it has been a long time huh?

I used to write pretty regularly right?

And then I kind of disappeared? So what then heck?

A lot.

When B got hurt, and I had my hip surgery, I got kind of thrown. Then my kidney acted up and spend lots of time in the hospital and fell into a depression and anxiety that just couldn't lift.

Sure-- B didn't help one of the more cutting things that he said that still sticks with me was, "normal people aren't this sick" I needed to get it together- like this was my choice or my fault. It really hurt and was very cutting..  If I could get my body to cooperate I would in a heartbeat.

Then horrible news-- I carry the BRCA1 gene and hysterectomy. So more surgery.  More kidney.  More depression-- and so much went to hell.

I felt like I was holding my life together with string and a prayer.  I didn't even have pole to fall back on.

My blog has always been kind of open about my struggle with mental illness so I feel I should be frank about this too.  It was hard.  And  I made the biggest mistake than anyone could make. I went off my meds--- stupid I know.  So stupid.  I felt initially like maybe my brain could figure itself out and I wouldn't need meds to regulate my brain chemistry. I'd go off my anti-anxiety meds-- but I won't dare go off of blood thinners.... why do I give blood thinners so much more importance than my mental health? I am back on my meds.  Things are normalizing.

Depression and anxiety are beasts-- they just follow and sneak up when I am not expecting it.

In a nutshell that is where I have been.

Learning how to parent

I have the privilege of helping many friends and strangers learn "how to parent" except this is not accurate.  I don't teach them anything--I show them what they already know. Because we do know- even if we don't know we know.

Part of this includes the privilege of being with friends as they labor and birth their babies- I also have had the pleasure of helping new moms learn how to breastfeed (it may be natural but it isn't always easy!!)

And the other day someone asked me where I learned how to parent. Interesting question. Honestly? I am doing what feels right and hoping for the best.  As luck would have it there is a fairly large body of evidence that supports attachment parenting as an emotionally healthy parenting option.  But where did this come from?

My mom.

When I had my first I was 22 and so immature having a goldfish would have been too much responsibility.

My daughter was a preemie-- and my mom helped me gain the confidence to hold her, to change her, to feed her and to parent her.  I was terrified of breaking her- so when she came home from the NICU at a whooping 3 lbs- my mom came down to stay with me and helped me figure out what I was doing. She taught me how to bath her, and supported breastfeeding even though she never breastfeed me.  She found resources to help me.

The biggest thing she did was help me gain the confidence to parent Princess and trust myself to know what feels right.  We have instincts for a reason- fighting them is counter productive.

So now I get to share what she guided me to learn.  You can do it.  You are enough.  Your baby needs you.  

Long time no write

Quite often as I am going through the day, I think of things I want to write about and even go about composing a post in my head.... then something else happens.  It is an occupational hazard of having a big family.

Have you ever noticed the "Mama feeling"?

The other day Princess came downstairs and said her throat was sore- not terribly sore just a bit scratchy.  My mama radar started dinging.  Something was off. She wasn't running a temperature and she was not acutely ill- something just seemed off.  I swear I felt like Ms. Clavel from the Madeline books.

I already had appointments for 2 kids at our doctor for that afternoon (we see a family practice doctor so we all see the same person) so I called and added her on.

She had strep. I talked with B and he said that he thought she seemed fine and would have sent her on her way. There was nothing concrete that I could say: this is why I took her to the doctor.  Just a feeling.  Its not the first time its happened either.

Does anyone else have mama gut? Or just a feeling something isn't right?

Canon in D

I had all of my music on "shuffle" today; which if anyone listened to it they would think I have several personalities- everything from classical, to opera, to hip hop (and more- I think I have things from every genre on my ipod. 

Canon in D came on and I immediately got goosebumps.  I turned it up and let myself sit and go remember.  This was the song my sister walked down the aisle to be married with. 

