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On the 13th. I was a little busy this year trying not to have a baby- but the 13th did not go by unnoticed, especially because it was a Friday.
13 years ago I went to Utah. 13 years ago my life changed. 13 years ago....
My mom wonders why I do not just let it go. Why I still think about it. Why I am still dealing with it. Why it hasn't become something mundane.
Honestly, I do not anticipate it will ever be something mundane. I do not think I will ever let it go. How can I? How can I let go- essentially being kidnapped in the middle of the night by 2 strangers to fly across the country with my parents blessing, taking only a teddy bear, my violin, and my favorite book (I have always been a book nerd).
I remember it all so clearly, but like I was watching it, in the third person. It was cold (duh), there was a lot of snow. We got to the airport and the escorts (there are actual companies who supply people to take teens to treatment centers) and I had developed a report enough so that they let me go to the bathroom alone.
When I think back to that day, I have a reaction that I cannot explain. It is a visceral gut reaction. My chest burns. My eyes water. My breath is short. I become confused and disoriented. I cannot think of words to describe it.
So yeah. 13 years.
Attitude adjustment.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
We are 18 days into the new year and I have already done a bang up job of messing up my Resolution to choose joy- to chose bliss.
I have had a capitalistic attitude and I am feeling the results. I have been feeding into to the negativity, and I totally feel it. I am short, snippy, and impatient and it is stopping.
From today- I will endeavor to see the good, to feel gratitude, to see the small things, to appreciate the silly and mundane.
I may not be 100% successful especially at such a radical shift in thinking, so small victories will be embraced and celebrated.
Today I chose bliss.
I have had a capitalistic attitude and I am feeling the results. I have been feeding into to the negativity, and I totally feel it. I am short, snippy, and impatient and it is stopping.
From today- I will endeavor to see the good, to feel gratitude, to see the small things, to appreciate the silly and mundane.
I may not be 100% successful especially at such a radical shift in thinking, so small victories will be embraced and celebrated.
Today I chose bliss.
My response to transgender girl scouts
Friday, January 13, 2012
I am a proud member of Girl Scouts of The United States of America.
I am even prouder that the Girl Scouts are being so courageous to welcome everyone.
Girls- especially girls who may not fit the 'norm' need to be and deserve to be supported and nurtured, not judged and ostracized.
A few parents have asked how I would feel if my daughter's troop had a transgender child in it. While obviously, I cannot tell exactly, because I am not in that situation, I have to say- that on the whole- great- I would be proud of her for welcoming and accepting another person. I would be thrilled that she would be exposed to a wide variety of people. We are not all alike. Our differences are something that should be celebrated- not shamed.
I suppose this is where, for me, at least, things get complicated. If the Girl Scouts wanted tax money/breaks/benefits then they should be held to a non-discrimination code, that welcomes everyone. If they wanted to be maintained as a private organization- then I would have to support their right to prohibit people from joining- but I would not like it.
As it stands, I am thrilled to be a part of an organization that is is courageous enough to stand up for everyone and welcome all girls.
And yes- I will be buying a ton of cookies this year. It is a darn good thing they freeze well.
I am even prouder that the Girl Scouts are being so courageous to welcome everyone.
Girls- especially girls who may not fit the 'norm' need to be and deserve to be supported and nurtured, not judged and ostracized.
A few parents have asked how I would feel if my daughter's troop had a transgender child in it. While obviously, I cannot tell exactly, because I am not in that situation, I have to say- that on the whole- great- I would be proud of her for welcoming and accepting another person. I would be thrilled that she would be exposed to a wide variety of people. We are not all alike. Our differences are something that should be celebrated- not shamed.
I suppose this is where, for me, at least, things get complicated. If the Girl Scouts wanted tax money/breaks/benefits then they should be held to a non-discrimination code, that welcomes everyone. If they wanted to be maintained as a private organization- then I would have to support their right to prohibit people from joining- but I would not like it.
