Just Joy

Little Dude is an extremely happy boy (except of course when he is unhappy, the look out world).

Today I was just thinking about how genuinely joyful he is and how much I have learned from his contagious joy.

A few weeks ago we went to an indoor water park and I have never seen anyone so excited.  His whole body literally trembled with glee.  When I would get ready to put him down his little legs were already running.  When he smiles his whole body smiles.  Like pure happiness just exudes from him.  He claps, jumps, and squeals as happiness just cannot be contained in his body anymore.

Even everyday things he finds so much to be happy about, playing with his cars, building a tower and knocking it over.. nothing is to mundane.  Whenever music is on he is dancing.  He has quite a set of moves!  His imagination is limitless he puts on capes and flies around the house with lightening speed.  LittleDude does not really walk places.  He runs. And jumps.  If there is a puddle he must jump in it.  If there is a something that looks intriguing it must be explored. Balls are thrown, furniture (and everything climbed) the world is an adventure.  I wonder what goes through his head. 

LittleDude will grab my hand and pull me to something he wants to show me.  He will run and jump into my arms with total faith that I will catch him.  Then throw his body onto me in a hug that can melt anyone, squeezing with his arms around me.  These greetings do not happen after I have been away for days, hours, or even minutes.  It could be he was just happy to see me in the living room.
When I sit down on the floor he often runs and grabs a story and then backs into my lap (really the backing into my lap to sit is the most adorable thing ever) and we read. 

When he wants to breastfeed (yes, at nearly 2 years old he nurses), he'll grab my hand and lead me to our spot for some cuddles and milk.  He'll hug me and play with my hair, gazing into my eyes while we just can soak up the moment. Until he decides to be silly and playfully bite or pull my hair (all in good fun).

Outside is always fun.  When the big kids start suiting up to go play in the snow he follows suit.  He knows his snow pants and how to put them on, he waits patiently for his boots (which he finds and brings over), coat, and mittens.  But he puts his hat on himself.  That is one way he tells you he is ready to go outside: he goes to the door and puts on his hat.

LittleDude loves animals.  You may think with so many of them being so much larger than he is he may be scared, but he isn't he loves the dogs and gives them treats and pets.  They return his adoration.  The cats tolerate him. Going to see the horses is super fun.  He loves to brush them, give them treats, and ride.  The horses also are so gentle with  him  it is shocking. When they gently take a carrot from him and he squeals with excitement, often he is met with a nicker of affection.

At night he sleeps with me.  We go to bed and he snuggles in for some milky, and adjusts a bit to get comfortable.  Usually he'll end up half on top of my chest with his ear on my heart and his fingers in my hair. I can smell his unique scent and drink the time in.  I complain a lot about this sometimes, but truth of it is, I love the closeness with him.  I love watching him smile in his sleep, his eyes dance with dreams.  I love being there if he wakes up scared so I can comfort him. 

All of this joy and happiness have taught me to see the miracles in the small things.  Feel the joy in the smallest things.  Allowing myself to get super excited and not feel embarrassed about it.  To take more time to experience life instead of racing through it.

15 years.

Today is 15 years since I went to Utah.  It is always a rough day for me.  Lots of anxiety.  Lots of racing thoughts, yet feeling paralyzed to do anything other than exist. 

Yes. 15 years is a long time.  I have learned with the help of my doctors, that what happened, while ultimately leading me to get better, was very traumatic.

The night going into the 13th, I have nightmares and can't sleep well.  The day of, doing anything of importance is not possible. 

Sending me to Utah had to be one of the hardest decisions of my parents lives, and I am grateful that they did. Without it I don't know where I'd be.  I don't know that I would be strong enough to do that.  But I can't imagine watching my child destroy themselves and being totally helpless to stop it. 

I'll never forget that night. Remembering it is like looking back in slow motion. I can remember the snow on the ground. My brother had taken the dog for a walk- he didn't want to be there for that. My school work on the floor. My book.  A note my mom wrote me.  I refused to say goodbye to my parents- I was angry. So angry. So hurt. So scared. I had no idea what to expect how to navigate this.

15 years may have passed but thinking about that time I am right back there. Scared, overwhelmed, (a little angry), hurt, terrified, other feelings that I can't even name now.

