Its just not right

Today was the funeral for my friends lovely baby.

There is nothing that I can say about it, so poignant. So loving. This baby is ever so loved and cherished here or in heaven.

I wept when her father carried her in. Wept during Ave Maria. No mother or father should have to endure that.

Please know that what I am going to say here are representative of my opinions and my experience only.

The mass was comforting. I found comfort in the familiar traditions. These traditions guided my behavior when there is no right thing to say no right thing to do. They just are what you do instead of staying stunned crippled. The traditions, the motions, the prayers, the hymns gave a direction me.

To my dear friend, you are the first person I met in the group. You welcomed me, you comforted me after my loss, you have taught me so so much. Let my prayers and my thoughts, and the thoughts and prayers of all of your friends and family lift you up and comfort you now.

Sad.

Sad is such a small word for such a big feeling. I am sad that I ran out of Diet Coke and I am sad that my friend's baby died are not even in the same category.

Sad. Sad. Sad. Devastated. Profoundly devastated, even that just is not enough. Those are not enough to express the ache, the empty, the shell.

For such a small peanut she was so strong and so feisty. She was beautiful. Delicate, feminine but so so strong.

She is loved, she is missed, she is cherished.

This little baby touched so so many lives.

Her family, her parents, her siblings.. my heart breaks for you. There is nothing that anyone can do or say to help you heal- but I will hold you in my prayers and in my heart. I will thank G-d for giving you your time with your little one- just wishing it was longer.

its a bird! Its a plane!

no it is not superman--- it is a Suburban!!

GM was kind enough to loan me a Suburban to try for a bit.

When it arrived I was stunned at the size. I mean wow. I do not like big cars, I had a really hard time adjusting to my minivan even and this is even bigger- I was not sure I could handle it.

Added to that, for a long time I have had some kind of a stigma against GM and Chevy. I have no idea why but I had them labeled as crappy cars in my head... The Suburban is anything but. The Suburban is a-freaking-mazing.

It took me around the block to get comfortable with it. But driving it was so much easier than I had expected. The streets are pretty bumpy here in suburbia but the Suburban made the ride unbelievably smooth- like I could have totally handled the ride with kidney stones or in labor.

The Suburban that GM has loaned me has every single option in it that could be imagined, and then some. Again, I expected hell. Technology and I do not get along. Working the remote that says "watch TV" on it sometimes does not work for me. A car with more buttons than my laptop? Clearly, there will be issues. I just want the darn thing to drive.

But, oh, how wrong I was. I have never had a quieter drive (albeit all of 5 miles) than when I put a DVD in the player- and I did not have to curse at the thing once- it just worked!
The wireless headsets allowed me to not have to listen to the kid movie noise, nor did I have to untangle them to get them out of the car (even better).

Since the weather here changes its mind more than me when I am PMS-ing, I really appreciate the heated and cooled seats. I did not even know you could have cooled seats, but imagine not getting stuck to the seat when you get out of the car in the summer? That is a miracle.

Also in the things I never knew I needed category is the ipod usb thingy- super super cool. I love that- I can take my music with me! The stereo sound system- it is better than my tv at home.. it is just awesome

Something that I knew I would like but have resisted is the Navigation System- maybe the idea of the car being smarter than me scares me- maybe I just do not want to admit I am lost, but it is there, and I love it.


It is a lot easier to drive than I thought it would be- though I still parked it at the far back of the parking lot. All in all- it is a great car and has way more sex appeal than my minivan-- speaking of that-- there is a lot of room inside and the seats fold down super easy.

There are like, 20 more things I'd love to mention about how great this car is, but I think I have found my next car.

Shoot! I forgot the back up camera. I live in a neighborhood full of kids. Currently when I leave I have to ask the kids to get on the grass where I can see them but still back out stiff with fear that someone is going to yell that I have rolled over someone- this takes a lot of that anxiety away- totally love this.

Get this part on tape: I was wrong. GM/Chevy cars (the Suburban specifically) are great. They have fantastic quality and generally just freakin' aweomeness in a car.