As it stands, I am thrilled to be a part of an organization that is is courageous enough to stand up for everyone and welcome all girls.
And yes- I will be buying a ton of cookies this year. It is a darn good thing they freeze well.
What to say!
I feel like I should be brimming with post inspiration but I am not.
Maybe things just got the better of me. Maybe in all of the stress- things got lost.
Good news- no baby yet.
Yay!
Bad news- pre-term labor is stressful.
I spent the past few days up on a labor and delivery floor of a hospital- apparently coming precariously close to delivering (I did not know this).
Granted- full term is a dream in my world. 35 weeks is a dream in my world.
I guess, the OBs, MFMs, and nurses all thought that I was very close to delivering a very premature baby boy the past few days. This is not something they shared with me. As far as I knew it was run of the mill- early contractions- that needed to be monitored stopped so they did not turn into something more serious. After chatting with one of the nurses- I learned how concerned they were.
Upon learning this, I was kind of pissed- not kind of pissed- really pissed. I should have known! Someone should have told me! Why was I not told? Shouldn't me- the mother be informed of this? I mean if I am about to delivery a very premature baby- I need to prepare, at minimum emotionally, and arrange child care- among other things.
One of my major frustrations is that every time a different doctor came in they had a different plan or opinion. For me, a planner, this is a problem, what was more- was most of the plans were based on opinion and experience not necessarily hard and fast evidence or able to be supported with sound reasoning- which is a huge giant super enormous issue for me.
Added to this unbelievable stress is that my family is owed in excess of $6,000- which would really really come in handy right about now. We are stretched so thin- and yes- I should be- and am thankful for the blessings I have been given- the added stress of being genuinely scared about paying the mortgage is not helping matters.
Maybe things just got the better of me. Maybe in all of the stress- things got lost.
Good news- no baby yet.
Yay!
Bad news- pre-term labor is stressful.
I spent the past few days up on a labor and delivery floor of a hospital- apparently coming precariously close to delivering (I did not know this).
Granted- full term is a dream in my world. 35 weeks is a dream in my world.
I guess, the OBs, MFMs, and nurses all thought that I was very close to delivering a very premature baby boy the past few days. This is not something they shared with me. As far as I knew it was run of the mill- early contractions- that needed to be monitored stopped so they did not turn into something more serious. After chatting with one of the nurses- I learned how concerned they were.
Upon learning this, I was kind of pissed- not kind of pissed- really pissed. I should have known! Someone should have told me! Why was I not told? Shouldn't me- the mother be informed of this? I mean if I am about to delivery a very premature baby- I need to prepare, at minimum emotionally, and arrange child care- among other things.
One of my major frustrations is that every time a different doctor came in they had a different plan or opinion. For me, a planner, this is a problem, what was more- was most of the plans were based on opinion and experience not necessarily hard and fast evidence or able to be supported with sound reasoning- which is a huge giant super enormous issue for me.
Added to this unbelievable stress is that my family is owed in excess of $6,000- which would really really come in handy right about now. We are stretched so thin- and yes- I should be- and am thankful for the blessings I have been given- the added stress of being genuinely scared about paying the mortgage is not helping matters.
Pre term= no fun
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Greetings! I am coming to you today live from room 2513 of Labor and Delivery of Central DuPage Hospital.
Baby boy thought for a few minutes that it would be fun to be born. He, thankfully, changed his mind and is now just testing my patience.
Apparently, I gave the L/D floor a run for their money. Contracting every 2 minutes, shortening cervix, softening, dilating cervix....
Seriously, I did not have the "Oh, I am having a baby today" feeling like I have gotten every other time. Just something different about the days on which I delivered. I didn't have that then. So honestly, I never got nervous. I never had the "OH CRAP! I am scared" feeling.
Baby boy thought for a few minutes that it would be fun to be born. He, thankfully, changed his mind and is now just testing my patience.
Apparently, I gave the L/D floor a run for their money. Contracting every 2 minutes, shortening cervix, softening, dilating cervix....