15 years.  It seems like it was yesterday.

Utah was hard for a lot of reasons.  But I learned so much there, more than about how to function as a person, I learned how much I love the mountains.  How beautiful they are.  You know how some people feel totally relaxed at the beach, I feel that way about the mountains. I love rock climbing and being out in them feeling the air and wind.  I don't think I would have had the chance to learn that without Utah.

This is awkward..

Ever since the DCFS kerfuffle this summer, its been really weird in our neighborhood.

Our neighbors who we used to be friends with have not spoken to us since the drama- well the woman at least.  The man and I have spoken cordially a few times but nothing more.  I have tried to speak to the woman and be nice to her but she brushes me off- politely.

Here's the problem.  The other day- my kids were out in the snow playing and we had a gaggle of kids over playing with my kids.  Neighbor kid came out and my kids started to play with her.  My husband- still salty over the incident told our kids that they could not go in neighbor kids yard-- but she was welcome to come over to our yard. The kid just sat in her yard and played alone. It was beyond awkward.

I am dreading summer.  We used to play outside and there was no weirdness- now I am really concerned about the potential weirdness.

How to throw a real temper tantrum

Little Dude is now approaching his 2nd birthday.  Its going to fast for my liking.  Anyhow. He has learned about the all important temper tantrum- he has had the best teacher to learn from and has developed a pretty good skill set for throwing them.

Here are some essentials that he has learned:

- its not a real tantrum if you are not on the floor kicking.
- go to an area of the floor free from debris before throwing yourself to the ground- look where you are going to land.
- follow Mama from room to room if necessary- it doesn't count as a tantrum if no one is there to see it.
- 'NO' is the best word ever.  It can yelled, shrieked, or wailed.
- Practice makes perfect- aim for at least three tantrums a day. 

Please stop saying "I Can't"

I am not a closet pole dancer.  I am very open about it.  When I tell some one new what I do, quite often he or she will say, "I can't (or couldn't) do that" to be followed up with one of the following: I am not sexy, I am not coordinated, I am not strong enough, I am not flexible, I am not that kind of person, I am not etc....

Here's the deal: ANYONE can pole dance.  It doesn't have to be sexy.  You don't have to be strong (that is why you pole dance- to get stronger).  You don't have to be flexible (if you choose to work on it- this will change). You don't have to have incredible confidence, pole dancing can help with that (I swear).

Pole dancing can be whatever you want it to be sexy or athletic, full of tricks or not.  Its about YOU. No one else.  When I have done a routine with my classes- even though we are doing the same tricks in the same order to the same music each woman looks totally unique. That is awesome. No one else can dance like you- because no one else is you.

Stop saying "I can't".  You can.  If you don't want to or tried it and didn't like it-- that's fine.  But you can pole dance- everyone can.

I'll never be thin

Since I was in preschool I have thought I was fat.  I looked in the mirror at my ballet class and saw my stomach not be the right shape.  I cried and felt awful when my ballet teacher said I wasn't built for it (I resolved to change my body and work hard-- I was 8).

As time went on I became more displeased with my body.  I was angry with it, embarrassed by it, and disgusted by it.  So quite naturally I developed an eating disorder.

Now that I am in my 30s I still long to be thin-  but now I realize that I will not have a slender body.  I have a muscular body.  I build muscle quickly, and I am finally learning to appreciate this.  As a pole dancer, my strength and ability to build muscle come in extremely handy here.

Sometimes I find it hard to appreciate my body for what it is able to do-- but I need to keep reminding myself of what I can do, not what I can't.

Learn from your mistakes.

When I was a kid and I would mess up I would get yelled at for it, and feel so awful.  I was ashamed, embarrassed, sad--- all sorts of things.  To the point that when I made a mistake I would hide it so no one would be mad at me. 

I was responsible for something, and while it was my responsibility, I lost it. I was terrified of 'fessing up to what I did.  What if the other person was livid? What do I do?

After texting a friend and losing my shit, I called and explained what happened.  The individual- was kind and understanding. I was shocked. I was so used to the blow up, shame, begging for forgiveness.

I would rather have my kids learn this way than feeling afraid to tell me something.  If I was not afraid to tell people things, I could save myself a lot of trouble.