find a tag on the door, not filled out saying "Sorry we missed you".  My 5 year old said that no one rang the doorbell. (WTF?!) Note: I was outside a total of 2 minutes or less.

I called the 800 number on the tag- it took a good 5 minutes to reach a human- the person who answered was going to call dispatch and transfer me- after 10 minutes on hold the call was dropped. Immediately, I called back. After getting through to a person, the person essentially told me "Suck it up buttercup".

We were again rescheduled for the following day  (12/19/2014)- with a window between 3 and 4 pm when they would not come, because I had to pick up children.  Guess what time the tech showed up? 3:02. I was here and the tech diagnosed the problem as basically everything. He would need to order parts and we were scheduled for the repair to be completed on 12/30/2014.

On 12/29/2014 we received a call again pushing the repair date back until 1/5/2015. The parts had not been delivered yet and they needed two technicians for the repair.  Calling again to try and straighten this out because we were now looking at nearly a month with no washer we were again met with stark helpfulness and apathetic customer service-- the message was "too bad so sad".

We have continued to try and work with the GE Response team, and they have been terribly unhelpful.

Meanwhile- I received a notice from a collection agency regarding the repair from October- it was supposed to be covered by the warranty, so now I have to jump through hoops to try and figure that out.

They make errors and the onus is on me to fix it. I already have 5 children, I don't need to babysit a company as well.

I am completely appalled by the quality of the machine and the quality of the service.

Dealing with a month of laundry with 5 kids and no washer is both expensive, time consuming, and awful.  I have spent over $100 on laundry in the nearly month without a washer.

I am at a loss as to how to proceed, how to get someone to care, how to get someone to make it right!

So far I will be filing a complaint with the better business bureau but beyond that I don't know what to do. Of course, I will never buy a GE appliance again.  Nor will I be using Home Depot.
 

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven

Last week was a really sad week.

A teacher at Pixie's pre-school died suddenly, which is devastating for little ones.

We also lost a dear family member- Scotty- a super sweet horse who was loved by all who knew him.

Scotty was not our horse- but we loved him like he was. When ever we would visit the barn his head would pop over the stall and he would great everyone with a kind nicker.  He was very sick, but he was always a little carrot hog.  The Wednesday before he died we were in the arena and he followed me around insisting on carrots.

Scotty was especially loved by LittleDude. Since Scotty was sick- he couldn't be ridden, LittleDude was light enough that he could sit on Scotty's back.  He would lean over and pat Scotty saying, "My Scotty."  The horse had more people who loved him than a lot of people. He was always kind and always gentle- he let the little ones lead him and he was patient when they brushed him.

His mom and owner sure had a special boy and watching them interact was a gift.  It was clear their bond was deep.  He  would have followed her to the ends of the Earth and she would have given him the moon.

When it was clear that there was nothing that could be done to 'fix' him- she dedicated herself to giving him the best life she could-- and that horse had it good!

Last week, when he was in too much pain, his time had come- and she gave him the last thing she could: and end to pain.  As we waited in the stall for the vet- we covered Scotty with blankets- so he would be warm, and while we sat with him- he smelled the carrots in my pocket and insisted on having them. His last hour was spent surrounded by his family, warm, safe, loved and snacking on his favorite treats.

The barn seemed empty after that.  I miss his gentle eyes and welcoming nicker.  Jessie, his wife- took it well.  Animals are smarter than we give them credit for.

Death with dignity

There is a video has gone viral in which a woman has relocated to Oregon to avail herself of the Death With Dignity statute on the books in that state.

This is a pretty hot button topic.  Should an individual who is terminally ill have the right for request a doctor to request a prescription for a medication that will end their life?

I support this right.  I have not been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I have watched people I love suffer horribly, and yes, I have prayed for their suffering to end.

No one deserves to suffer and spend their last time in pain or dealing with unbelievable anxiety. Illnesses like this can rob a person of everything.  In the small amount of experience I have had dealing health issues- the lack of control is paralyzing. Giving  a little control of their destiny is just and compassionate.  Individuals can choose when they die, surrounded by people who love them. Not alone, in fear, in the hospital.

Life is precious and sacred.  Prolonging life by prolonging suffering is not respecting life it is not protecting the value in a person.

"First do no harm" is a crucial doctrine of medicine.  Is it harmful to make a person suffer? Is alleviating that suffering more important?  The Oregon law does not permit a doctor to administer the drugs to the individual.  They must ingest them themselves. This protects doctors from violating their oath.  Doctors are also not required to write these prescriptions.

There are safe guards to help ensure that people are not coerced, that individuals are competent, that individuals understand what they are doing. It doesn't make it perfect, but it helps.

There was a case of a person who wanted to to continue his fight and pursue more treatment, but his insurance declined to pay for it and instead offered only palliative/hospice care up to and including death with dignity.  This is horrible.  This is a decision that an individual needs to make on there own, not because of an insurance companies assessment of value.  This is one of my primary concerns with this law. No one but the individual affected should have a say in when enough is enough.  Different people will have different lines in the sand as where that is.