I really did not want her to get married.  Change is not easy for me, and her getting married would be a huge change.  My sister is several years older than me, and while I never had a traditional sister relationship with her, I love her fiercely.  I felt somewhat safe with her, not like I had to play a mental chess game. I idolized her and saw how much my parents loved her and respected her and was (am) jealous. I could never be her.  I could never be as good at (insert something here) as she is. My father told me I would never hold a candle to her - maybe when I was 7 or 8... and I carried that around with me forever as a reminder that she would always outrank me. There was a photo of her with her violin and I slept with it because I wanted to be just like her. Desperately, I wanted to make my parents proud of me, like they were of her and I always fell short. Always.. As an adult that is hard, but as a child it was crushing.

So here getting married felt again like I wasn't good enough to have her as a sister- that she wanted to be with someone else, and I was so hurt.

On her wedding day she was beautiful.  She was radiant, glowing and so in love.. just what a bride should be. 

Its been over 20 years since then and she is still amazing.  I have not lost my sister- we have grown closer now that we have somethings in common. She has three great kids and is an inspiration to me as a mother and a wife-  more than a few times I have thought to myself "what would my sister do?" before saying something or doing something that would be rash. 

The song still makes me cry and gives me goosebumps though.

And she really was the most beautiful bride.

My unbroken heart

My right kidney is a pain. This is established. It has finally reached the point that it is safer to have it removed than to keep it.  Between infections, obstructions, pain it is better to get it out.

I went for my pre surgical clearance and my doctor did an EKG, I expected it to be fine; thought it was overkill and said that. 

It did not come back ok.  I had inverted T waves.  These have many different causes some really bad, some not so bad, and some benign entirely.  I was sent to a cardiologist and had a stress echo.  Again, expected this to show all was well. It didn't.  By this time I was terrified.

One of the things I have said many times, that if I had to have a an organ system with problems I am thankful that its my kidneys.  There are a lot of options for kidney issues- and if it progresses terribly, dialysis is an option (I am no where near that) but its nice to know it's there. Hearts are more scary. 

Of course having anxiety did not make this any easier. Panic was my constant companion.  Of course I went to the worst case scenario.. over and over.  I couldn't have a heart problem.  I am too healthy. Not possible. OMG, my kids, I was terrified of well, potentially dying. Obviously this was ridiculous, but it is how my brain works.

Tuesday I had a nuclear cardiac scan.  I was told if there was something wrong I would not be going home, but heading to the Cath Lab.  The doctors said it was more concerning because I have the clotting issues.

The doctor was very considerate, knowing that I was scared, was compassionate and read the test right away. There was no evidence of disease. I am fine. Cleared for surgery.  No cardiac issues.

My surgery was delayed, and I have to get a new date, and that is annoying.

Just Joy

Little Dude is an extremely happy boy (except of course when he is unhappy, the look out world).

Today I was just thinking about how genuinely joyful he is and how much I have learned from his contagious joy.

A few weeks ago we went to an indoor water park and I have never seen anyone so excited.  His whole body literally trembled with glee.  When I would get ready to put him down his little legs were already running.  When he smiles his whole body smiles.  Like pure happiness just exudes from him.  He claps, jumps, and squeals as happiness just cannot be contained in his body anymore.

Even everyday things he finds so much to be happy about, playing with his cars, building a tower and knocking it over.. nothing is to mundane.  Whenever music is on he is dancing.  He has quite a set of moves!  His imagination is limitless he puts on capes and flies around the house with lightening speed.  LittleDude does not really walk places.  He runs. And jumps.  If there is a puddle he must jump in it.  If there is a something that looks intriguing it must be explored. Balls are thrown, furniture (and everything climbed) the world is an adventure.  I wonder what goes through his head. 

