I keep meaning to write...

But then I get busy (busy? with 5 kids? never!).

First: I have been physically healthy for a few months.  I am learning to take time to rest, pace myself, and I have seen a few docs who have been amazing.

Its storming here. Again.  Its been so hot and humid it almost cant help but storm in the late afternoon.

I find myself reflecting on fun memories from my childhood that I want to write about as how they relate to parenting my own children, but of course, at the moment they escape me-- like on the tip of tongue.

Our house had a big front porch when I was a kid.  I LOVED that porch.  We found my cat on that porch, we made forts on the porch, we just sat and talked- just watching the world go by.  But, as the porch faced west, we especially enjoyed watching the weather roll in.

I recall having my mom braid my hair, practicing spelling words, watching the storm.  Once it was down-pouring absolute torrential down-down pour and I wanted my cat, Miss Meow.  Miss Meow was a feral cat that who adopted us.  She and I had a particularly close bond.  I could sit on the front porch and literally "Meow" for her and she would come from where ever she was in the neighborhood. Of course, that was if she felt like it.  For me, she usually did- unless it was raining.  What cat likes getting wet? This time, I called the cat and she came running... meowing back as she ran as if she was saying "I'm coming!"

This is a silly, insignificant memory but it reminds me of my cat- whom I loved and still do love dearly.  I miss her often and tell the kids all of the funny cat stuff she did.

Another weather related memory involves my bedroom.  I get nervous during storms. Always have.  But every night my mom and I would read a book sometimes a classic sometimes something silly. It was time we spent together.  I think she enjoyed sharing some of her favorite childhood books with me that way.  Our house was an old house.  It had tons of windows.  One wall of my room was windows.  I did not appreciate it as much as I should have. Frequently we would open all of the windows in the summer for a nice breeze (my dad hated air conditioning) so it was a good thing our house had so many windows. Regardless, it was hot.... the air was thick, my mom sat in a chair near my bed, and I recall looking out the window and seeing lightening. I said "ma, I see lightening" and she replied half asleep "Its just heat lightening" and then she told me a story from when she was a child.

Obviously, I couldn't just whip out an iphone and see if heat lightening was a thing or not.... it was  a good enough explanation for me- and I went to sleep.

I have been fascinated with the weather, and used to watch the weather channel, but I never looked up "heat lightening" I like the explanation, and even if it is not scientifically accurate, it was enough to calm my nerves, and that is pretty darn hard to do- even now.

My mom and I had a rough relationship through my teen years- and 20s... heck most of my life there have been challenges, but instead of focusing on the crappy stuff- I consciously think about these memories. The ones that- even for a moment I felt loved and good enough to deserve her love.  

it has been a long time huh?

I used to write pretty regularly right?

And then I kind of disappeared? So what then heck?

A lot.

When B got hurt, and I had my hip surgery, I got kind of thrown. Then my kidney acted up and spend lots of time in the hospital and fell into a depression and anxiety that just couldn't lift.

Sure-- B didn't help one of the more cutting things that he said that still sticks with me was, "normal people aren't this sick" I needed to get it together- like this was my choice or my fault. It really hurt and was very cutting..  If I could get my body to cooperate I would in a heartbeat.

Then horrible news-- I carry the BRCA1 gene and hysterectomy. So more surgery.  More kidney.  More depression-- and so much went to hell.

I felt like I was holding my life together with string and a prayer.  I didn't even have pole to fall back on.

My blog has always been kind of open about my struggle with mental illness so I feel I should be frank about this too.  It was hard.  And  I made the biggest mistake than anyone could make. I went off my meds--- stupid I know.  So stupid.  I felt initially like maybe my brain could figure itself out and I wouldn't need meds to regulate my brain chemistry. I'd go off my anti-anxiety meds-- but I won't dare go off of blood thinners.... why do I give blood thinners so much more importance than my mental health? I am back on my meds.  Things are normalizing.

Depression and anxiety are beasts-- they just follow and sneak up when I am not expecting it.

In a nutshell that is where I have been.

Utah anniversary

The night before, Thursday, I came home from Mock Trial team and spread my work out on the floor in the formal living, no one went in there so I could set to work on the mountains of projects I had to complete. My boyfriend called.  He was older than me, my parents didn’t like that. We argued. I knew something was up.  I didn’t know what.

