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How long is normal to grieve for a dog? I have grieved for Ali longer than I have for most people. I still miss her every day. I miss her delicate nature and amazing coloring. She was a beautiful girl. She loved the kids- they were her babies. She comforted them she played with them she loved them. Everyday I think about her and her springy tail. Maybe I am transferring grief from one loss to the next??
When Aurora came into out lives I did not expect to replace Ali because no one could ever replace her. Aurora is a totally different dog. Much more vocal- just as smart- not nearly so dainty and delicate. But I find myself missing her. Thinking how would Ali react. She was an amazing dog who gave us some great memories. Sledding at my parents is one of the best. Looking into her blue eyes- she had spirit and spunk and was an amazing dog.
Aurora you are a puppy- we love you. Our hearts have grown to love you include you- you are now a part of our family. Thank you for helping us to heal. Thank you for being a puppy with personality all your own. Thank you. We love you
in years past
Saturday, February 27, 2010
when a ship flew a yellow flag it was to signal quarantine. Maybe I should invest in a plain yellow flag for our home.
It starts with one. I naively think that maybe it is a fluke- maybe only one will be sick- wishful thinking. Stinky made a pretty rapid recovery though; he was not himself for the rest of the day but- what can you expect? So far the other kids were holding up well.
My mother arrived early the next morning- and we had to decide what to do. Stinky was still out of sorts- he did not want to do anything. Which could be him being three and a half or it could have been remnants from his virus. Sledding won out- despite his protests after he went down the hill a few times with me he seemed fine.
At lunch I noticed that the kids really did not eat which was strange- normally they devour anything put in front of them. Once home they played with Grammy- the whining was a foreshadowing of the illness to come and it did come.
Dinner no one ate and the kids were starting to drop quite literally like flies. They were dozing on the floor being 'blah'.
A bit after bedtime Princess woke crying. She does not usually wake crying. Once on the stairs on the way to her room it was obvious what she was upset about- the smell- good heavens. If you have ever been around kids with the stomach flu- you know the smell. It gets in your nose and clings there- it clings to your hair, your clothes and it makes you want join the kids in the bathroom. Unfortunately- Princess did not make it to the bathroom a sheet change and shower later- she was back to bed with a puke bowl.
Next Peas woke whining. You cannot explain to a 2 year old to aim in the toilet or grab the bowl. She just was sick. A lot. Another sheet change, pj, change, and bath later- I pretty much gave up on sleep for the night on top of that my stomach was not feeling so calm.
Thank Heavens my mother was there. Thank heavens I was not alone. I needed all of the extra hands I could get.
Peas came into bed with me again- and again puked. Another sheet change, another bath, more new jammies. Back to bed. I prayed for no more issues- I was nearly out of sheets- silly me thought I was getting a leg up on the mountain of laundry.
In the morning Princess had recovered substantially and Peas was acting pretty good. She ate some. Bad idea. The blankets on the couch needed to get washed too then. Since then everyone has been recovering- slowly testing their stomachs. With moderate success. I should know better that it is just one- it is rarely just one. Kids may not share toys but germs are much easier to be generous with.
So where do they sell these flags??
It starts with one. I naively think that maybe it is a fluke- maybe only one will be sick- wishful thinking. Stinky made a pretty rapid recovery though; he was not himself for the rest of the day but- what can you expect? So far the other kids were holding up well.
My mother arrived early the next morning- and we had to decide what to do. Stinky was still out of sorts- he did not want to do anything. Which could be him being three and a half or it could have been remnants from his virus. Sledding won out- despite his protests after he went down the hill a few times with me he seemed fine.
At lunch I noticed that the kids really did not eat which was strange- normally they devour anything put in front of them. Once home they played with Grammy- the whining was a foreshadowing of the illness to come and it did come.
Dinner no one ate and the kids were starting to drop quite literally like flies. They were dozing on the floor being 'blah'.
A bit after bedtime Princess woke crying. She does not usually wake crying. Once on the stairs on the way to her room it was obvious what she was upset about- the smell- good heavens. If you have ever been around kids with the stomach flu- you know the smell. It gets in your nose and clings there- it clings to your hair, your clothes and it makes you want join the kids in the bathroom. Unfortunately- Princess did not make it to the bathroom a sheet change and shower later- she was back to bed with a puke bowl.
Next Peas woke whining. You cannot explain to a 2 year old to aim in the toilet or grab the bowl. She just was sick. A lot. Another sheet change, pj, change, and bath later- I pretty much gave up on sleep for the night on top of that my stomach was not feeling so calm.