LittleDude will grab my hand and pull me to something he wants to show me.  He will run and jump into my arms with total faith that I will catch him.  Then throw his body onto me in a hug that can melt anyone, squeezing with his arms around me.  These greetings do not happen after I have been away for days, hours, or even minutes.  It could be he was just happy to see me in the living room.
When I sit down on the floor he often runs and grabs a story and then backs into my lap (really the backing into my lap to sit is the most adorable thing ever) and we read. 

When he wants to breastfeed (yes, at nearly 2 years old he nurses), he'll grab my hand and lead me to our spot for some cuddles and milk.  He'll hug me and play with my hair, gazing into my eyes while we just can soak up the moment. Until he decides to be silly and playfully bite or pull my hair (all in good fun).

Outside is always fun.  When the big kids start suiting up to go play in the snow he follows suit.  He knows his snow pants and how to put them on, he waits patiently for his boots (which he finds and brings over), coat, and mittens.  But he puts his hat on himself.  That is one way he tells you he is ready to go outside: he goes to the door and puts on his hat.

LittleDude loves animals.  You may think with so many of them being so much larger than he is he may be scared, but he isn't he loves the dogs and gives them treats and pets.  They return his adoration.  The cats tolerate him. Going to see the horses is super fun.  He loves to brush them, give them treats, and ride.  The horses also are so gentle with  him  it is shocking. When they gently take a carrot from him and he squeals with excitement, often he is met with a nicker of affection.

At night he sleeps with me.  We go to bed and he snuggles in for some milky, and adjusts a bit to get comfortable.  Usually he'll end up half on top of my chest with his ear on my heart and his fingers in my hair. I can smell his unique scent and drink the time in.  I complain a lot about this sometimes, but truth of it is, I love the closeness with him.  I love watching him smile in his sleep, his eyes dance with dreams.  I love being there if he wakes up scared so I can comfort him. 

All of this joy and happiness have taught me to see the miracles in the small things.  Feel the joy in the smallest things.  Allowing myself to get super excited and not feel embarrassed about it.  To take more time to experience life instead of racing through it.

Mani Pedi time!

Princess and I do not get a lot of time one on one.  Well, I don't get a lot of time one on one with anyone.. except Scooter (aka little dude). So I make an effort to get out with them one on one.  Last night was Princess's turn.

We went to get our nails done- I got a pedicure, a no chip manicure, and a brow wax.  Princess had a manicure and a pedicure.  It is amazing what cleaned up eyebrows do for you.

Our time was really relaxing we had a chance to chat and just be together.  She picked cute colors for her nails and enjoyed getting pampered.  They ladies were kind and so patient with her, she got cute designs put on her nails. 

Typically, I get maybe 3 pedicures a year, and no manicures--they wear off to fast with my life, but after talking to a bunch of friends I decided to give the no chip one a go. It was a long process! But, I am happy with it.  With normal manicures, already, less than 24 hours after getting it, it is already falling apart- this one looks good.

My kidney was really painful during this but it was so very worth it.  I need to get a chance to hang out with my kids.  I am their mother but I am also their friend.  By spending one on one time with them, I can keep our relationship close and intact so they know they can come to me with anything.  I will not stand in judgement- I will support them.

We had a good time, and next week its Stinky's turn,  his choice: Chuck E Cheese.

Pole Dancing

Did you think I would stay away? NEVER.

My wrist still hurts a bit, and I have had to learn to not put too much stress on it, I also have had to adjust the tricks I can do to respect my wrists limitations- it is frustrating because I am used to being able to will my body to do what I want it to do.  I could always work hard enough and push hard enough I would be able to get my body, or brain, or whatever to bend to my will.

(me stubborn?? NEVER)

But now I have learned and am continuing to learn I need to respect my wrist's boundaries.  Its a process.  I have to regain my strength and flexibility.

I have gotten my Ayesha, pencil, brass monkey, pole sit back.  I and working on my cartwheel balance- I just need time to work on it- stopping when upside down is a challenge and supporting your body on your arms- away from your body.

Last night after a lot of practice I got my Dove back.  Next up- Superman fall.  

