post election redux

The election was a while ago and I had hoped that calmer heads would prevail.  Sadly, that has happened.

I am still worried and feeling insecure. Will my insurance be changed and caps/limits be imposed which can cause me to be die?

Yesterday, the Senate voted to repeal the ACA- the thing that had saved my life.

While I currently I have insurance via a municipality- until the ACA it had a limit attached to it.

I worry for my kids. I worry for people who have been marginalized- who very well may be facing further marginalization.

What now? What next? I will fight for the rights of those people who are facing marginalization.
I will speak up when I see in justice. I raise my children to speak out against injustice.  I will raise my children to call out racism and hate.

Hate has no home here.  My house, my home is a place for inclusion. It is a place for love. Never hate.

Why saying you don't see color is BS.

Unless you are a dog or color blind... in which case- you're excused.

I have a lot of friends who are legitimately socially liberal people.  Good on them right?


One thing that they say with relative frequency is, "I don't see color-- I see the person."  I call bull crap.

It is insulting to everyone involved.  First- I felt guilty because- I'll admit- I do see color- and I don't judge them for it (duh) but I have to acknowledge that a person of color is going to have different day to day experiences than I do. To insinuate otherwise is insulting.

A person of color should be proud of their melanin. It does not define them, nor make them who they are-- but it is a part of their lives and influences them. It connects them to a deep rich history.

By saying "I don't see color" a person is insinuating that  they do not see the differences in life experiences that white people don't deal with- a friend of mine recently related a story of a traffic stop that was so insulting and so unbelievable (yet clearly true) I have no idea what to say!

To point.  I was pulled over recently.  I did not have a non expired insurance card on me- we have insurance, but the card was missing  The police office said not to worry about it- that he was sure I had insurance and let me know kindly my tail light was out. I bet this would not have happened this way for my friend.

So say that 'I don't see color' is saying that I don't see something that impacts so many aspects of a persons life, and that is insulting.

Anxiety in my head

Do you have anxiety?  I do.

Living with anxiety is like living in a pressure cooker.  My thoughts race so fast that I can't put words to them or slow them down long enough to even breath.  My heart races, breathing quickens, and muscles tense- and that is an average day- being engulfed in a sense of terror for no reason feeling like I could lose my mind and jump out of my skin. 

When I found my current doctor, I was suffering from this pretty acutely.  Thankfully, this was an easy one for him to pin down and immediately started me on meds to help calm my mind.  I do not advocate going on medications for every little thing, but there are times when they are necessary.  Sometimes it is a short term thing sometimes it is a long term one, which ever it is- its ok.

People should not feel stigmatized because they are sick.  Whether the sick is a brain thing or a kidney thing or whatever.  It is no ones fault.  Sick is just sick- and sick people need care- not judgement. So I will be very open about my experiences- maybe so others will not feel stigmatized or alone.

When I started the meds and they started working, it was like my head was quieter.  My brain and thoughts slowed to what must be a normal speed. It was amazing to feel that.  Is this what normal people feel like all the time?  I could sit still, I didn't twitch.  I could sleep.  It was like someone stopped pressing fast forward in my head.

Now, especially during stressful times I have break through anxiety and I need to tweak my meds and work on meditation a bit more but now more than ever I don't feel a fight or flight response when the doorbell rings.

"oh my you've got your hands full!"

Any time I take my kids somewhere I get this.

"Wow.  Your hands are full!"  or
"Are they all yours?" or
"Do you know how this happens?" or
"Are you done yet?" or
"Are you crazy?"

Yes, my hands are full.  But so is my heart.  I have 5 kids.  5.  One whole handful.  One amazing group of kids. I am thankful for every.single.one of them.  Each of them is a blessing.

But you see-- my hands are full- but my heart is more full.  My kids are so loving and so joyful (most of the time- everyone has their days).  I cannot imagine life without all of them.  They are my heart.

Yes. They are all mine--well kind of.  And my husband's.  And our families (family not being limited to relatives- family meaning everyone who we love and who loves us-- which is A LOT more than blood relatives), they are also G-d's children. He for some reason- that I may never understand fully blessed me with these 5 great kids- He entrusted them to me- I don't know why- but He did.

Yes. I know how it happens. I was a Biological Sciences major in college-- got this one down.

Meh. If it happens it happens.  Truth be told- I was not expecting any of my kids.  They were all amazing surprises and great blessings.

Sure, I'm crazy.  We all are crazy in our own way.  Crazy keeps things interesting.

No Hate

Hate is one word that we do not use in our house.

It is one of the words that I do not let my kids say.  We also avoid words such as stupid, dumb, retard, gay, etc

Honestly, I do not mind nearly as when the kids say other inappropriate words, such as the 'f word', but that has only happened a few times, mostly because I said it when I broke a toe.

Why do we not say hate??

Hate is too strong.  Hate, to me, is associated with violence.  Violence in general is something I seek actively to avoid.

It may be harmless so to speak to say you hate coconut (for example)- but really do you hate coconut or do you just really really intensely dislike it.  Hate is just too strong of a word to use.

What words do you not use? 

Pregnancy and Infant Loss

Today is a beautiful day in the Chicago suburbs. The sun is shinning, the sky is absurdly blue, the air is crisp. As beautiful as it is, it is a sad day. Today is dedicated to remembering the lives of babies that were taken to soon.

I remember my almost babies, knowing that though they were never born, they will always be loved.

I remember my friends losses, miscarriages, stillbirths, and the loss of an infant. All heartbreaking. All tragic.

Nothing can change the losses, all that can be done is to remember the families and the babies. To remind everyone that love is surrounding.

To my friends who have lost, I am deeply sorry. Losing a baby is not something a parent should ever know. You are loved. Your babies are loved.
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I am aware of the losses. I do not need a special day to remind me. The losses don't just go away on October 16th.