it has been a long time huh?

I used to write pretty regularly right?

And then I kind of disappeared? So what then heck?

A lot.

When B got hurt, and I had my hip surgery, I got kind of thrown. Then my kidney acted up and spend lots of time in the hospital and fell into a depression and anxiety that just couldn't lift.

Sure-- B didn't help one of the more cutting things that he said that still sticks with me was, "normal people aren't this sick" I needed to get it together- like this was my choice or my fault. It really hurt and was very cutting..  If I could get my body to cooperate I would in a heartbeat.

Then horrible news-- I carry the BRCA1 gene and hysterectomy. So more surgery.  More kidney.  More depression-- and so much went to hell.

I felt like I was holding my life together with string and a prayer.  I didn't even have pole to fall back on.

My blog has always been kind of open about my struggle with mental illness so I feel I should be frank about this too.  It was hard.  And  I made the biggest mistake than anyone could make. I went off my meds--- stupid I know.  So stupid.  I felt initially like maybe my brain could figure itself out and I wouldn't need meds to regulate my brain chemistry. I'd go off my anti-anxiety meds-- but I won't dare go off of blood thinners.... why do I give blood thinners so much more importance than my mental health? I am back on my meds.  Things are normalizing.

Depression and anxiety are beasts-- they just follow and sneak up when I am not expecting it.

In a nutshell that is where I have been.

I am running out of spare parts

I do not have: wisdom teeth, appendix, and one kidney.

Soon I will also lack a gall bladder. Apparently it has been acting up for a while and I just started to tune into the issues since I was no longer in pain from an obnoxious kidney.

I have to schedule its execution date at some point and I really really am not looking forward to it.  I hoped to be done with surgeries. 

In talking with my surgeon I joked that I am running out of removable parts- soon I'll be down to the bare minimum for functioning.  He laughed and said he and his colleagues had a bet going to see who could remove the most parts from a person and still have a functional life. I rolled my eyes so hard. 

A day with out antianxiety meds

When I was a teenager there was clearly something wrong with me.  I would get furious, not angry- furious- for no good reason.  I couldn't sleep well.  My thoughts were racing. I had an eating disorder. In short I was nuts.

My parents tried to get me help, and like any teen I fought them tooth and nail.  The doctors tried to tell my parents that I was bipolar. I am not.  I don't lay around in bed unable to move-- just the opposite. My head and thoughts move so fast I can't move.  It is like being pulled in a thousand and three directions at the same time and you can't even begin to figure out what your thinking because your brain has already moved on to 10 new things.

While your at it totally innocuous thoughts become worst case scenarios in seconds. If I were a super hero I would be Worst Case Scenario Girl: able to jump from nothing to catastrophe in seconds.

Finally, as an adult- I found a doctor and explained my thought process. He looked at me and said I had severe anxiety.  He prescribed meds for that.  The first time I took them, I was wary, but then they too effect and it was amazing.  I wondered, "is this how normal people feel all the time?" My brain and thoughts stopped racing.  I stopped having to work my self up to being able to handle the stress of grocery shopping.  Picking a brand of OJ was no longer a 10 minute debate.  I didn't snap at my husband.  I didn't get so frustrated with everything.  Life was so much more enjoyable.

The day before yesterday, I ran out of meds.  I was only out for a day.  But in that day- my behavior change was obvious.  It was not good.  Thankfully, I got my meds right away and by the next day I had managed to regulate a bit more. 

I am not ashamed of my anxiety and panic disorder.  I am not ashamed of my asthma or kidney issues or my blood issue. They are medical issues that can be treated and when treated I am fine.

This being mental health awareness week I feel the need to speak about how anxiety does not always look like a panic attack.. it can... but it can look a lot of other ways to.

I am not reliant exclusively on meds either.  I exercise a lot- but for times like this, when I need to rest and recover- they are a freaking gift from science (and G-d)

How to parent when dealing with pain

I don't know if you have missed me.  But I have missed writing.

Pain has been back in a big way.  My kidney has been causing me severe pain.

Last Thursday it was at its peak for me and I went to the ER.  I ended up having emergency surgery to relieve the pressure in my kidney.  A stent was put in and antibiotics started.  I hoped the antibiotics and the stent would set me right again.

It didn't work.  My pain level skyrocketed.  My normal routine of pain meds were not touching my pain, with all of the pain my kids were getting the really short end of the stick in a crabby tired mommy who had no energy for anything.  Things that I would normally laugh at sent me into a rage. It was unfair for them and depressing for me.

My stent was removed yesterday, as it had become occluded and prevented my kidney from draining.  But the pain continued, worsened even.  Enough pain that I again considered the ER- in the end I sat in a tub of hot water and practiced breathing techniques. 

This morning the pain is much better, not gone but good enough I felt like I could move without screaming.  We even went outside!

Which brings me to managing to parent when you are in serious pain.  It stinks but it is a fact of life for so many of us. 

Parenting is hard enough.  Adding pain or illness too it just ups the difficulty level by a factor of 100.
It is not all bad though.  Kids can learn that we need to work as a team, that empathy is important, and that parents make mistakes too.

I run out of patience so much faster when in pain.  I know I have said things I do not mean to my children when I hurt.  It doesn't take back what I said but I apologize to them- they at least can understand that I am admitting I was wrong and I am sorry I hurt their feelings.

Children can be very caring individuals.  They want to make their friends and family feel better.  My kids make up some wonderful songs to cheer me up and draw amazing pictures.  Let them be a part of helping you feel better- even if it is matching socks- it is one less thing for you to do.

Teamwork is an important life lesson to learn in general.  In our family we all work together.  If we are working against each other nothing would ever get done.  By working together and helping each other we can do more that we could imagine. 

Post Surgery Owies

Surgery is not supposed to be fun, I don't think.

Mama's the world over spend years cautioning their kids to not cut themselves, and to sign informed consents for someone to knock you out and cut you open is counter-intuitive.

But again, I did. And again it hurts. I had my wrist put back together yesterday. And am now doing everything one-handed. Typing only with my right hand is slower and bothersome.... but there are a lot more obnoxious things. For example, I can't open my pain pill bottle. Putting a diaper on an uncooperative baby with one hand is like wrestling an angry octopus...I could go on and on. It is not pleasant, hopefully, this will be short lived.