I have had a lot of questions about why I keep coming back-- or how.

Here's the thing.  Pole dancing is mine. My time. My thing. I love it.  I am proud of my body.  Even if I never lose another pound or always have some jiggle. My body is pretty amazing.  It has come through hell. Sickness. Injury. Childbirth. And yet. Is pretty great.  That feeling.  That feeling of accomplishment is why I come back.

Feeling connected to myself.  Feeling proud of myself.  Feeling happy. That is why I come back.
I would love to be able to share my absolute passion with other women.  This is one reason I am so proud to be an Ambassador for Tease. 

How to parent when dealing with pain

I don't know if you have missed me.  But I have missed writing.

Pain has been back in a big way.  My kidney has been causing me severe pain.

Last Thursday it was at its peak for me and I went to the ER.  I ended up having emergency surgery to relieve the pressure in my kidney.  A stent was put in and antibiotics started.  I hoped the antibiotics and the stent would set me right again.

It didn't work.  My pain level skyrocketed.  My normal routine of pain meds were not touching my pain, with all of the pain my kids were getting the really short end of the stick in a crabby tired mommy who had no energy for anything.  Things that I would normally laugh at sent me into a rage. It was unfair for them and depressing for me.

My stent was removed yesterday, as it had become occluded and prevented my kidney from draining.  But the pain continued, worsened even.  Enough pain that I again considered the ER- in the end I sat in a tub of hot water and practiced breathing techniques. 

This morning the pain is much better, not gone but good enough I felt like I could move without screaming.  We even went outside!

Which brings me to managing to parent when you are in serious pain.  It stinks but it is a fact of life for so many of us. 

Parenting is hard enough.  Adding pain or illness too it just ups the difficulty level by a factor of 100.
It is not all bad though.  Kids can learn that we need to work as a team, that empathy is important, and that parents make mistakes too.

I run out of patience so much faster when in pain.  I know I have said things I do not mean to my children when I hurt.  It doesn't take back what I said but I apologize to them- they at least can understand that I am admitting I was wrong and I am sorry I hurt their feelings.

Children can be very caring individuals.  They want to make their friends and family feel better.  My kids make up some wonderful songs to cheer me up and draw amazing pictures.  Let them be a part of helping you feel better- even if it is matching socks- it is one less thing for you to do.

Teamwork is an important life lesson to learn in general.  In our family we all work together.  If we are working against each other nothing would ever get done.  By working together and helping each other we can do more that we could imagine. 

Pixie gets stitches

In this episode of "What on Earth is going to go wrong next" Pixie gets stitches.

My kids are active players.  Pixie got a mini trampoline just so she can get her fill of bouncing in.  The child loves to bounce...and run..

Which is how this story begins.  Pixie was playing dress up with Peas.  They were being princesses-- warrior princesses to be exact and there was some kerfuffle involving a polar bear and a kite (I have no idea... they have great imaginations).  Pixie came tearing around the corner into the dining room and *thwack* right into the table.  Just above her right eye.  There was blood everywhere.

*crap*  I yelled for Husband- tried to detach LittleDude who was enjoying a milky delicious snack and went to put him down. Pretty quickly it was apparent that she would need to be sewn back together- dermabond would not cut it for this cut (see what I did there???).

OF course it was right when I needed to get the big kids.  Thank Heavens a neighbor could get them and keep them until we got back.

Peas new we were serious when we told her to get dressed right away so we could go to the doctor.

While we were driving I held pressure on Pixie's head and Peas prayed- if you have never heard a 4 year old's earnest prayers- you should they are the best.

Pixie was amazingly brave and wanted her big sister to hold her hand.  She did not fuss or cry at all when she was sewn up.

"oh my you've got your hands full!"

Any time I take my kids somewhere I get this.

"Wow.  Your hands are full!"  or
"Are they all yours?" or
"Do you know how this happens?" or
"Are you done yet?" or
"Are you crazy?"

