I keep meaning to write...

But then I get busy (busy? with 5 kids? never!).

First: I have been physically healthy for a few months.  I am learning to take time to rest, pace myself, and I have seen a few docs who have been amazing.

Its storming here. Again.  Its been so hot and humid it almost cant help but storm in the late afternoon.

I find myself reflecting on fun memories from my childhood that I want to write about as how they relate to parenting my own children, but of course, at the moment they escape me-- like on the tip of tongue.

Our house had a big front porch when I was a kid.  I LOVED that porch.  We found my cat on that porch, we made forts on the porch, we just sat and talked- just watching the world go by.  But, as the porch faced west, we especially enjoyed watching the weather roll in.

I recall having my mom braid my hair, practicing spelling words, watching the storm.  Once it was down-pouring absolute torrential down-down pour and I wanted my cat, Miss Meow.  Miss Meow was a feral cat that who adopted us.  She and I had a particularly close bond.  I could sit on the front porch and literally "Meow" for her and she would come from where ever she was in the neighborhood. Of course, that was if she felt like it.  For me, she usually did- unless it was raining.  What cat likes getting wet? This time, I called the cat and she came running... meowing back as she ran as if she was saying "I'm coming!"

This is a silly, insignificant memory but it reminds me of my cat- whom I loved and still do love dearly.  I miss her often and tell the kids all of the funny cat stuff she did.

Another weather related memory involves my bedroom.  I get nervous during storms. Always have.  But every night my mom and I would read a book sometimes a classic sometimes something silly. It was time we spent together.  I think she enjoyed sharing some of her favorite childhood books with me that way.  Our house was an old house.  It had tons of windows.  One wall of my room was windows.  I did not appreciate it as much as I should have. Frequently we would open all of the windows in the summer for a nice breeze (my dad hated air conditioning) so it was a good thing our house had so many windows. Regardless, it was hot.... the air was thick, my mom sat in a chair near my bed, and I recall looking out the window and seeing lightening. I said "ma, I see lightening" and she replied half asleep "Its just heat lightening" and then she told me a story from when she was a child.

Obviously, I couldn't just whip out an iphone and see if heat lightening was a thing or not.... it was  a good enough explanation for me- and I went to sleep.

I have been fascinated with the weather, and used to watch the weather channel, but I never looked up "heat lightening" I like the explanation, and even if it is not scientifically accurate, it was enough to calm my nerves, and that is pretty darn hard to do- even now.

My mom and I had a rough relationship through my teen years- and 20s... heck most of my life there have been challenges, but instead of focusing on the crappy stuff- I consciously think about these memories. The ones that- even for a moment I felt loved and good enough to deserve her love.  

Henry's egg hunt

So we have chickens.  We have had them since March but they have been laying eggs only since July.

Henry's favorite activity is to harass the chickens and find the eggs.  He is always so proud of himself when he goes and collects the eggs from the hens.  The hens (or the ladies, as they are referred to commonly) are very patient with their three year old jailer.

He will go and pick them up despite them being nearly his size- and put them where he wants them.
Henry helps feed them, clean up after them, give them water and generally take care of them- which is a lot for a boy who does not yet use the potty consistently.

Recently, we moved the chickens to our home and subsequently had to build them an area- which Henry was very helpful with.

However- before the coop was completed tragedy struck in the form of White Fang-- the very prey driven husky found her way outside and killed a chicken-- Laverne a lovely chicken who was my personal favorite.

This was a huge trauma.  The kids all took it horribly.  And insisted on a memorial for Laverne complete with a graveside prayer.

But they have moved on- and are very happy to be caring for the chickens.

Why do they grow up

Someone posted a thing on Facebook the other night about the "Last Time".

When was the last time I nursed Pixie-- clearly there was one time that was the last time. There was one time that I held her close and had her nurse.  I don't remember when this was- which is sad- I feel like there should have been a way to mark that.  This is true for all of the kids (except LittleDude) who is still nursing.

When was the last time I picked up Stinky and carried him to bed? Or put him on my back? There obviously was a last time but I don't know when that was.

I don't know what "last time" will be next.  Will it be the last time I "muggle" Pixie and Peas?  Will it be carrying them to bed? Reading them a story? When will it be the last time to hold their hands to cross the street?

Even knowing that that this last time is looming- it can be hard to appreciate the little things.  It can be hard to remember to cherish the snuggles, the talks, the hand holding. I hope I can learn to value this time as much as I should.

Life with a dictator

Little dude looks sweet and cute right??

He is a dictator.

He declares what he wants and expects his wishes to be obeyed forthwith.  Heaven help whom ever does not understand what he is saying. Because he knows exactly what he is saying.

Inspector Gadget! NOW.  Paw Patrol! STAT!