Thank Heavens my mother was there. Thank heavens I was not alone. I needed all of the extra hands I could get.
Peas came into bed with me again- and again puked. Another sheet change, another bath, more new jammies. Back to bed. I prayed for no more issues- I was nearly out of sheets- silly me thought I was getting a leg up on the mountain of laundry.
In the morning Princess had recovered substantially and Peas was acting pretty good. She ate some. Bad idea. The blankets on the couch needed to get washed too then. Since then everyone has been recovering- slowly testing their stomachs. With moderate success. I should know better that it is just one- it is rarely just one. Kids may not share toys but germs are much easier to be generous with.
So where do they sell these flags??
What happened to art??
Friday, February 26, 2010
Princess...oh my princess....you have always had a way of expressing yourself in ways I could not imagine.
The other I asked her what she liked learning about. We had been discussing money and coins (where can I take her to show her different countries currencies?), we had discussed Lincoln, penguins whatever was interesting at them time. Her answer is quintessentially princess: "I love learning about the presidents of our great nation"
I darn near spit out my drink. I was expecting her to say doing art projects or going to the library... something else...just not THAT.
These moments remind me how fantastic my kids are- despite the crazy times, despite, the times I want to hide from them, it comes back to this. It comes back to my big girl can with a simple sentence jog me from my gloomy mood and make me laugh.
Another wonderfully Princess moment was on my bad day I had to pick her up from her activity and she bounded up to me, huge grin on her face, and asked: "did your bad day get better mama??" her compassion and empathy make me so proud to be her mother. She is a pretty cool girl.
Pole Journey
Thursday, February 25, 2010
So Tuesday was my pole night again. They highlight of my week- I looked forward to it all week with anxious anticipation. I was again nervous being that we had a substitute...
I was not disappointed.
For the purpose of this post I am going to focus on something that happened to me or in me during the meditations/stretching portion.
I was laying on the mat, looking at the lights on the ceiling, the flickering light of the candles. The instructor told us to breath deeply, to recall a time when we felt, feminine, sexy, powerful, brilliant, strong, and beautiful- like we could do anything. I searched my memory and could think of nothing that fit all of the requirements- that made me sad. It began to sink in that this class would be FAR more than an exercise class- a fitness class- that this class would be much more of a fitness class for my spirit. That emotional self is in more need of fitness class than my physical self.
We began to move- I was awkward, jerky, unsettled- my heart was empty my spirit was tired.
All of this I preceded my melt down. I think the two are inexorably linked. So true to form things are darkest before the dawn.
I was not disappointed.
For the purpose of this post I am going to focus on something that happened to me or in me during the meditations/stretching portion.
I was laying on the mat, looking at the lights on the ceiling, the flickering light of the candles. The instructor told us to breath deeply, to recall a time when we felt, feminine, sexy, powerful, brilliant, strong, and beautiful- like we could do anything. I searched my memory and could think of nothing that fit all of the requirements- that made me sad. It began to sink in that this class would be FAR more than an exercise class- a fitness class- that this class would be much more of a fitness class for my spirit. That emotional self is in more need of fitness class than my physical self.
We began to move- I was awkward, jerky, unsettled- my heart was empty my spirit was tired.
All of this I preceded my melt down. I think the two are inexorably linked. So true to form things are darkest before the dawn.
this is a hard post to write
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I am struggling. White knuckling it.
I feel so alone. So trapped. So isolated. I feel like I have a 'treat me like a maid' sign slung around me.
It has been rough here today. I cannot even begin to explain how frustrated I am at the moment. Peas following clinging, screeching, crying begging to nurse, Stinky talking back and the whining- goodness the whining- Princess telling me EVERYTHING and all of it being SOOOOO DRAMATIC and tragic. Pixie just needing to be loved as any baby does- but Peas having a fit if I pick up Pixie. I do not know how to work with her- to parent her- she is such a bundle of love that does not listen. She climbs EVERYTHING. I do not want to damage any of their spirits I love them all sooo much- and I am afraid by being mean I will. Then the typical kid stuff- 'she is looking at me- he poked me-'. It is emotionally exhausting; added to that the dogs; Charlie may need to be re-homed I cannot keep cleaning up after him. He piddles a little on things usually the same things but I am tired of cleaning it up.
