She has a temper on her!

This could have been written about me as a child- but I am writing about my Peas, and I need help.

Peas has really big intense feelings, no matter what they are they are intense. Happy is euphoric, sad is the depths of despair.

This is all well and good until we get to anger and frustration- when it manifests as rage.

The angry takes over and she gets stuck in a rage circle. It spirals and spirals out of control with no way to slow down the inertia or change the direction.  It just has to burn itself out. Which can take a long time (like over an hour long time).

While the tantrums are frustrating and hard to deal with the bigger issue is when she lashes out at her siblings or me.  She throws things, breaks things, hits siblings and me.  This does not happen anywhere but at home, anywhere else I hear what an angel she is; and really she can be, most of the time she is.

Peas is getting bigger and is now big enough to do some actual damage to things or people, so it is imperative we find a solution.

One issue specifically that we struggle with is leaving for school.  If she can't find her shoes (there is a black hole of shoes in our house, I swear- its the only way we could lose so many shoes.) or the particular shoes that she wants to wear, It becomes a Chernobyl level meltdown. There can be kicking, hitting, biting, throwing, any number of things, and talking to her just makes it worse.  It just has to burn itself out.

To protect the other kids, and herself, we put her in her room. If I am sick or recovering from a surgery, I cannot fight with her to get her into her room, because she strong.  And I am at a loss.

Once she has calmed down she feels horrible and is so sorry, embarrassed, and totally apologetic.
I just don't know how to get her to the calm stage faster, with less out of control behavior, and to not act out.

I can completely empathize because I sometimes my feelings are overwhelming too, but I  can't reason with her.  It doesn't work.

Do you have any ideas? What can I do to help the rage spiral.  I hate that is such a struggle for her.

She really is just a kid

The kids have had to learn a lot of hard lessons about life since I was sick.

They have had to learn that sometimes even mothers get sick.  That sometimes as much as we want them too things just don't go as planned.   This summer has been great as I have not been sick much at all and have had lots of time to spend playing with kids and enjoying the summer.

A lot of times they are incredibly mature.  They are compassionate and empathetic to everyone.  Which, sometimes leads me to forget that they really are just little kids.

Then they do something that just reminds me that they really are just kids.  Most recently, this was the ice cream truck.

All of their maturity in the world goes right out the window the second they hear the ice cream truck.

The fun of childhood is pretty great.

A time to be sad--- and happy.

It was the end of year picnic for Pixie's preschool. It is also the last year this particular preschool will be open.

This preschool is heavenly.  It is a caring environment, the children were the focus, their blossoming into caring compassionate people with a love of investigation and learning.  The children were not forced or coerced into learning they were inspired to- by exploring.  Their hearts and souls were treasured.

This is the place were I met treasured friends who got me through some truly amazing people who I am honored to call my friends.  They have prayed for me, cared for me, and just been amazing.

The school had been open for more than 40 years serving many generations of children in the area with the same child centered loving environment- and this year they closed their doors.

At the end of year the picnic is a great time to say goodbye to friends and look forward to the next year.  There is no next year.  This is the last time my kids will run in the field.  Play on the climber. Go into the school.  Hug their teacher.

There will be no more children nurtured by the loving teachers. For a while it was just as fun as any end of year picnic, until it dawned on me.... this is it.  Its over.

I cried- took lots of photos. I will miss this place so very much.  It is irreplaceable.

Kidney update

It came to a nephrectomy.  A radical step. Even the procedure name has 'radical' in it- Radical Nephrectomy.

It was not a decision that I made easily.  It took 4 years an a lot of attempts to fix it to get here, and now it is done.

I was left with 2 options: an ileal ureter and nephrectomy. The ileal ureter had the potential to save my kidney but was not a guarantee. The nephrectomy would cost me a kidney but would be the end of that kidney's drama.

The ileal ureter is a really involved operation and I was not a candidate for laparoscopy meaning a long incision lots of pain and a long recovery. With my clotting disorder- this would be really risky.  A nephrectomy being much a much simpler procedure and much less pain and time on recovery.

The surgery was a week ago tomorrow- and there is significant pain- but I feel better than I did before.  I don't feel sick.  I already feel better now than I did for the past few months before surgery.  

Losing my kidney has not negatively impacted my total renal function at this point, and after getting in there, my doctor completely agreed that the kidney had to go. 

So now to recover and make up for lost time... what am I going to do with all the time NOT spent in doctors offices? 

Family can come from the heart

I have a great family.

One of the biggest lessons that I have learned in the past 4 years is that family rarely is limited to genetics.