There are a lot of sayings about terrible 2's but 3's are really hard.  They know what they want, they can communicate it somewhat, and they are more determined so you can't try and distract them with something really cool (well you can-- and they may even humor you- but they will be back for what they initially wanted).

Three year olds can run the house if you let them.  Sometimes that is all that keeps my sanity--- LittleDude wants Chuggers?! Fine! He gets Chuggers.. Learn picking battles is half of being a parent.  I frequently tell the bigger kids to just give him what he wants so he will stop holding the house hostage with screams.

Logically- I know that 3 years is a huge developmental time and he is beginning to see the world does not revolve around him.  He is learning that wants do not always equal needs. Which can be a hard pill for a three year old to swallow.

Horrible Nightmare

Last week I had to go to the doctor for my hip.  While I was there, something horrific happened.

B was badly injured training at a live fire drill.

One minute we were texting each other about my hip, he said that he had to go drill, next thing I know my phone was going crazy as he had fallen trying to force open door as part of their training. When he fell he broke his leg.

Seeing the text that he was hurt but not knowing what was happening was terrifying. Not being able to help was frustrating.

As a mother, my job is to fix things. Make things better.  There is nothing that I can do to help him. Nothing I can do to make it better.  All I could do was go there and be there.

The break was bad enough and in a place that required surgery, I have had a lot of surgery, but waiting for someone to have surgery is something I have less experience with.  Sitting there, watching the screen with his case--- waiting for screen to advance to "surgery complete".

B's job has always scared me- I love and respect what he does, but it scares me.  Because he could so quickly be injured. Nothing is a guarantee.  Every time we talk we end it with "I love you, be safe".  I will not let him off the phone until he replies "I always am".

It has been hard for the kids- he is like superman.  He comes and fixes things and saves the day. His job is actually to save people.  He is not here a lot but when he is he is fantastic with them.  No one gets a better welcome than when daddy gets here.

Truth be told, I am a little jealous about how the kids are so interested in helping him. When I get hurt or have surgery nothing changes, the requests keep coming: "mama what's for dinner??" "where is my shirt?" B gets hurt--- totally different story- they are all over him helping.  Which, honestly is good.  He is dad- and a pretty darn awesome one.

Seeing the message that B was hurt was the most horrifying thing. My stomach dropped a million miles, I started sweating, I was sick to my stomach.  He annoys the crap out of me and irritates me beyond belief, but I love him.

When the doctor told me that he did need surgery, I got light headed--- and its not my leg! A doctor can tell me I need surgery and that is fine, I can deal, but not someone I care about, that makes it scary!

I do have new respect for what B had to endure in the waiting room for me- my surgeries were much longer and I have no idea how he managed.  Being the one unconscious is much much easier.

When he is better, I will have to find something new to say other than "I love you, be safe" because much like the kids-- he clearly doesn't listen.

I am thankful that he will heal.  I am thankful for my sister who saved the day. I am thankful.

Feed the birds (ducks- in this case)

Today we had a lot of fun-- and spent a whole $1.31.

We fed the ducks.

It was awesome. Every once in a while I bring the kids to a local park to feed the birds and ducks.  Last time we did it,  LittleDude was terrified of the geese and ducks- they were giants to him.

This time he loved it he laughed and squealed- and he wasn't the only one! We all did! Even a woman walking in the park stopped to video tape the fun.

We got out of the car waled towards the pond as we did, the ducks figured out what was happened and came over.  Even a mama duck brought her babies to see us.  The kids gleefully threw food to them and laughed and giggled at their antics. 

Soon the geese figured out what was happening- and came over to have a snack.  The geese were not nice to the ducks and the kids defended the ducks!

Here are Pixie, Peas, and LittleDude feeding the ducks- the mama duck was right there with her babies. 

Now LittleDude quacks like a duck in addition to his other animal sounds. 

So much fun! I am so thankful to spend this time with them.

A time to be sad--- and happy.

It was the end of year picnic for Pixie's preschool. It is also the last year this particular preschool will be open.

This preschool is heavenly.  It is a caring environment, the children were the focus, their blossoming into caring compassionate people with a love of investigation and learning.  The children were not forced or coerced into learning they were inspired to- by exploring.  Their hearts and souls were treasured.

This is the place were I met treasured friends who got me through some truly amazing people who I am honored to call my friends.  They have prayed for me, cared for me, and just been amazing.

The school had been open for more than 40 years serving many generations of children in the area with the same child centered loving environment- and this year they closed their doors.

At the end of year the picnic is a great time to say goodbye to friends and look forward to the next year.  There is no next year.  This is the last time my kids will run in the field.  Play on the climber. Go into the school.  Hug their teacher.

