It really helps

Sometimes I feel bad about myself... don't we all though? I look in the mirror and I see lines, circles, bumps, and lumps that were not there- that should not be there-- that were not there- but now grace me with their presence.

I see wobbles and jiggles and all of the things that are not so appealing.

Since starting pole dancing I am less likely to immediately start the critique. I will instead appreciate the soft curve of my hips or the muscles that are becoming more defined in my legs.

The week before we officially graduated from level I, a classmate filmed us doing our dance, she filmed us individually; us dancing to our own music, doing our own thing. It was harder than I had anticipated. But it was a ton of fun.

She gave us each our DVDs and I was not expecting to look hot or sexy- I was expecting to look silly- like someone trying to look sexy and winding up looking goofy. I was so pleasantly surprised, shocked even, that I liked the way I look. I looked hot. I looked like I was having fun. I looked good! Sure, I can see that I have some jiggles that I would like to work on but for now..even if it never changes- I was hot!

It helps me remind myself that I am a woman an attractive woman at that and I can enjoy that.

Look at me I am FABULOUS!

To quote a friend interpreting Peas. Its true too. She is very much "Here I am love me! I am fantastic!". I love her for it.

For no reason the other day she walked up to us standing on the driveway chatting and she threw out her arms, grinned, giggled, and said "DA"- which as you know translates to "Look at this!!!"

She is totally the girl who will be the only one dancing and not care- she will live it up. She is the life of the party. She is exuberant and ohh so tiring.

I hope to preserve her good-natured love of well- everything and her self worth.

We could all be a little more "Look at me, I am FABULOUS!"

I have it in writing.

I am a Princess. So Ha! It is official. I am a princess..a pole princess... but the operative word is PRINCESS! Now I just need a tiara- I can raid the dress ups for one.

Last night was my pole dancing graduation from level 1 of pole dancing. I DID IT! I really did! yay! It has been one heck of a journey of introspection, self discovery, and exploration...and yes a bad ass work out too. The best part of it are the other ladies there to cheer each other on and support one another. We started out in our first class as strangers- now I would call them all friends. They made me laugh after a particularly awful day yesterday.

During the eight week class I learned some fun tricks but I learned more about myself and am beginning to learn to value myself and beginning to cherish what and who I am- right now. Which- given the kind of person I am- is a darn miracle.

Next week starts level two. A continuation of my epic journey. I could not be more excited.

Luck or lack of it.

Does it seem like some people get everything? Being pretty..Smart.. everything that you (I) ever wanted without having to work so hard at it??

I wish I could say that I am not jealous of it. But I confess I am. I confess that I am jealous of people who find their lives fulfilling and are so talented. I confess I feel desperately untalented and unattractive and no amount of anything seems to help it.

Sure when something good happens to someone I am happy for them but a little teensy part of me is jealous of it. Yes, I recognize that it is about me not them.
I wish I had their luck or talent too. I cannot think of anything that I am 'good' at. Really there is nothing.

About 6 years ago

The weekend before Princess was born B and I went away for a few nights. We were not anticipating Princess to arrive for another few months so we were just having fun being two people stressed, in love, enjoying sometime.

The memories from that weekend stay with me as vividly as anything. I can still feel my right shoulder slightly sunburned. The smell of the breakfast that B made still lingers as do the memories of the movies we watched: "Band of Brothers".

It was the first time that anyone thought I was pregnant and not just fluffy- which thrilled me.

I got to go for a nice walk and enjoy the sun... and he followed me on his bike to make sure I was ok (my sense of direction is very very poor)

We went for pizza at what will always be my favorite place. We held hands we kissed we snuggled. We were so gloriously happy.

It was amazing. Every Spring I remember it; knowing that nothing can every come close to touching that time.

I must have blinked.

Yesterday or the day before--- sometime recently I was driving somewhere and I looked in the backseat of my sexy minivan and noticed that Princess was no longer the sweet 2 year old girl who had a winsome laugh and infectious grin. She is growing. So so fast. Her limbs are stretching; her hands are almost as big as mine and she is creeping up on me in height.

Her face is loosing the softness of baby chub and becoming more defined. Her eyes are still piercing blue and she smiles with her whole face but they have a maturity too them in the five year old sense.

She carries herself not with the awkward gait of a toddler anymore but with more grace and purpose to her movements. She can flip her hair with the best of them!

Princess has always been bright and she has always been astute. But now, she is learning emotional intelligence, as well as reading. She is conscientious and generous with her heart. She is a peacemaker with her siblings.

She is all of this and at the same time as being a five year old girl with a budding attitude and occasional defiance. She can be the greatest one to solve problems and in a moment switch to being in the middle of the conflict. She is so independent but still relishes in snuggles and stories.

As much as she is a young lady she is also a kid. I am guilty of at times expecting too much from her. When she acts in a perfectly age appropriate way I get unduly frustrated and I am sorry for that.

I am proud of her. She is an outstanding girl and I love her.

And like that it is over......

Chicago weather is a fickle thing. You can go from 80's to 60's in hours...from 70's to snow over night.

This week has been glorious weather wise- days like these are why I live here. The cold and snow and rain make me appreciate these kind of days that much more so I try not to take them for granted- especially so early in the season.

The weather has been mid 70's and sunny today it was in the 80's I believe and heavenly. We were outside essentially all day. Riding bikes, going to the park, playing in the dirt (yes they literally play in the dirt- and love every moment of it).

But last week it was still mitten and hat weather and today was dressing the girls in sun dresses and liberally applying sunscreen- it never ceases to amaze me. In a few months these warm days filled with sunshine will be common place- but now they are a treasure to be savored.

It is going to rain this weekend and get chilly again. I'll be sad to put away my shorts the sundresses for a bit more but it was great to get things moving.

Ohhh- speaking of bike riding. Princess can now ride a two wheeler. When did she get so big? It was a year ago (or two?? I don't remember) I was teaching her how to peddle in 10 degree weather now she is zipping around sans training wheels.

Yesterday, she asked me all nonchalantly if I could take of her training wheels and I figured that now was as good of a time as any- Pixie was sleeping.. Peas was worm hunting and Stinky was collecting Roccos...so I would have time to run her up and down the driveway helping her learn balance. How naive I was. It took me longer to get the wheels off than it did for her to learn to ride. I held the bike steady for her to get on and off she went--- no problems. In fact I got more injured in the bike riding lesson than she did I must have done something wrong.

Cross of another milestone this girl is going places.

here are a few pictures from our day: