I keep forgetting this....

I used to be good at updating when anything happened... maybe not everyday but weekly.... and well- I forgot.

The kids are great. They are always great. Well-- ok not always, but a lot of the time they are great.

Princess is growing up--- and this is not ok. She was my baby- the little preemie who brought me back down.

Stinky is actually starting to smell now that he is 10.

Peas? is Peas. Enough said.  Seriously though- I worry about her. A lot. I see so much of me in her- that I want to grab her and say "its alright.  Even if things don't go the way you want--- it is alright they'll turn out in the end.

Pixie is in school full time and she is smarter than I care to admit. She figures things out so quickly watching her brain work is amazing.

LittleDude is not so little anymore.  Totally potty trained-- day and night *I swear he has only had 2 overnight accidents- no, don't know how that happened either...it just did.

I'm here. Learning. Trying.. and not always succeeding.

Feelings are hard for me, I feel so disconnected from them- at least my feelings--- other people? I feel their feelings deeply.

My unbroken heart

My right kidney is a pain. This is established. It has finally reached the point that it is safer to have it removed than to keep it.  Between infections, obstructions, pain it is better to get it out.

I went for my pre surgical clearance and my doctor did an EKG, I expected it to be fine; thought it was overkill and said that. 

It did not come back ok.  I had inverted T waves.  These have many different causes some really bad, some not so bad, and some benign entirely.  I was sent to a cardiologist and had a stress echo.  Again, expected this to show all was well. It didn't.  By this time I was terrified.

One of the things I have said many times, that if I had to have a an organ system with problems I am thankful that its my kidneys.  There are a lot of options for kidney issues- and if it progresses terribly, dialysis is an option (I am no where near that) but its nice to know it's there. Hearts are more scary. 

Of course having anxiety did not make this any easier. Panic was my constant companion.  Of course I went to the worst case scenario.. over and over.  I couldn't have a heart problem.  I am too healthy. Not possible. OMG, my kids, I was terrified of well, potentially dying. Obviously this was ridiculous, but it is how my brain works.

Tuesday I had a nuclear cardiac scan.  I was told if there was something wrong I would not be going home, but heading to the Cath Lab.  The doctors said it was more concerning because I have the clotting issues.

The doctor was very considerate, knowing that I was scared, was compassionate and read the test right away. There was no evidence of disease. I am fine. Cleared for surgery.  No cardiac issues.

My surgery was delayed, and I have to get a new date, and that is annoying.

Challenges

I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

Right now I am at my wits end with Peas. 

She is so intense and that is a struggle for us.  As passionate as she is when she is happy, she is just as intense when she is angry or frustrated. I am having a hard time dealing with her frustration and anger.

Sometimes it seems like she cannot contain herself and lashes out at her siblings.  As much as sibling squabbles are a part of life, I don't know how to work with her when she gets stuck in that loop.  I have to just wait for the loop to wear itself out and try and contain her.  I need a way help her refocus and calm down, but I don't know what that is. 

I see just how intense her feelings are and she is really just along for the ride and it can be scary for her too. Does anyone have any advice for me?

first crushes

Princess has a crush.  I am fortunate enough that she has let me in on this little secret.  I will respect her privacy and not tell who it is on.

I cannot believe that this is where she is at already.  That she has gone from diapers to first crushes.  It makes my stomach get all fluttery.

My first thought was, "Oh Sh*t!!!! Already??" then a while later (like hours) after I had been stewing over my sweet innocent child- I realized that I was 8 when I had my first crush too.

I would have died rather than tell my parents- so I hope her telling me-- willingly is a sign of an open, trusting, and honest relationship with her.

This is unnerving territory for me.  I am not sure how to navigate these waters.  What I do know, is that I love her, I respect her, I will not shame or humiliate her.  She is a smart, brave, courageous, authentic, amazing girl. 

Pole Dance Free Style Memory Loss

The basic format of our pole classes is: meditation, workout, trick time, dance time.  Sometimes there is a moving meditation in there too but that depends.

I get all happy for dance time and then it comes an I'll start dancing and my mind will blank out. Fairy climb I get to the top of the pole and well then what? What can I do from there?  Sitting here at the table thinking about it I can list off somethings but in the moment I blank- test anxiety pole dance style.

First, getting up high kind a freaks me out.  I am short- and mildly klutzy (okay-- moderately)- staying close to the ground is to my benefit- I have a shorter distance to fall.

I can do some pretty fun tricks and I am really proud of them, however, incorporating them into a dance and staying fluid escapes me.  Figuring out what to do escapes me.

Sometimes I wish I could have someone just calling out trick names and I could incorporate them because sometimes I can only remember like two things to do.

invert disorientation

Left and Right. 

Simple enough most of us were able to figure this out in childhood- or at least before we started (legally) driving.

Not so when you are upside down.

In pole dancing it becomes a whole other world when upside down.

"Put your right hand here."  Well which right hand?? right/left it is all a big mess...

Even worse with your feet. 

"Take your left leg and move it backward.... no the other backward" Say wha??

I become an absolute idiot upside down.  Like it is not even funny--- ok well it is kind of hysterical. 

Tomorrow (if I remember) I'll have someone take pictures of a trick for an example.

Can you do something???

I have a really hard time with 'can' vs. 'can't'.

For example: when I hurt my wrist. Could I do xyz?? Well I could- but would hurt a lot. Then I get yelled at for saying I could do something when I couldn't... Shouldn't there be a qualifier there? "Can you do this with out pain?"

Another one, can you drive to my parents house for lunch? Technically, yes I could. It is not reasonable, but it could be done. Sooooo what is the answer? Am I supposed to say, "Yes, I could- but I would have to leave very early"

I can never tell! What do you do?