Yes, my hands are full.  But so is my heart.  I have 5 kids.  5.  One whole handful.  One amazing group of kids. I am thankful for every.single.one of them.  Each of them is a blessing.

But you see-- my hands are full- but my heart is more full.  My kids are so loving and so joyful (most of the time- everyone has their days).  I cannot imagine life without all of them.  They are my heart.

Yes. They are all mine--well kind of.  And my husband's.  And our families (family not being limited to relatives- family meaning everyone who we love and who loves us-- which is A LOT more than blood relatives), they are also G-d's children. He for some reason- that I may never understand fully blessed me with these 5 great kids- He entrusted them to me- I don't know why- but He did.

Yes. I know how it happens. I was a Biological Sciences major in college-- got this one down.

Meh. If it happens it happens.  Truth be told- I was not expecting any of my kids.  They were all amazing surprises and great blessings.

Sure, I'm crazy.  We all are crazy in our own way.  Crazy keeps things interesting.

Holiday Pagents

I am not the only parent who is having a hard time this year with holiday programs.

Bearing in mind that until recently I did not cry.  Last night I was biting back tears and distracting myself as much as I could.  I did not want to be *that* mama.

I read the article I know What Six Looks Like and I get it.  Six is Stinky wearing his glasses slightly askew. Six is him being so excited about his glasses. Six is him wearing his mouse ears at his show singing "Mousey In The Snow".  Six is him crying over his sisters being annoying.  Six is him insisting on cuddles before bed.  Six is his sweet little lisp as he tells me he loves me.  Six is my heart walking around outside of me with a huge grin ready to be great the world.

I can't even imagine not having my Stinky laughing and being kind.

I have no idea how I got so lucky to have him as my son. 

Response to Mom Stays in the Picture

I'll admit- I am a camera dodger.  More often I am the picture taker.

There are very few pictures of me and there are a couple of reasons for this- most of which are a direct reflection of my own insecurities.


My appearance is a long standing issue.  I have never been happy with it.  My face is too fat, my arms too big, thighs, hips, blah blah...I am working on this and it has gotten better (I still dislike my exceedingly round head though)

I never feel right asking people to take pictures of my children/friends and I.  Like it is selfish or self important to ask someone to do that- why would anyone want a photo of me?

No one really offers to take pictures of the kids and I so there is that as well- and we have even fewer of us as a family.   This makes me sad.  There are not family pictures from holidays-- or even just a fun Saturday.  There are not photos of family traditions.

Growing up, pictures were kind of different, I mean- we had to use film! But other than that, we just didn't have family pictures taken.  I wish we had them.  My mom is beautiful.  I love showing her off.  Even as she ages she has this class and shine about her. I just love that.

Does anyone else feel really weird about asking others to take pictures-- or do people just offer and I am not 'picture material?'

 

The trouble with boobs

As much as guys love breasts, I have to say they are a big pain.

I almost cried when I started getting boobs.  I would have done anything to cut them right off.   As a teen with body issues and an eating disorder two lumps of fat stuck front and center on my body were certainly not welcome additions to my eating disorder party.

After getting pregnant my breasts grew to immense and disturbing proportions.

Being that I am short and have a smaller frame, large breasts make finding clothes hard.  Really hard.

It doesn't get any easier.  Now my boobs are giant and they are deflated like two bowling balls.  I am now wearing a 32 HH and the cup size is too small.  I mean really.  This should not be allowed.

The inadvertently knock things over and otherwise get in the way.  Big boobs are not fun.

Why I talk about it

Several years ago, I was chatting with an acquaintance who would become a friend and somehow depression, medication, anxiety came up. I unabashedly told her that I was on xyz medication. We all lived to tell the tale.

When I told my husband later her cautioned me not to tell anyone that I had anxiety issues or was taking something for it. Because people may think I am crazy (well-- I am crazy- but in a good way I like to think).