Family means people who love and support each other- that can mean watching kids, helping around the house, laughing, hand holding whatever.

My family (biological and not) is amazing.  They have carried me, watched my kids, made dinner, cleaned my house, cheered me up, urged me on, and kept me going for the last 4 years I can never repay them.

The thing is I don't have to repay them.  I will be there for them when the need it and I will teach my kids that it is a privilege to be in a position to help someone else.  It is an honor and a privilege to help someone when they need it.  Our job is to serve and help others.

My family includes friends, neighbors, biological family, and even pets (really animals are some of the best therapists in the world)- the more the merrier.

I am truly thankful for each of them being in my life.

Henry Is 2

Henry just turned 2. 

He is my little man.  He still breastfeeds and sleeps in bed with me. 

I can't put into words his personality. He is unique and hysterical.  He has a great sense of humor and is caring and loving.

If I was thinking this afternoon I would have gotten a video of him singing "Let it Go" from Frozen.  He can't pronounce all the words but he has the melody and it is so cute- not that I am biased or anything.

He loves to build with blocks and legos and gets really upset if he feels left out in any way and has a sense of justice and fairness.

SUPER HENRY!

I hope we can plan a great party to celebrate how awesome he is.  Our family would not have been complete without him.

Did you tell my 18 month old baby to shut up?

Sitting in the car for several hours is not on the top 10 list of fun activities for a lot of kids. Sometimes it is just a necessity.

We were driving home and stopped at a Culver's in an attempt to delay a mutiny.

Little Dude was tired. His routine was messed up. He was out of sorts. He is 18 months old.

He threw a tantrum.  LittleDude (or Scooter) is pretty skilled at tantrums.  He has learned from the best.

I tried to calm him down while B got food. I sang, I danced, I jumped, I tried a game on the phone, I tried nursing, I tried a big boy chair, I tried sitting on my lap, a high chair, and the other kids tried peek a boo etc., and I had NO SUCCESS. He cried. He wailed.

There were three people sitting at a table near us and they were not thrilled with the tantrum (neither was I- thus trying to comfort him)

The lady told my 18 month old baby to shut up.  Not to be quiet. Not to calm down. But to shut up.  I picked my jaw up off of the floor and tried to calm down. If I said something to her--- I would have ended up in jail.

So I told B what had happened and he looked at me aghast.  "Are you serious??" he asked.  Yes, I said. He walked around the corner and got ready to approach her- again making sure he heard me correctly..."Really??" Yes really.

He confronted her,  her rudeness knows no bounds: she was rude to Brian too.  Thankfully, B is a lot more level headed than I am. He was stunned.  I thought about how I could be the most offensive possible to her--- whipping out superboob and convincing Pixie to have an amuse bouche with LittleDude? Tell all of  the kids to lose it and tantrum? I decided to take the high road.

She did tell B that she was a teacher and she did not want to have to listen to crying children when she was not at work. OMG- then don't go to a restaurant that caters to families at 5:30 pm.  If we had our kids at a nice restaurant and there was a behavior issue that's another thing.  If I was not at least attempting to comfort him- again that is another situation.  I feel really badly for kids she teaches. 

The tantrum wasn't even that long. Maybe 10 minutes at most.  The big kids were being very polite and sitting nicely.

While we were eating (the tantrum had ended) they got up and moved to a different section; leaving a huge mess in their wake- really it was disgusting.

We finished eating and cleaned up after ourselves- like normal people- and left.

What do you do when someone says something out of line? Was she out of line? Was I out of line? Was B out of line?

Besides even when having a tantrum LittleDude  (or Scooter) is really cute.

A day with out antianxiety meds

When I was a teenager there was clearly something wrong with me.  I would get furious, not angry- furious- for no good reason.  I couldn't sleep well.  My thoughts were racing. I had an eating disorder. In short I was nuts.

My parents tried to get me help, and like any teen I fought them tooth and nail.  The doctors tried to tell my parents that I was bipolar. I am not.  I don't lay around in bed unable to move-- just the opposite. My head and thoughts move so fast I can't move.  It is like being pulled in a thousand and three directions at the same time and you can't even begin to figure out what your thinking because your brain has already moved on to 10 new things.

While your at it totally innocuous thoughts become worst case scenarios in seconds. If I were a super hero I would be Worst Case Scenario Girl: able to jump from nothing to catastrophe in seconds.

