Mothers day

I do not hold out a lot of hope for holidays or birthdays.. especially Mother's Day (see the Happy Dead Mouse Day post for reference).

This year was again special..in that way that means it is a damn good thing I have a sense of humor.

As I was visiting the bathroom, you know like most people do first thing in the morning, my children- 4 of them the ones who can walk....picked the bathroom lock and burst in. Full of delight and joy, anxious to wish me a "Happy Mother's Day".  I am really thrilled they are so excited to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, but I like to pee in private. 

But that is just what motherhood is isn't it? Motherhood is witnessing the happiness on your kids faces when they feed the ducks or when they are so excited to give you a bouquet of dandelions.  All of that makes it so special.

The rest of the day was a typical day- with lots of spontaneous "Happy Mother's Day" hugs thrown in. 
I could not be the mom I am with out the kids and family I have.  They have given me more and taught me more than I could ever possible hope for.

Here is a picture of a funny card I got:

When the going gets tough

It is tough.

Generally, I try and find the humor in life.  They chaos that happens in my life is humorous- it has to be- or I would go crazy.  Sometimes though it gets to be too much.  The load becomes heavy.  The kids antics frustrating. My own issues.  My own heart.  My own stuff becomes to heavy to bear to carry on with let alone to laugh at.

The ache. The empty. The exhaustion. What is it? Why can't I remember to be thankful for what I have? Why can I not see all of the good things in my life and focus on that. 

Some wise person once told me that you need to have the bad times.  The sad times- to be able to appreciate the good times the happy ones. 

For heavens sake though- I really would appreciate a clean kitchen

Sometimes you just have to laugh

It was one for the record books- and not in a "we had a great time way"

I get a lot of people asking how I do it with so many kids... well I just do... really what else can you do?

Really though- I laugh. A lot. Maybe that makes me insane but- in reality- the crap that is bad- is not really that bad.  I should be and am focusing on being thankful that I have such amazing kids who can drive me batshit crazy.  I really would not have it any other way- maybe a little more sleep though.

To point- after a long day (a character builder) I was driving Pixie to the ER talking with my mom, and I realized I forgot my purse and wallet. I burst out laughing.  And that is when it hit me.  I was letting myself get so stressed out and so upset over things that in the grande scheme of things are not that big of a deal.  So I laughed (and sounded crazy).  Then laughed some more.  What else can I do? Surrender to G-d and let it happen. 
 
One good part of the day was making it in and out of the ER in under an hour- and not because I signed out against medical advice.

In the end the little potty was found (in a cabinet) and empty (thank heavens) I can shampoo the carpet to get the stuff out of it. The ER staff was able to get the thing out of Pixie's nose.  Everything will be okay (great even if my headache will go away).

past to present

I guess this post is not a surprise..or maybe it is. It is something that I tried to put together in my head on the way to the grocer today- and even then I knew I had something to say but how to say it escaped me so I will work on the theory of conscious streaming - thanks Camus.

Do I live in the past? maybe. If we believe that we are created and shaped by what we have been through, what we have over come, where our ancestors have been..... maybe this makes some sense, but maybe not.

Maybe I am so interested in where I come from (ancestry-wise) because I have no idea who I am now. I have been good at reading people and being who they wanted me to be- so I would be accepted or approved of- thus in the process who I am got lost. Or perhaps never got a chance to develop.

It led me into some interesting situations. A lot of them I carry around with me dwelling on them, wondering, over analyzing. Trying to figure it all out. I wish so frequently I could just tell my brain to turn off and take a break.

A lot of my life I don't remember. I remember some things that are immensely painful and traumatic.

I remember the first time my ex hit me with my riding crop- arguing about where the dogs leash began. I told no one. Or when he ran over my foot when I was on my way to work on purpose because I got out of the car when he was hitting me. It took more than that for it to end though.

Here is the thing. It never got better. That stuff happened when we were dating. After marriage it was worse. I was embarrassed. Afraid no one would believe me. Afraid that maybe I did deserve it.

But because I have made it through that and worse. I know I am strong. I know I can handle a lot.

For now though I will continue researching trying to find out where I came from to yield clues as to who I am, and maybe I will be able to figure it all out. Maybe I can get my brain to quiet. Maybe I can figure out my identity. Maybe I can finally fit in

Peace and Faith

I have talked before about my strained relationship with G-d.

There are a lot of things I just didn't understand and taking part in services was resented and not joyful.  For a long time I just kind of assumed this was how it was supposed to be- that this was how we paid our dues to G-d for the privilege of existence.

Then fate (or G-d) intervened with the birth of LittleDude I learned some fascinating things about my family history- things that I never had any idea of- things that make parts of life make so much more sense.  It is like a puzzle that is being put together piece by piece, and with every piece the picture becomes clearer.

I also met an individual- a Rabbi- who was able to give amazing insight into the beauty of religion and faith.  Learning has always been a passion of mine- and learning to see G-d in everything, expressed in everything is joyful.

Religion/faith does not have to be something to be born- it can be something- that is to be celebrated- faith is a gift.  Learning about my faith.  My relationship with G-d is not something to be resented- if I learn to look at things through the right lens.

LittleDude

Is not so little anymore.

We were at the doctor (again) for him on Monday and he is now 7lbs 2oz.  Which for those keeping track is considerably up from his birth weight of 4 lbs. 10oz

He has also grown to an astounding length of 20 inches.

Considering LittleDude was supposed to be born 2 weeks ago he would have been a normal (slightly small) newborn.

Either way he is very healthy and a sweet boy.  He loves his cuddles and snuggles.  What a gift.

Happy May Day!

This month Princess turns 8.  I can't believe it 8! That is like a really big kid!

Its truly a pity she does not have any teeth (seriously- she has like 5 missing and another one wiggly). 

She is a really great kid though.  She is caring, she is compassionate, she has a silly sense of humor, she is sensitive. She is just all around pretty darn great.  I think I'll keep her- because I am pretty sure the return period has passed.