I questioned why the secrecy, it is just adding to the stigma. I wouldn't think twice about telling someone I take Advair for my asthma. I have an issue, I am taking care of it.

Granted, I do not volunteer all the dirty little secrets of my life or about some of my darker moments, but that is more because I don't know the words to use to describe them, and my memory of the time is fuzzy at best.

Women, mothers especially seem to have this "I need to have it all" or "I need to do it all" syndrome. We have the need to at least look like we can manage the kids, the house, a career, pets, and 10 other things while dressed in fashionable clothes and wearing subtle yet pretty make-up. It is like juggling wet cats on a beach ball. Something has got to give.

Because of our (my) desire to do everything we (I) often are hiding our feelings, sometimes even from ourselves(myself).

I talk about it so that other women can see that someone can be a functional person, even with issues, that taking medication does not brand you with a letter "M".

I talk about it so that my kids will know that it is okay to admit that you need help.

I talk about it so that maybe another mom will feel safe enough to get help and see that there is a life on the other side.

I talk about it so it is not some scary secret, that is terrifying until brought to light.

Self-Care is not selfish

(photo credit lulumon athleta)
Moms and women as a whole are typically very quick to jump to help others but not so fast to take time for themselves.

There is a prevailing belief that taking care of ones-self is selfish and not to be done.

Well that is a pile of crap. Especially when women then whine and complain about burnout. I get it though. This has been me, so so many times.

I have had to learn, painfully, and slowly, that self care is not selfish. Self care is necessary. If I do not take the time to care for myself everyone suffers.

When I get burned out I get crabby and snappy and generally just mean.

Until recently my time was pole dancing. As that is not possible now, I had to go through a meltdown to again realize that I needed to take a time to invest in myself.

So for the past three weeks I have been 'investing' in my personal needs by participating in The Daily Method Classes.

Yes, I have to take time away from my kids. I even leave the kids in the care of a non-family member (gasp) but I need to (this is one of the best things about The Daily Method- the childcare room onsite). I am refreshed. Stress is released from my muscles via the work out. I get to see other adults! I get to talk in sentences! Yay!

Personally, I know so many women who fall into this trap- the women/mother/martyr. If a class is unattainable ask someone for a babysitting swap, I would be all over that, and I often am!

As women though, we have got to stop it. We have got to stop putting everyone before ourselves. We have got to start investing in ourselves. We have got to care about ourselves and take care of ourselves, if for no other reason, than we will then be able to care for others better.

What's in a name?

With the unexpected pregnancy, I have had the fun and stress of thinking about naming this baby.

Naming a baby stresses me out. It is one of the first chances I have to really mess up the baby.

I have been stalking baby name generators, baby name meanings, baby girl names, and baby boy names hoping for inspiration. I have come up woefully short. There are very few names that I can honestly see naming a baby, and given the other kids names I need to make sure that it at least 'goes' a little.

Given Princess's first name can be a boys name or a girls name I would feel weird naming a boy (if this is a boy) a name that is even remotely unisex. I also can not see naming a girl an overly frilly name given the names of the girls.

To make it more interesting, I also care about the baby name meaning. Like Anne of Green Gables, I can't see a rose smelling as sweet if it were called a skunk cabbage.

So any ideas for brilliant baby names?

Must discuss options

Last week, Princess and I were discussing what she wanted to be when she grew up.
She said she wanted to be a mother. Okay...well.. I resisted the urge to say, "is that it??" as I know full well being a mother can be a damn hard job.

However, I do not her to feel like she is limited. She can be whatever she darn well pleases.

For a moment it felt like I had failed her as a mom and feminist. After re-framing my thoughts and seeing them in the light that feminism- to me- is about choice- that a person can chose to do what they want- not be hemmed in. So she has the freedom to choose and the ability to do whatever she wants. That is key. Heck she is only 7, she could easily change her mind many many times.