Today I am at my end. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know. I am scared I can't. I need some help to keep it going- but I am tired. Physically emotionally I cannot give anymore- I want to scream to cry to run away. for it all to just stop. Doing everything is too much. I feel like I am going to break. I need some space some real space more than an hour here or there. I need to be nurtured and loved. There is no one I can go to and drop my crap on there lap and say 'you hold this for a little- I am tired' Part of that is my fault. I am not good at being vulnerable so I hold it together and hold it together some more and keep trying to look like I am doing okay when I am about to fall apart.
Today some cracks in the veneer appeared and my frustration leaked out- on to my children. I yelled more than I wanted to or should. I said mean things- I threatened to throw toys away- I was unkind. I was not the kind of mother I want to be. I how can I be my childrens' safe place if I am mean? i am so sorry I was unkind. I don't know how to fix it with them or fix it with me so I am not carrying around an enormous load of stuff.
So today I need help. I need support. I need to feel safe. I need a hug or a prayer- or just a thought that I am not in this alone.
I feel so alone. So trapped. So isolated. I feel like I have a 'treat me like a maid' sign slung around me.
It has been rough here today. I cannot even begin to explain how frustrated I am at the moment. Peas following clinging, screeching, crying begging to nurse, Stinky talking back and the whining- goodness the whining- Princess telling me EVERYTHING and all of it being SOOOOO DRAMATIC and tragic. Pixie just needing to be loved as any baby does- but Peas having a fit if I pick up Pixie. I do not know how to work with her- to parent her- she is such a bundle of love that does not listen. She climbs EVERYTHING. I do not want to damage any of their spirits I love them all sooo much- and I am afraid by being mean I will. Then the typical kid stuff- 'she is looking at me- he poked me-'. It is emotionally exhausting; added to that the dogs; Charlie may need to be re-homed I cannot keep cleaning up after him. He piddles a little on things usually the same things but I am tired of cleaning it up.
Today I am at my end. I don't know if I can do this. I don't know. I am scared I can't. I need some help to keep it going- but I am tired. Physically emotionally I cannot give anymore- I want to scream to cry to run away. for it all to just stop. Doing everything is too much. I feel like I am going to break. I need some space some real space more than an hour here or there. I need to be nurtured and loved. There is no one I can go to and drop my crap on there lap and say 'you hold this for a little- I am tired' Part of that is my fault. I am not good at being vulnerable so I hold it together and hold it together some more and keep trying to look like I am doing okay when I am about to fall apart.
Today some cracks in the veneer appeared and my frustration leaked out- on to my children. I yelled more than I wanted to or should. I said mean things- I threatened to throw toys away- I was unkind. I was not the kind of mother I want to be. I how can I be my childrens' safe place if I am mean? i am so sorry I was unkind. I don't know how to fix it with them or fix it with me so I am not carrying around an enormous load of stuff.
So today I need help. I need support. I need to feel safe. I need a hug or a prayer- or just a thought that I am not in this alone.
Adorable.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
I signed Stinky up for preschool 2 afternoons a week. To give me a break from his three year old intensity and to let him play with other boys his age. He loves it. Looks forward to it.
So this morning the kids had me going from the start of the day- like before sunrise- typical. Thankfully the morning passed quickly and soon it was time to send him off to his school.
I always seem to think they are cuter, nicer, etc when I am dropping them off or leaving for a bit. I think it is biologically based to assure the species that we return to care for our young (if it is not let me keep believing it, please and thank you).
Today, I felt a little guilty, I was super annoyed and tired before- why does dropping him off at school tug at my heart? I know he is safe there and having a grand time.
He was so happy to see me when I went to pick him up. Sitting with his friends he jumped up and announced, "there is my mama!" I was so happy. Maybe we just need a little bit of a break from each other to refresh us and be ready for more.
So this morning the kids had me going from the start of the day- like before sunrise- typical. Thankfully the morning passed quickly and soon it was time to send him off to his school.
I always seem to think they are cuter, nicer, etc when I am dropping them off or leaving for a bit. I think it is biologically based to assure the species that we return to care for our young (if it is not let me keep believing it, please and thank you).
Today, I felt a little guilty, I was super annoyed and tired before- why does dropping him off at school tug at my heart? I know he is safe there and having a grand time.
He was so happy to see me when I went to pick him up. Sitting with his friends he jumped up and announced, "there is my mama!" I was so happy. Maybe we just need a little bit of a break from each other to refresh us and be ready for more.
giveaway ideas
I had such a great time doing the last giveaway... now I cannot decide what I should giveaway next any ideas that are about $30?? ideas?? let me know what you would like!
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