I was sick. I was scared. I was hiding. I was running to try and find something- someone safe.  He was angry- he knew I was not telling him things. I couldn’t tell him. I was terrified.  Everything was so terrifying. Feelings were/are scary. They can’t be reasoned with they can’t be controlled.

My brother came home from work- he was staying with us while he was separated from his wife. We sat down for ‘dinner’.  Which was tense. Always tense. Eggshells. One wrong word, glance, putting a fork down too hard and it would erupt into screaming and crying- saying awful things- just to hurt the other person- hurt them as much as I was hurting. I felt so empty so scared so alone. I felt everything and nothing at once.

Back to homework. I had a final paper to revise, AP physics to prepare for. Exams were next week.

I went to bed.

Set my alarm, made sure that my riding crop was under my pillow. I was terrified of my dad. I was scared- and my flimsy riding crop was all the protection I could muster. I passed out into a dreamless sleep.

The next bit gets a little fuzzy

I woke up. I think it was my parents at my bedroom door—with 2 strangers. I was told that I was going to Utah today—like now. At 4 am.

My mind raced- how could I stop this. How could this not happen. How could I stop it? I thought of saying I was pregnant- even though I hadn’t slept with anyone- but Illinois law said that a pregnant minor was emancipated from her parents. Then again, I wasn’t 100% sure of that and my brother was a lawyer- he would have planned for that reaction.  Also, I was so thin- there is no way anyone would believe I was pregnant. My body could barely support me not another person too.

I realized at some point- that if I left- I may not like it- but I would be away. My parents could not hurt me so much every day. I wouldn’t have to see them an know I was a giant fuck up just ruining their lives maybe this could be ok. I agreed to go. But I asked about my group presentation that I had to present tomorrow… and what about finals? It would all be worked out they said.

I had a few moments to change- supervised. Go to the bathroom- supervised. I would have killed myself then. I would have just to not be so terrified.

I got dressed. Jeans, size 0- too big. A pink camisole. A black wool cardigan with pink roses.  I could take very little: I took my violin, my stuffed bear Tasha (whom later in Utah I would hold and inhale the scent of home) and my favorite book- Pride and Prejudice.  I asked to say good bye to my dog- Fred. My brother had him out for a walk. So I said good bye to my cat- Miss Meow. My parents asked to say goodbye to me, I told them to fuck off.

It was very cold. There was three feet of snow on the ground. We took off for O’hare- me and two escorts. Later I learned how good I had it.  Other girls were drugged and taken. Others were handcuffed and taken. I went on my own.

On the airplane the escorts were nice to me- this was their profession. Taking girls to treatment so they may—just may survive whatever demons live in them.  They gave me a letter my mom wrote to me. At first I was too mad.  Too angry to read it- but as we passed over the Midwest curiosity got me. I read it. And lost what little composure I had. Everything everything came spilling out overflowing in a mess of tears. I was angry and so very hurt—and scared… but being hurt and scared but you on the defense- and that was an untenable position for me- anger was safer. But there comes a time when anger can’t hold everything back. My time for that was somewhere over Nebraska.  I still have the letter.

They offered breakfast. A Danish. Orange Juice. Fat. Calories. Hell no.

When we landed I was handed off to Danielle and Matt. At first Danielle intimidated me- but later I grew to love her- she was the only one who could help me with my calculus. 

What do you do, 4 days after your 17th birthday when you are sent across the country- with no notice- to a treatment center so maybe, maybe I could survive this and come out the other side?

What do you do when for as long as you can remember you have been not good enough- convinced your parents hated you- then get sent away? Seems to confirm everything I had thought.

I felt more alone then than I had ever felt. But a sense of odd relief. I wouldn’t have to see my parents and know I was letting them down.  Hear the frustrated sighs, the disappointment.

The indignity got worse over the next few days and weeks—and I told myself that worst case scenario I would be there for 361 days- at which point I would become legally an adult.  Seriously, it got bad.

One of the worst parts was it confirmed my worst fears. That I was not good enough to be part of our family- so they simply got rid of me- remember 17 year olds – especially 17 year olds who are starving aren’t the best at critical thought.