Princess loves this car almost more than I do. She loves that Stinky can't reach her to harass her across the back of the seat. She also loves the cargo space ("think of all of the shopping", I am so in for it- she is only 6!) Of course she loves the DVD player- as all of the kids do.

Stinky loves the entire car, if you ask him he just says he can't pick what he likes best- I think though that he likes that he can buckle himself in easier.

Peas is stuck on the DVD player as is Princess- but what is not to like about that??


The kids have their own things they love about it- but I'll save that for a different post.


So I will cry a little when I have to give it back.

Childhood dreams

When I was a kid I wanted to be a lot of things. A ballerina, equestrian, astronaut it seemed to change as often as the weather did (and in Chicago, that is saying something).

One of my first aspirations, that I can recall was to be a nun. Yes, a nun. This coming on the heels of a watching a "Sound of Music" a few too many times. Clearly, being a nun would not give me Julie Andrew's singing voice or her incredible wedding dress, but still I wanted to make a habit of the habit.

Although my life has gone a vastly different direction, I still kind of, in some secret part of my soul, wish I had become a nun. For some reason, most of the nun's I know are some of the best people in the whole world. Sister Sharon, is so kind and so patient, Sister Julie is just indescribably amazing....etc.

But going around and saying "I want to be a nun" is not exactly a choice that is considered reasonable these days. Heck, I do not even know where one would begin to enter a convent or what the process is.

Of course, when I begin to chat with a clergy member I get all flustered blushy... what do you say?? I just don't know!

While a nun, is certainly not the path that my life has taken, the gifts that the Sisters in my life have shared with me and my family makes me supremely grateful.
In this vein, today, someone asked me if I would rather my son be a priest or gay..... you could have picked my jaw up from the floor, how to even begin to respond to that....

Mr. Helpful

Stinky has the capacity to drive me absolutely batty in one moment and have me totally melting in the palm of his hand the next. Such is the talent of boys right?

This week he decided he was going to learn how to ride his two wheeler (said like this, "my two wheewer") it is so cute coming from his little voice.

So I dug out a wrench and took the training wheels off- put his helmet on him and set him off down the driveway. Three hours. up and down the driveway. It was a long three hours... however I have not laughed and cheered so much in a while so it was well worth it.

Later that night he wanted to do the dishes... yes. Really he was begging to do the dishes (this is my evidence for when he is 12 and he objects strenuously to dish duty)

I agreed. After pushing the wooden rocking horse over he climbed up on it and got to work. I have never seen someone have such fun doing dishes!

Peas is pefectly precocious

Peas has it rough. She is not the oldest, she is not the youngest, she is not the only boy, she is just kind of stuck in there. So she has to make herself heard. And she does. She gets her share of attention, by hell or high water. She takes no crap from anyone.

These are fantastic characteristics in someone, they are admittedly hard to deal with in a child.

She snuggles and loves with every part of her. She demands the attention she wants and will not settle for less. She has her own personality that is bigger than life.

Peas does not take a challenge laying down. If there is a problem she will solve it. If I tell her she 'can't' (which has resulted in me trying to avoid that word) she takes it as a dare. To point I put a toy that was causing problems outside and she went out and got it. I put it back outside and locked the door. She went, got a stool, then unlocked the door and then got it- and came back in with a smirk on her face. With that kind of attitude I pity anyone who gets in her way.

My Princess

Last night I got to snuggle with Princess.

I am so glad she still likes to cuddle. I sat there and petted her head and noticed her profile is still much the same as it was when she was a baby and I could snuggle with her all the time, and we snuggled a lot.

Last night I lay there and ran my hand through her hair and noticed how thick it is- and remembered how fine her hair was, how soft her skin was (and still is). How wonderful it was just to hold her as a little baby. She changed my life.

She has grown into such a wonderful girl. I am so proud of her. She is generous and kind and smart. With enough attitude to keep me on my toes- she is my child and if there was not some attitude there would be something clearly wrong.

Princess is now nearly seven and I am not entirely sure where that time went. It seems like yesterday we were moving into the apartment- I have been so blessed to be her mother.

Princess brand new

her she is now....