Finally, as an adult- I found a doctor and explained my thought process. He looked at me and said I had severe anxiety.  He prescribed meds for that.  The first time I took them, I was wary, but then they too effect and it was amazing.  I wondered, "is this how normal people feel all the time?" My brain and thoughts stopped racing.  I stopped having to work my self up to being able to handle the stress of grocery shopping.  Picking a brand of OJ was no longer a 10 minute debate.  I didn't snap at my husband.  I didn't get so frustrated with everything.  Life was so much more enjoyable.

The day before yesterday, I ran out of meds.  I was only out for a day.  But in that day- my behavior change was obvious.  It was not good.  Thankfully, I got my meds right away and by the next day I had managed to regulate a bit more. 

I am not ashamed of my anxiety and panic disorder.  I am not ashamed of my asthma or kidney issues or my blood issue. They are medical issues that can be treated and when treated I am fine.

This being mental health awareness week I feel the need to speak about how anxiety does not always look like a panic attack.. it can... but it can look a lot of other ways to.

I am not reliant exclusively on meds either.  I exercise a lot- but for times like this, when I need to rest and recover- they are a freaking gift from science (and G-d)

I think I figured it out....

The entire DCFS thing really has thrown me off balance as a mom and person.  I am angry.  Betrayed. Sad.

My sister and my friends were offended and offended for me. I found this comforting.  Like I wasn't nuts for feeling so upset. It was validating.  Typically, I have a really hard time judging my reactions to make sure they are appropriate, if I am more hurt than is reasonable etc.  This validation was very useful to me.

I had to figure out why I am still upset over this- why I still have to resist the urge to yell at my neighbor and question what on earth she was thinking, how could she even think that of me and my family.  I am not perfect. I am a flawed person and flawed mother.  I am human.  But, I think I am a good mother.  I love my children more than I can explain.  I am proud of the way I have chosen to parent them.  I am proud of the way they are growing. I am proud of us. The DCFS thing was cutting because it was essentially saying I am not a good parent.  It has not been easy for us for the past few years.  I have had health struggles, we have a lot of kids.  But I'll be damned if my children are not at the forefront of my mind with every choice I make. 

Hi, there, excuse me--- did you call DCFS on us? and other conversation starters

It has been well documented that my kidney and I do not get on well- like at all. 

This past weekend I was back in the hospital because it was blocked up and infected.  Husband was of course working, where else would he be? (Seriously it seems like every time I have a crisis he is at work and just can't get away--- of course it doesn't help that he works an average of 100 hours a week)

I asked around and my sister was able to drive out from Chicago with her kids to watch mine- you know what would have happened if I couldn't find someone to watch them? I would have stayed home or brought them with me because leaving 5 kids home alone is a shitty idea.

When my sister and her kids got here- I had made dinner and written out some basics for her to deal with the kids.

The next day when husband got home she left.  Brian was at home with the kids doing support calls (working) in the basement. He had told the kids that they may not go out and play and they could not open the door etc because he was working.

A neighbor kid came over and talked to one of my kids through the window- my child said they could open the door or answer go out because mommy was in the hospital and daddy was working. 

Shortly after this a police officer showed up at the door and asked to see my husband- who was working downstairs.  He came up and said that they had received a call from DCFS reporting a tip that our children were home alone (WTF)!!! My husband called me fuming.

When I was discharged from the hospital I received a call on my cell from a DCFS case worker to arrange a visit.

The DCFS lady came the next day and talked with my kids and cleared everything up.  I am so unbelievably mad.  I know who did this.  But I am struggling on confronting her- how do I start that conversation?

I understand why she was concerned but to not to verify what actually happened or was happening?? That is a shitty thing to do. 

The entire thing makes me so terribly mad. My kids were horrified and scared- Peas cried nearly all night blaming herself. My anxiety went from bad to unbearable.

I have signed out of the hospital against medical advice to be home when we did not have a sitter, my husband had used ALL of his sick time to care for the kids when I was sick.

Instead of being kind and helpful she was mean and spiteful, if she was that concerned about the safety of the kids why did she not verify it? Why did she not offer to help? What she did helps no one, and makes things much more stressful.

Why do babies hate sleep

Why do babies hate sleep?

Seriously?  Why do they fight that crap so much-- who ever said sleep like a baby clearly never had one.

I take back every single time I fought sleep.  Rocking, walking, nursing, singing.

Please note I am not a believer in cry it out- but damn if someone told me to go to sleep I'd be all over that.  Instead- it is a hard won fight to bed with at least one child in bed at the start of the night and by the morning several more have joined which makes bed tetris with kids, pets, and parents.  The kids of course wake up thrilled and excited and full of energy- where as my husband and I stagger out of bed looking at the sun wondering how Earth it could be morning already- yet my kids are charged and ready to go.

