Horrible Nightmare

Last week I had to go to the doctor for my hip.  While I was there, something horrific happened.

B was badly injured training at a live fire drill.

One minute we were texting each other about my hip, he said that he had to go drill, next thing I know my phone was going crazy as he had fallen trying to force open door as part of their training. When he fell he broke his leg.

Seeing the text that he was hurt but not knowing what was happening was terrifying. Not being able to help was frustrating.

As a mother, my job is to fix things. Make things better.  There is nothing that I can do to help him. Nothing I can do to make it better.  All I could do was go there and be there.

The break was bad enough and in a place that required surgery, I have had a lot of surgery, but waiting for someone to have surgery is something I have less experience with.  Sitting there, watching the screen with his case--- waiting for screen to advance to "surgery complete".

B's job has always scared me- I love and respect what he does, but it scares me.  Because he could so quickly be injured. Nothing is a guarantee.  Every time we talk we end it with "I love you, be safe".  I will not let him off the phone until he replies "I always am".

It has been hard for the kids- he is like superman.  He comes and fixes things and saves the day. His job is actually to save people.  He is not here a lot but when he is he is fantastic with them.  No one gets a better welcome than when daddy gets here.

Truth be told, I am a little jealous about how the kids are so interested in helping him. When I get hurt or have surgery nothing changes, the requests keep coming: "mama what's for dinner??" "where is my shirt?" B gets hurt--- totally different story- they are all over him helping.  Which, honestly is good.  He is dad- and a pretty darn awesome one.

Seeing the message that B was hurt was the most horrifying thing. My stomach dropped a million miles, I started sweating, I was sick to my stomach.  He annoys the crap out of me and irritates me beyond belief, but I love him.

When the doctor told me that he did need surgery, I got light headed--- and its not my leg! A doctor can tell me I need surgery and that is fine, I can deal, but not someone I care about, that makes it scary!

I do have new respect for what B had to endure in the waiting room for me- my surgeries were much longer and I have no idea how he managed.  Being the one unconscious is much much easier.

When he is better, I will have to find something new to say other than "I love you, be safe" because much like the kids-- he clearly doesn't listen.

I am thankful that he will heal.  I am thankful for my sister who saved the day. I am thankful.

Feed the birds (ducks- in this case)

Today we had a lot of fun-- and spent a whole $1.31.

We fed the ducks.

It was awesome. Every once in a while I bring the kids to a local park to feed the birds and ducks.  Last time we did it,  LittleDude was terrified of the geese and ducks- they were giants to him.

This time he loved it he laughed and squealed- and he wasn't the only one! We all did! Even a woman walking in the park stopped to video tape the fun.

We got out of the car waled towards the pond as we did, the ducks figured out what was happened and came over.  Even a mama duck brought her babies to see us.  The kids gleefully threw food to them and laughed and giggled at their antics. 

Soon the geese figured out what was happening- and came over to have a snack.  The geese were not nice to the ducks and the kids defended the ducks!

Here are Pixie, Peas, and LittleDude feeding the ducks- the mama duck was right there with her babies. 

Now LittleDude quacks like a duck in addition to his other animal sounds. 

So much fun! I am so thankful to spend this time with them.

Canon in D

I had all of my music on "shuffle" today; which if anyone listened to it they would think I have several personalities- everything from classical, to opera, to hip hop (and more- I think I have things from every genre on my ipod. 

Canon in D came on and I immediately got goosebumps.  I turned it up and let myself sit and go remember.  This was the song my sister walked down the aisle to be married with. 

I really did not want her to get married.  Change is not easy for me, and her getting married would be a huge change.  My sister is several years older than me, and while I never had a traditional sister relationship with her, I love her fiercely.  I felt somewhat safe with her, not like I had to play a mental chess game. I idolized her and saw how much my parents loved her and respected her and was (am) jealous. I could never be her.  I could never be as good at (insert something here) as she is. My father told me I would never hold a candle to her - maybe when I was 7 or 8... and I carried that around with me forever as a reminder that she would always outrank me. There was a photo of her with her violin and I slept with it because I wanted to be just like her. Desperately, I wanted to make my parents proud of me, like they were of her and I always fell short. Always.. As an adult that is hard, but as a child it was crushing.

So here getting married felt again like I wasn't good enough to have her as a sister- that she wanted to be with someone else, and I was so hurt.

On her wedding day she was beautiful.  She was radiant, glowing and so in love.. just what a bride should be. 

Its been over 20 years since then and she is still amazing.  I have not lost my sister- we have grown closer now that we have somethings in common. She has three great kids and is an inspiration to me as a mother and a wife-  more than a few times I have thought to myself "what would my sister do?" before saying something or doing something that would be rash. 

The song still makes me cry and gives me goosebumps though.

And she really was the most beautiful bride.