Going to Utah sucked. It was awful. But it saved my life. I still have my old therapist’s (Alan) email and phone number in my phone- and yes- when things are really shitty- I call him and 16 years later? He still answers me. The man is a saint.

Now- I still don’t let people get close to me. I don’t do feelings well.  I prefer things that can me reasoned with and logiced  (new word, just made it up) out.  Feelings are too messy. Too much.

So today, I am a hot crying sobbing mess- and tomorrow it will be worse.

I am still friends with a lot of the girls who I got to know there- we had very different lives- but they were the first to help put me back together when I fell apart. 

 Now, so many years later- I lose it around my  'anniversary' both going and coming.  I try and keep terribly busy- to keep the tears away, to try and hold it together.  Inevitably, I fall to pieces a few time. A sobbing snotty mess. I can still smell the same smells feel the same feelings. Its like it is happening all over again.

I want to throw things, cry, have someone hold me and tell me its over, never will happen again-- and maybe pry my shoulders out of my ears- someone to be there to help stem the anxiety and fear.

Flashback to my grandmother

B's grandfather is elderly (duh) and not exactly in the best health. Recently, he has had to spend sometime at a nursing home to get back on his feet. 

We went to visit him.

Nursing homes must all be about the same. We walked in signed in and followed the signs to his room. 

In a heartbeat, I was back with my grandmother on a hot summer day instead of a winter one.  I did not anticipate this. Maybe I should have. 

My vision shifted, my ears roared, and my heart pounded.  It was just like my grandmother. B's grandfather's room was at the end of the hallway, and that hall went on forever.  Each step moving us backwards instead of forwards.

She has not been gone for very long, only 18 months, but still, I think of her daily.  I made her fudge for the holidays. I looked at her needle work and admired it.

My grandmother was pretty darn great, and I miss her.

Positive change

Typically, I am awful about dealing with change. When we remodeled the kitchen when I was a child, I cried for weeks.  When my mom got braces, I cried.  When my mom cut her hair I cried. Schedule changes are rough for me too.

For the past few years pole had been my refuge. My escape hatch from a busy life.  When things were rough I could count on pole to spin me back into a good mood.  Then I got sick. Really sick. I had surgeries. And more surgeries. I didn't get all the way better, I would get marginally better, then get sick again.  I had another baby. I got sicker. More surgeries.

Finally, I am getting better.  I am healthier.  But when I started back on the pole- so much that I took for granted was so hard, and it was defeating. I know that I could do something-- at one point- but now I am not strong enough anymore.  For a few weeks this was killing me.  It was depressing. It was dragging me down.

But I noticed tonight- my body is changing again, it is getting stronger. My muscles are coming back.  My flexibility is coming back.  I am not where I was, but soon I will be, I have to keep working at it.

So I owe heaps of thanks to Kymba of Kymberly's Aerial Pole Art and Fitness for sticking with me and showing me the joy in pole again.  While helping me get my butt back in shape.

Don't tell me to calm down

I have anxiety.  At times it can feel crippling.  Having someone tell me to calm down is like pouring gasoline on a fire: it does no good- and actually makes it worse. If  'calming down' was that easy don't you think I'd do it?? Would you tell someone having a heart attack to just stop? No?  (I certainly hope not, at least.) Then don't tell me to calm down.

Its insulting to be told that- as if I had some choice in the matter.  Anxiety is not something that I can schedule.  It just is.

Another thing not to do-- for the love of all that is holy- do not try and surprise or scar me.  I may surprise you by hitting you.

My unbroken heart

My right kidney is a pain. This is established. It has finally reached the point that it is safer to have it removed than to keep it.  Between infections, obstructions, pain it is better to get it out.

I went for my pre surgical clearance and my doctor did an EKG, I expected it to be fine; thought it was overkill and said that. 

It did not come back ok.  I had inverted T waves.  These have many different causes some really bad, some not so bad, and some benign entirely.  I was sent to a cardiologist and had a stress echo.  Again, expected this to show all was well. It didn't.  By this time I was terrified.

One of the things I have said many times, that if I had to have a an organ system with problems I am thankful that its my kidneys.  There are a lot of options for kidney issues- and if it progresses terribly, dialysis is an option (I am no where near that) but its nice to know it's there. Hearts are more scary. 