So why do babies (and kids) abhor sleep? And What in the heck can you do about it?

I end up just waiting them out- knowing at some point their little eyes will flutter shut after they become heavy.

Princess would go to sleep she just would go to sleep no questions know fuss.  Stinky would sing to keep himself awake.  Peas. What to say about Peas..... she thought (and thinks) that sleep is the end of the world. We tell her to listen to her body when it is tired (etc) and she says she 'can't hear her body' oh well. Pixie just needs to stop moving for 30 seconds to fall asleep.  She moves and moves and moves.....but a few minutes of cuddles now she now goes to sleep. She used to need to nurse herself to sleep while sticking her her feet under my back.  LittleDude snuggles and nurses to sleep while he places with his hair.  Overnight he will scoot next too me to keep close.

But the question remains why the hatred of sleep? 

Pixie Gets Air

We love the outside in our house, summer, winter, fall, or spring- someone is outside.

Peas and I were cleaning and we looked out the window, it was snowing such big flakes it was as if snowballs were falling from the sky.  Peas said we HAD to go out and play.  So we did.  LittleDude thankfully is quite the trooper and fits in well with our love of the outdoors.

I had a doctors appointment in the city so after driving downtown and back for that, we ate dinner and then went sledding. 

Some kids had built a snow 'jump' on the hill-- basically a pile of snow to sled up and fly off of.  Princess and Stinky of course did it and loved it.  Peas preferred to go down the hill super fast- spinning.  Pixie decided she want to try the jump.

Pixie is no shrinking violet, but I did not think she would like it, it looked very jarring- but what the heck.  She did it, and she loved it.  She got quite a bit of air.  I was really surprised!

Somehow she managed to hold on to the sled and go down the rest of the hill- something that took the big kids a few tries to do.  When she slid to a stop she popped off the sled jumped up and down and screamed so everyone could hear her- she did it herself- then jumped some more and ran in a circle and up the hill to do it again.  and again. and again.  When we needed to go home she said no and ran the other way.  It really is quite a pity she has no fun (sarcasm).

pinata malfunction

Pinatas have been around for a while... we'll say what 500 years?? (yes I Googled it).

Despite this LONG history- they do not seem to work right- ever.

I, in a rare moment of forethought, decided to get the kind of pinata that the kids pull strings from the bottom and in theory- one of the strings releases the contents of the pinata all over the floor.

It did not seem like a good idea to have a bunch of kids swinging a stick in the house with a lot of people over.  It seemed to be inviting catastrophe.

Well- it didn't work.  One little girl decided that she would cut out the middle man and pull a handful of strings, she is all about efficiency. NOTHING happened.  We adults waited on baited breath for the final ribbons to be pulled, expecting at any moment a payload of treats to come crashing down.  We were disappointed- the last ribbon was pulled and nothing happened.

So I had to tear open the pinata and shake the contents on the crowd of children who, were not that much shorter than I am-- in fact one of them... a 12 year old is taller than am.

There are a couple of problems with the candy pouring into a heap of kids- somehow at least one child gets hurt by the candy falling on him or her-- and--- the smallest kid can sometimes stampeded by excited older kids. 

"oh my you've got your hands full!"

Any time I take my kids somewhere I get this.

"Wow.  Your hands are full!"  or
"Are they all yours?" or
"Do you know how this happens?" or
"Are you done yet?" or
"Are you crazy?"

Yes, my hands are full.  But so is my heart.  I have 5 kids.  5.  One whole handful.  One amazing group of kids. I am thankful for every.single.one of them.  Each of them is a blessing.

But you see-- my hands are full- but my heart is more full.  My kids are so loving and so joyful (most of the time- everyone has their days).  I cannot imagine life without all of them.  They are my heart.

Yes. They are all mine--well kind of.  And my husband's.  And our families (family not being limited to relatives- family meaning everyone who we love and who loves us-- which is A LOT more than blood relatives), they are also G-d's children. He for some reason- that I may never understand fully blessed me with these 5 great kids- He entrusted them to me- I don't know why- but He did.

Yes. I know how it happens. I was a Biological Sciences major in college-- got this one down.

Meh. If it happens it happens.  Truth be told- I was not expecting any of my kids.  They were all amazing surprises and great blessings.

Sure, I'm crazy.  We all are crazy in our own way.  Crazy keeps things interesting.