She really is just a kid

The kids have had to learn a lot of hard lessons about life since I was sick.

They have had to learn that sometimes even mothers get sick.  That sometimes as much as we want them too things just don't go as planned.   This summer has been great as I have not been sick much at all and have had lots of time to spend playing with kids and enjoying the summer.

A lot of times they are incredibly mature.  They are compassionate and empathetic to everyone.  Which, sometimes leads me to forget that they really are just little kids.

Then they do something that just reminds me that they really are just kids.  Most recently, this was the ice cream truck.

All of their maturity in the world goes right out the window the second they hear the ice cream truck.

The fun of childhood is pretty great.

My unbroken heart

My right kidney is a pain. This is established. It has finally reached the point that it is safer to have it removed than to keep it.  Between infections, obstructions, pain it is better to get it out.

I went for my pre surgical clearance and my doctor did an EKG, I expected it to be fine; thought it was overkill and said that. 

It did not come back ok.  I had inverted T waves.  These have many different causes some really bad, some not so bad, and some benign entirely.  I was sent to a cardiologist and had a stress echo.  Again, expected this to show all was well. It didn't.  By this time I was terrified.

One of the things I have said many times, that if I had to have a an organ system with problems I am thankful that its my kidneys.  There are a lot of options for kidney issues- and if it progresses terribly, dialysis is an option (I am no where near that) but its nice to know it's there. Hearts are more scary. 

Of course having anxiety did not make this any easier. Panic was my constant companion.  Of course I went to the worst case scenario.. over and over.  I couldn't have a heart problem.  I am too healthy. Not possible. OMG, my kids, I was terrified of well, potentially dying. Obviously this was ridiculous, but it is how my brain works.

Tuesday I had a nuclear cardiac scan.  I was told if there was something wrong I would not be going home, but heading to the Cath Lab.  The doctors said it was more concerning because I have the clotting issues.

The doctor was very considerate, knowing that I was scared, was compassionate and read the test right away. There was no evidence of disease. I am fine. Cleared for surgery.  No cardiac issues.

My surgery was delayed, and I have to get a new date, and that is annoying.

I think I figured it out....

The entire DCFS thing really has thrown me off balance as a mom and person.  I am angry.  Betrayed. Sad.

My sister and my friends were offended and offended for me. I found this comforting.  Like I wasn't nuts for feeling so upset. It was validating.  Typically, I have a really hard time judging my reactions to make sure they are appropriate, if I am more hurt than is reasonable etc.  This validation was very useful to me.

I had to figure out why I am still upset over this- why I still have to resist the urge to yell at my neighbor and question what on earth she was thinking, how could she even think that of me and my family.  I am not perfect. I am a flawed person and flawed mother.  I am human.  But, I think I am a good mother.  I love my children more than I can explain.  I am proud of the way I have chosen to parent them.  I am proud of the way they are growing. I am proud of us. The DCFS thing was cutting because it was essentially saying I am not a good parent.  It has not been easy for us for the past few years.  I have had health struggles, we have a lot of kids.  But I'll be damned if my children are not at the forefront of my mind with every choice I make. 

Mama got very sick

You see last weekend, I had a blood clot in my brain.

I don't really remember what happened.  It is all kind of fuzzy.  I remember not knowing where my two middle girls were (at my in laws).  I couldn't figure out things basic things.  Nothing made sense.   There was a tub of flour on the table and I couldn't figure out why and it was very upsetting.

Somehow I called my husband.  He realized there was an issue based on my slurring my speech and talking about things that made no sense what so ever. He wanted to me to give the phone to Princess so she could help.  I- being stupid and not with it- refused. Arguing with me when like that was like arguing with 4 year old over ice cream.  There was no reason.

At some point I had a glimpse of reason and decided to call 911.

My husband called my in laws to help, they arrived around the same time as the ambulance.

Everyone realized there was something seriously wrong.

I could not communicate with anyone.  (thought I remember telling people things)
Apparently I had a facial droop, difference in strength and other signs of a brain issue.

At the hospital I  had a a bunch of tests that I don't remember.  I stayed overnight.

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that being the story I wanted to have my kids tell about how they felt so other kids who have a family member experience a medical emergency can know they are not alone.

Princess -age 9-

I didn't know what was happening, I thought my mom might die.  I tried to remember what to do.  I was scared.  When the police and the fire department came it was confusing there were too many people. 

Stinky -age 6-

I was confused.  I wished she would get all better.  There were a lot of people here to help.