Of course having anxiety did not make this any easier. Panic was my constant companion.  Of course I went to the worst case scenario.. over and over.  I couldn't have a heart problem.  I am too healthy. Not possible. OMG, my kids, I was terrified of well, potentially dying. Obviously this was ridiculous, but it is how my brain works.

Tuesday I had a nuclear cardiac scan.  I was told if there was something wrong I would not be going home, but heading to the Cath Lab.  The doctors said it was more concerning because I have the clotting issues.

The doctor was very considerate, knowing that I was scared, was compassionate and read the test right away. There was no evidence of disease. I am fine. Cleared for surgery.  No cardiac issues.

My surgery was delayed, and I have to get a new date, and that is annoying.

Challenges

I love my children more than I ever thought possible.

Right now I am at my wits end with Peas. 

She is so intense and that is a struggle for us.  As passionate as she is when she is happy, she is just as intense when she is angry or frustrated. I am having a hard time dealing with her frustration and anger.

Sometimes it seems like she cannot contain herself and lashes out at her siblings.  As much as sibling squabbles are a part of life, I don't know how to work with her when she gets stuck in that loop.  I have to just wait for the loop to wear itself out and try and contain her.  I need a way help her refocus and calm down, but I don't know what that is. 

I see just how intense her feelings are and she is really just along for the ride and it can be scary for her too. Does anyone have any advice for me?

Well this is awkward still.

There have been some big changes around our household since the summer.  That are leading me to the conclusion it is time to move. 

I have talked about some of the awkwardness in our neighborhood after the DCFS spat of the summer.  I am worried about the summer.  Really worried.

We have started considering moving.  The DCFS thing is part of the reason we are seriously considering moving.  We do need more space and another bathroom.

Our neighborhood is great, and I adore (most) of our neighbors.  We have great friends, a great community, and wonderful resources and leaving that will be heartbreaking.  However, I no longer feel secure around one person.  I find myself dealing with far too much anxiety and unhappiness over it, wondering if she is again judging myself, my parenting, or my children etc.  Added to the fact, she has not made one friendly or neighborly gesture in the six months since this has happened.

As much as I hate to admit it, I am holding a grudge against her-- a strong angry-- hurt grudge.  I never thought I'd say it, but I am totally on B's side on this one.

Would offering to have a cup of tea/coffee and chat help resolve this?? The awful feeling is just, well, awful.  Neighborhoods shouldn't be like this. This is not community.  This is not the feeling I want to live with nor is it the atmosphere that I want to raise my children in.

Conversely, in a self righteous tone- we shouldn't be the ones to run away.  We didn't do anything wrong.  The children are loved and adored.

So, in the coming season we will be house hunting and preparing to move.  It is a scary prospect. But also really exciting to thing of having more room and more possibilities.  I hope and pray we find the right house with great neighbors where we can feel safe and secure again.

15 years.

Today is 15 years since I went to Utah.  It is always a rough day for me.  Lots of anxiety.  Lots of racing thoughts, yet feeling paralyzed to do anything other than exist. 

Yes. 15 years is a long time.  I have learned with the help of my doctors, that what happened, while ultimately leading me to get better, was very traumatic.

The night going into the 13th, I have nightmares and can't sleep well.  The day of, doing anything of importance is not possible. 

Sending me to Utah had to be one of the hardest decisions of my parents lives, and I am grateful that they did. Without it I don't know where I'd be.  I don't know that I would be strong enough to do that.  But I can't imagine watching my child destroy themselves and being totally helpless to stop it. 

I'll never forget that night. Remembering it is like looking back in slow motion. I can remember the snow on the ground. My brother had taken the dog for a walk- he didn't want to be there for that. My school work on the floor. My book.  A note my mom wrote me.  I refused to say goodbye to my parents- I was angry. So angry. So hurt. So scared. I had no idea what to expect how to navigate this.

15 years may have passed but thinking about that time I am right back there. Scared, overwhelmed, (a little angry), hurt, terrified, other feelings that I can't even name now.

15 years.  It seems like it was yesterday.