In a perfect world cancer wouldn't happen or be able to be cured with relative ease.  As that is not the case a person needs to have the right to protect their dignity.

I am not in this situation, but people who are need to have this choice. It is not the right choice for everyone and that is fine. We are all individuals and one size does not fit all.

There are lot of people who say this is against their beliefs and that is okay, one persons beliefs should not dictate another's rights.

Many more prescriptions have been written under the Death With Dignity law than have been used.  Suggesting, that having that piece of mind and sense of control is extremely important as well.

Bleeding Heart Liberals

We live in a very conservative Christian town.  Ostensibly this would mean that there is a huge charity focus, residents would be non-judgmental, kind, and accepting.

And I was called a bleeding heart liberal- because of my political leanings.

I prefer compassionate.

I do not like seeing people have to choose between medical care and food- I strongly oppose that.

The environment needs to be protected- we only have one planet- we need to treasure it and care for it.

I do not like seeing oppressed people further oppressed. I will stand with anyone who tries to stop it.

I do not like seeing people victimized.  I will stand with any one to try and stop it.

My beliefs and morals are mine... and they guide my behavior and choices- but I may not impose them on anyone else. Our government was founded on the principle of religious freedom (freedom of religion and from religion).

Maybe I am a bleeding heart liberal.  I hope I can raise my kids to be compassionate bleeding heart liberals too.

Feed the birds (ducks- in this case)

Today we had a lot of fun-- and spent a whole $1.31.

We fed the ducks.

It was awesome. Every once in a while I bring the kids to a local park to feed the birds and ducks.  Last time we did it,  LittleDude was terrified of the geese and ducks- they were giants to him.

This time he loved it he laughed and squealed- and he wasn't the only one! We all did! Even a woman walking in the park stopped to video tape the fun.

We got out of the car waled towards the pond as we did, the ducks figured out what was happened and came over.  Even a mama duck brought her babies to see us.  The kids gleefully threw food to them and laughed and giggled at their antics. 

Soon the geese figured out what was happening- and came over to have a snack.  The geese were not nice to the ducks and the kids defended the ducks!

Here are Pixie, Peas, and LittleDude feeding the ducks- the mama duck was right there with her babies. 

Now LittleDude quacks like a duck in addition to his other animal sounds. 

So much fun! I am so thankful to spend this time with them.

Animal Love

I love animals  Always have. Now my kids are learning to love and care for them as well.

One of the best things about being a mom is teaching my kids how to love and care for them.

LittleDude runs up to our dogs and kisses them pets them and just is super adorable.  He loves helping to feeding them, and walk them.  The other kids are the same- they help to care for the animals in our family.

Pixie loves the black kitty, "Misty", but she Pixie never calls her Misty. Its always "black kitty".  She will sit and pet her and cuddle her.  Misty actually loves it.

Princess really enjoys helping take care of Jessie- the horse. She loves to take care of her, groom her, and ride her.

Stinky is always willing to help wherever asked.  Which is great. I am so thrilled to have such a willing helper.

Peas is also amazing.  She loves to help clean up.  The other day she cleaned up the entire back yard- with two large dogs that is a lot of.... um... stuff.

They are so compassionate to the animals needs, I am continuously astounded.  It goes both ways though- if the kids are under the weather or sad/scared/otherwise upset the animals are quick to comfort them.  

Everyone in our family is loved- humans and animals. 

A time to be sad--- and happy.

It was the end of year picnic for Pixie's preschool. It is also the last year this particular preschool will be open.

This preschool is heavenly.  It is a caring environment, the children were the focus, their blossoming into caring compassionate people with a love of investigation and learning.  The children were not forced or coerced into learning they were inspired to- by exploring.  Their hearts and souls were treasured.

This is the place were I met treasured friends who got me through some truly amazing people who I am honored to call my friends.  They have prayed for me, cared for me, and just been amazing.

The school had been open for more than 40 years serving many generations of children in the area with the same child centered loving environment- and this year they closed their doors.

At the end of year the picnic is a great time to say goodbye to friends and look forward to the next year.  There is no next year.  This is the last time my kids will run in the field.  Play on the climber. Go into the school.  Hug their teacher.

There will be no more children nurtured by the loving teachers. For a while it was just as fun as any end of year picnic, until it dawned on me.... this is it.  Its over.

I cried- took lots of photos. I will miss this place so very much.  It is irreplaceable.

Don't tell me to calm down

I have anxiety.  At times it can feel crippling.  Having someone tell me to calm down is like pouring gasoline on a fire: it does no good- and actually makes it worse. If  'calming down' was that easy don't you think I'd do it?? Would you tell someone having a heart attack to just stop? No?  (I certainly hope not, at least.) Then don't tell me to calm down.

Its insulting to be told that- as if I had some choice in the matter.  Anxiety is not something that I can schedule.  It just is.

Another thing not to do-- for the love of all that is holy- do not try and surprise or scar me.  I may surprise you by hitting you.