Seriously, I did not have the "Oh, I am having a baby today" feeling like I have gotten every other time. Just something different about the days on which I delivered. I didn't have that then. So honestly, I never got nervous. I never had the "OH CRAP! I am scared" feeling.
Pregnancy Insanity
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Pregnancy has to be defensible cause for insanity. Really.
The hormones, the fatigue, the fact that I have another person sharing my body (and it is not multiple personality disorder). It is of little wonder that pregnant women are a little 'off'.
Yesterday, I decided I wanted to wear a specific pair of pants. Only those pants would do. Of course, I couldn't find them. So I proceeded to power through the mountain of laundry that was taking over the basement- under the assumption that they would be in there. They weren't.
I was getting nervous. Upset. Distressed. Where were my pants? I needed my pants, darn it!
Yes, I looked in my dresser. They were not there. I looked in my closet- no luck. By then, I was was really annoyed. I glowered. I fussed. I snapped at the kids, the dogs, the cats. I seriously considered buying another pair of pants because I was absolutely sure that there was no way I could make it through the remainder of my pregnancy without them.
My pants were still missing.
I found them today- in my dresser- of course.
The hormones, the fatigue, the fact that I have another person sharing my body (and it is not multiple personality disorder). It is of little wonder that pregnant women are a little 'off'.
Yesterday, I decided I wanted to wear a specific pair of pants. Only those pants would do. Of course, I couldn't find them. So I proceeded to power through the mountain of laundry that was taking over the basement- under the assumption that they would be in there. They weren't.
I was getting nervous. Upset. Distressed. Where were my pants? I needed my pants, darn it!
Yes, I looked in my dresser. They were not there. I looked in my closet- no luck. By then, I was was really annoyed. I glowered. I fussed. I snapped at the kids, the dogs, the cats. I seriously considered buying another pair of pants because I was absolutely sure that there was no way I could make it through the remainder of my pregnancy without them.
My pants were still missing.
I found them today- in my dresser- of course.
When the days drag-
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
I know a fair amount of pregnant women. They seem to always say that "this pregnancy is flying by!"
I think the are insane. The first five and a half months are a haze of nausea- where each moment seemed to last a week. Now I am in the fires of heartburn. I feel like I have the gestation time of an elephant.
My pregnancy is not flying by the days, weeks, and months seem to be dragging so slowly, that time is almost moving backwards.
I am not really experiencing anxiety about this birth, it is not the my first time down this road. I am preparing with relaxation cds, with a doula, with a birth plan that can double as a book, but I am impatient.
How do you deal with the impatience when you know there are at least 11 weeks left? 11 weeks may as well be 11 years from where I sit.
It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that this is the last time I will be pregnant. This is the last time I will feel another person inside me. This is the last chance that I will have to grow a person. Of course, when I think about it like that, a profound sense of guilt washes over me, like how can I take this for granted? How can I not be soaking up every last kick and wriggle?
Maybe, I should set aside time every day to do nothing but focus on my son. Nothing but focus on feeling him and enjoy it.
I think the are insane. The first five and a half months are a haze of nausea- where each moment seemed to last a week. Now I am in the fires of heartburn. I feel like I have the gestation time of an elephant.
My pregnancy is not flying by the days, weeks, and months seem to be dragging so slowly, that time is almost moving backwards.
I am not really experiencing anxiety about this birth, it is not the my first time down this road. I am preparing with relaxation cds, with a doula, with a birth plan that can double as a book, but I am impatient.
How do you deal with the impatience when you know there are at least 11 weeks left? 11 weeks may as well be 11 years from where I sit.
It is hard to wrap my mind around the fact that this is the last time I will be pregnant. This is the last time I will feel another person inside me. This is the last chance that I will have to grow a person. Of course, when I think about it like that, a profound sense of guilt washes over me, like how can I take this for granted? How can I not be soaking up every last kick and wriggle?
Maybe, I should set aside time every day to do nothing but focus on my son. Nothing but focus on feeling him and enjoy it.
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