Utah was hard for a lot of reasons.  But I learned so much there, more than about how to function as a person, I learned how much I love the mountains.  How beautiful they are.  You know how some people feel totally relaxed at the beach, I feel that way about the mountains. I love rock climbing and being out in them feeling the air and wind.  I don't think I would have had the chance to learn that without Utah.

Learn from your mistakes.

When I was a kid and I would mess up I would get yelled at for it, and feel so awful.  I was ashamed, embarrassed, sad--- all sorts of things.  To the point that when I made a mistake I would hide it so no one would be mad at me. 

I was responsible for something, and while it was my responsibility, I lost it. I was terrified of 'fessing up to what I did.  What if the other person was livid? What do I do?

After texting a friend and losing my shit, I called and explained what happened.  The individual- was kind and understanding. I was shocked. I was so used to the blow up, shame, begging for forgiveness.

I would rather have my kids learn this way than feeling afraid to tell me something.  If I was not afraid to tell people things, I could save myself a lot of trouble. 

A day with out antianxiety meds

When I was a teenager there was clearly something wrong with me.  I would get furious, not angry- furious- for no good reason.  I couldn't sleep well.  My thoughts were racing. I had an eating disorder. In short I was nuts.

My parents tried to get me help, and like any teen I fought them tooth and nail.  The doctors tried to tell my parents that I was bipolar. I am not.  I don't lay around in bed unable to move-- just the opposite. My head and thoughts move so fast I can't move.  It is like being pulled in a thousand and three directions at the same time and you can't even begin to figure out what your thinking because your brain has already moved on to 10 new things.

While your at it totally innocuous thoughts become worst case scenarios in seconds. If I were a super hero I would be Worst Case Scenario Girl: able to jump from nothing to catastrophe in seconds.

Finally, as an adult- I found a doctor and explained my thought process. He looked at me and said I had severe anxiety.  He prescribed meds for that.  The first time I took them, I was wary, but then they too effect and it was amazing.  I wondered, "is this how normal people feel all the time?" My brain and thoughts stopped racing.  I stopped having to work my self up to being able to handle the stress of grocery shopping.  Picking a brand of OJ was no longer a 10 minute debate.  I didn't snap at my husband.  I didn't get so frustrated with everything.  Life was so much more enjoyable.

The day before yesterday, I ran out of meds.  I was only out for a day.  But in that day- my behavior change was obvious.  It was not good.  Thankfully, I got my meds right away and by the next day I had managed to regulate a bit more. 

I am not ashamed of my anxiety and panic disorder.  I am not ashamed of my asthma or kidney issues or my blood issue. They are medical issues that can be treated and when treated I am fine.

This being mental health awareness week I feel the need to speak about how anxiety does not always look like a panic attack.. it can... but it can look a lot of other ways to.

I am not reliant exclusively on meds either.  I exercise a lot- but for times like this, when I need to rest and recover- they are a freaking gift from science (and G-d)

Pole dancing competitions

Pole dancing is no longer a "Gentleman's" Club attraction.  It is now a fitness activity.  One that I adore.

As pole dancing has grown more popular, competitions have become more common.  Women I started poling with are entering (and winning!) competitions.  Women I dance with and train with are champions. That is super awesome.

I do not compete.  I will not compete. Let me say, I do not hold it against anyone if they choose to compete or perform or whatever. Let me tell you why I choose not to compete.

Personally, I can't let myself compete or I will end up doing it all wrong.  I will end up getting really upset if I don't win and it will suck the fun right out of it.  Pole is about fun- to lose that would be so sad.

I do not want to do that to myself.  I will also measure myself against other dancers; from skills to appearance.  I will critique my feet, my thighs, my belly, everything.  I don't want to do that, so I don't put myself in a position when that is likely to happen.

Another reason I don't compete or perform is; I don't want people looking at me like that.  Pole has a really sexual side to it. That is fine.  I just don't want myself to get caught up in it.  I don't want to be looked at like that.  If other people are cool with it-- go for it. Its just not for me.

Pole is for me. Its my time. I have no desire to let someone else or a competition get into my head and take that time from me.  It is the time when I can focus on being me, not a wife, mother, etc.  It is time for me to get out of my head and turn my brain off.

DCFS: Unfounded

We received our letter today from DCFS. It states that the allegation of child neglect is unfounded.