There will be no more children nurtured by the loving teachers. For a while it was just as fun as any end of year picnic, until it dawned on me.... this is it.  Its over.

I cried- took lots of photos. I will miss this place so very much.  It is irreplaceable.

You don't have to like everyone, but you have to be nice.

Or do you?

There seem to be a few different schools of thought on this.  On person in particular comes to mind.  Given the fact that s/he is in his/her mid to late twenties and will be stuck interacting for the foreseeable future- I would expect politeness.  To be honest, I am not this persons biggest fan either but I refuse to be anything less than nice.

To be honest, this person has hurt me a lot.  I am not saying I am blameless.  It has been more than 10 years since I acted like an idiot though- and I have apologized and totally changed my behavior. I don't even feel like I can tell anyone who this person is without causing more drama than may be worth it. I just wish someone would see how this person acts and address it- without me having to be involved (yes-  I know this is totally ridiculous.)

So what do you do when some people just refuse to be have like adults? Short of sinking to their level What is the best option? I could 'get even' but I don't want to.  Whats the point? Then we have 2 people acting like idiots.

As it stands I am very hesitant to allow my children or myself around this individual, but short of directly saying "your acting like a nutcase I don't want to be around you, and I don't want you around my kids?" what is there too do?





There needs to be a flow chart for this.

Mani Pedi time!

Princess and I do not get a lot of time one on one.  Well, I don't get a lot of time one on one with anyone.. except Scooter (aka little dude). So I make an effort to get out with them one on one.  Last night was Princess's turn.

We went to get our nails done- I got a pedicure, a no chip manicure, and a brow wax.  Princess had a manicure and a pedicure.  It is amazing what cleaned up eyebrows do for you.

Our time was really relaxing we had a chance to chat and just be together.  She picked cute colors for her nails and enjoyed getting pampered.  They ladies were kind and so patient with her, she got cute designs put on her nails. 

Typically, I get maybe 3 pedicures a year, and no manicures--they wear off to fast with my life, but after talking to a bunch of friends I decided to give the no chip one a go. It was a long process! But, I am happy with it.  With normal manicures, already, less than 24 hours after getting it, it is already falling apart- this one looks good.

My kidney was really painful during this but it was so very worth it.  I need to get a chance to hang out with my kids.  I am their mother but I am also their friend.  By spending one on one time with them, I can keep our relationship close and intact so they know they can come to me with anything.  I will not stand in judgement- I will support them.

We had a good time, and next week its Stinky's turn,  his choice: Chuck E Cheese.

Religious Education and tears

I am not really a crier.  I, today, had to hold back tears and fight to keep from crying in front of a room full of 10 year old kids.

We were discussing hunger as a world issue and what the truly, desperately, hungry people of the world go through- and it made my stomach hurt, my chest hurt.  I cannot fathom being a mother of kids and hearing my children cry and not be able to feed them.

Feeding my children is something I, as a mother, am biologically, drawn to.  I make milk for my babies and feed them from my body, the same way I grew them in my body.  Not being able to feed one's children and watching them suffer must be absolute agony for a mother.

On a humorous note, while we were watching a video on the hungry babies and children, I let down milk.  Lots of milk, and leaked.  It is as if my body's instinctual response to hungry babies and children is to produce milk-- milk makes everything better.

We are extremely blessed.  The times my kids are hungry is when my kids have decided they did not want to eat what I had.  It is not from a lack of food.  It is not from a lack of shelter, heat, and sanitary conditions.  Its because my children have never truly known hunger.  To be honest, neither have I.  I have starved myself as a function of an eating disorder- never from lack of actual food.

So what can we do as a group or as individuals?  We can't realistically ship boxes of candy overseas to impoverished people.  There are a few reasons for this one being that when a body is starving- reintroducing complex foods and fat to a person is not a good idea- their bodies cannot process it.  As a body starves it starts consuming itself for survival.  In critically malnourished people- careful nutrition in easy to digest forms is critical.  Additionally, how many people who live in abject poverty have a refrigerator, pans, cutlery, a can opener, a stove? Food needs to be easy to prepare and store.
Also, throughout the world there are people who do not eat certain foods for religious reasons.

One organization that I have been impressed with is Feed My Starving Children, they pack nutritionally dense, easy to prepare, ship, and store food worldwide.  One thing I am not clear on is that, as a Christian organization, does it serve people who are not Christian? Do they require bible study or anything as a condition for receiving food or service?  I have asked this question of them and am awaiting a response.  My personal belief is that the food should be available for everyone, no questions no demands- everyone is deserving of food- not just Christians. So before I commit to supporting this organization, I need to figure that out.

Do you know of any other organizations that are helpful and are open to supporting ALL people?