I have been vocal about this on Facebook because of the absurdity of it all.  The individual who called it in admitted it-- we knew who it was, it was just the admission that was like an extra sucker punch.

What she said to me via text was such remarkable crap that I couldn't decide whether to laugh or cry or scream.

Apparently, earlier in the year, when she called 911 when I got sick- my house was a mess.  I'll admit it.  Have you ever tried recovering from surgery and complications and 5 kids- add on 2 dogs and keeping the house? Yes my house was a mess. It was not dangerous though. There were no (and are no bugs) there were no rodents (and are no rodents). There is clutter.

She said that another neighbor was concerned over the care our kids had been receiving.  There was an instance 2 years ago when Pixie got out of the house when I was going to the bathroom- we changed the door latch so she couldn't open it- that same summer 2 years ago husband was in the garage getting something and Pixie toddled off into the road, he caught hell for it and felt awful.

Ok. Fine. So then talk to us. Offer to help. Express concern. If I know a friend or a neighbor is having a hard time I offer to help.  Not judge not gossip. Bad things come of that.  If all of this gossip is happening discuss it with the people being gossiped about- really assuming makes an ass out of everyone.  In fact she had done just the opposite.  She was very stern with my husband about not wanting to help us with childcare anymore- how does that express concern for the children's welfare?

She said it was a shame that I was angry and not willing to talk with her about this- a shame for the kids. Yep. It is a shame. A real shame that she, and adult, would take the words of a 5 year old with apraxia of speech, interpreted to her via a 6 year old child, spoken through a window with out double checking the facts. She showed incredibly poor judgement.

No, I will not forgive her yet. Someday but right now? I am not ready to.  What she did to my children, what she put them through, what she put me through- at the moment makes me so angry I want to scream. My oldest, Princess, was up most of the night worrying over this and is finally now able to sleep again.  

Hi, there, excuse me--- did you call DCFS on us? and other conversation starters

It has been well documented that my kidney and I do not get on well- like at all. 

This past weekend I was back in the hospital because it was blocked up and infected.  Husband was of course working, where else would he be? (Seriously it seems like every time I have a crisis he is at work and just can't get away--- of course it doesn't help that he works an average of 100 hours a week)

I asked around and my sister was able to drive out from Chicago with her kids to watch mine- you know what would have happened if I couldn't find someone to watch them? I would have stayed home or brought them with me because leaving 5 kids home alone is a shitty idea.

When my sister and her kids got here- I had made dinner and written out some basics for her to deal with the kids.

The next day when husband got home she left.  Brian was at home with the kids doing support calls (working) in the basement. He had told the kids that they may not go out and play and they could not open the door etc because he was working.

A neighbor kid came over and talked to one of my kids through the window- my child said they could open the door or answer go out because mommy was in the hospital and daddy was working. 

Shortly after this a police officer showed up at the door and asked to see my husband- who was working downstairs.  He came up and said that they had received a call from DCFS reporting a tip that our children were home alone (WTF)!!! My husband called me fuming.

When I was discharged from the hospital I received a call on my cell from a DCFS case worker to arrange a visit.

The DCFS lady came the next day and talked with my kids and cleared everything up.  I am so unbelievably mad.  I know who did this.  But I am struggling on confronting her- how do I start that conversation?

I understand why she was concerned but to not to verify what actually happened or was happening?? That is a shitty thing to do. 

The entire thing makes me so terribly mad. My kids were horrified and scared- Peas cried nearly all night blaming herself. My anxiety went from bad to unbearable.

I have signed out of the hospital against medical advice to be home when we did not have a sitter, my husband had used ALL of his sick time to care for the kids when I was sick.

Instead of being kind and helpful she was mean and spiteful, if she was that concerned about the safety of the kids why did she not verify it? Why did she not offer to help? What she did helps no one, and makes things much more stressful.

Anxiety in my head

Do you have anxiety?  I do.

Living with anxiety is like living in a pressure cooker.  My thoughts race so fast that I can't put words to them or slow them down long enough to even breath.  My heart races, breathing quickens, and muscles tense- and that is an average day- being engulfed in a sense of terror for no reason feeling like I could lose my mind and jump out of my skin. 

When I found my current doctor, I was suffering from this pretty acutely.  Thankfully, this was an easy one for him to pin down and immediately started me on meds to help calm my mind.  I do not advocate going on medications for every little thing, but there are times when they are necessary.  Sometimes it is a short term thing sometimes it is a long term one, which ever it is- its ok.

People should not feel stigmatized because they are sick.  Whether the sick is a brain thing or a kidney thing or whatever.  It is no ones fault.  Sick is just sick- and sick people need care- not judgement. So I will be very open about my experiences- maybe so others will not feel stigmatized or alone.

When I started the meds and they started working, it was like my head was quieter.  My brain and thoughts slowed to what must be a normal speed. It was amazing to feel that.  Is this what normal people feel like all the time?  I could sit still, I didn't twitch.  I could sleep.  It was like someone stopped pressing fast forward in my head.

Now, especially during stressful times I have break through anxiety and I need to tweak my meds and work on meditation a bit more but now more than ever I don't feel a fight or flight response when the doorbell rings.

Confessions from a pole class

I had another class with and awesome instructor.

We worked on these tricks

and I got them.  First time. Which means I was able to do the dove on the pole and felt super secure.  So AWESOME.

Pole dancing is the unique time that I can go to the studio in a crabby bitchy mood and be able to walk in and feel the weight of the world and all of the things that I am juggling mysteriously disappear.

I also was able to get the superman fall.

The frustrating thing.  Is my wrist was really bugging me on my cartwheels.  Well you can't have everything.  Pole dancing is really a challenging sport.  Give it a try!

first crushes

Princess has a crush.  I am fortunate enough that she has let me in on this little secret.  I will respect her privacy and not tell who it is on.

I cannot believe that this is where she is at already.  That she has gone from diapers to first crushes.  It makes my stomach get all fluttery.

My first thought was, "Oh Sh*t!!!! Already??" then a while later (like hours) after I had been stewing over my sweet innocent child- I realized that I was 8 when I had my first crush too.

I would have died rather than tell my parents- so I hope her telling me-- willingly is a sign of an open, trusting, and honest relationship with her.

This is unnerving territory for me.  I am not sure how to navigate these waters.  What I do know, is that I love her, I respect her, I will not shame or humiliate her.  She is a smart, brave, courageous, authentic, amazing girl. 

When you lose it

Face it.  Kids can be frustrating and overwhelming.  I get overwhelmed, frustrated, and irritated.  Its life.

I try not to lose my patience with my kids, but honestly- it is hard.  It is really hard.  There are 5 of them 1 of me, 2 dogs, and 2 cats.  I feel like I am fighting a losing battle.

And therein lies the problem.  I am not fighting anything unless I choose to. Nothing really needs to be a fight.

But like all plans- they go awry and sometimes I end up yelling.  So what then?  I want to be a peaceful parent who utilizes non-violent communication.  That sense of failure makes me even more mad and frustrated- which begins a frustration spiral and basically becomes a big mess.

So what gives?

a)  try not to lose your patience,sometimes I end up having a glass of water or walking up and down the driveway to calm myself down until I can address the issue.

b) figure out exactly what is frustrating you.  Is it that the kids are being loud?   Work on addressing the core issue.

c) if you yell- and you very well may.  Apologize.  Humbling yourself in front of your kids teaches them a valuable lesson.  It teaches them that grownups are not perfect, that they are worthy respect, and that grownups care about them

So don't despair if you end up yelling.  Try again.  

Pole Dance Free Style Memory Loss

The basic format of our pole classes is: meditation, workout, trick time, dance time.  Sometimes there is a moving meditation in there too but that depends.

I get all happy for dance time and then it comes an I'll start dancing and my mind will blank out. Fairy climb I get to the top of the pole and well then what? What can I do from there?  Sitting here at the table thinking about it I can list off somethings but in the moment I blank- test anxiety pole dance style.

First, getting up high kind a freaks me out.  I am short- and mildly klutzy (okay-- moderately)- staying close to the ground is to my benefit- I have a shorter distance to fall.

I can do some pretty fun tricks and I am really proud of them, however, incorporating them into a dance and staying fluid escapes me.  Figuring out what to do escapes me.

Sometimes I wish I could have someone just calling out trick names and I could incorporate them because sometimes I can only remember like two things to do.