Meghan's Birth Revisited

Pixie was born nearly 4 years ago.  How is she 4 (almost)? She was just this little bitty thing with dark beautiful hair. Now she is bounding, leaping, dancing, twirling nearly 4 year old.

I was looking at some labor and birth photography yesterday on Facebook, and I was reminding of my labor and delivery photos of Pixie's birth.  So much has changed in nearly 4 years but wow, wow. These are still some of the most meaningful images ever.

Again a huge thanks to Lion's Roar Media

Grocery Shopping with a group

Grocery shopping is kind of a necessity.  Before I get told to try Peapod, I did once and was totally disappointed- so I will not go that route again.

In an effort to save money I shop at Aldi.  You have to deposit a quarter in the cart to get it to release, which limits the cart selection.  If both carts first in line are squeaky and obnoxious, so be it, you just get to deal.  The big problem was when one of the carts had a broken seat belt for the seat.  It was one of the few times I went shopping and did not have a sling (shame on me). 

Henry, being 18 months old is a stinker.  Standing up and climbing in his seat is a way of life.  Therefore,  I had to carry him through the store, while wrangling other kids which scatter in every possible direction putting heaven knows what in the cart. 

After finishing the store, then getting everything on the belt to pay, paying, then putting everything into bags with helpers I was exhausted.

Here are a few things I have learned-

-  Kids don't get the concept of neatly bagging until the age of like 9. So bring a lot of bags, this way they can help and you don't have to stress about not having enough room

- Deal.  It is an hour or so, you can do this.  No one can hear what you are thinking to yourself.

- One of the good things about Chicago winters is you can leave the stuff in your car until your are ready to bring it in and it will not spoil.  Cold weather may have draw backs but there are positives too.

Religious Education and tears

I am not really a crier.  I, today, had to hold back tears and fight to keep from crying in front of a room full of 10 year old kids.

We were discussing hunger as a world issue and what the truly, desperately, hungry people of the world go through- and it made my stomach hurt, my chest hurt.  I cannot fathom being a mother of kids and hearing my children cry and not be able to feed them.

Feeding my children is something I, as a mother, am biologically, drawn to.  I make milk for my babies and feed them from my body, the same way I grew them in my body.  Not being able to feed one's children and watching them suffer must be absolute agony for a mother.

On a humorous note, while we were watching a video on the hungry babies and children, I let down milk.  Lots of milk, and leaked.  It is as if my body's instinctual response to hungry babies and children is to produce milk-- milk makes everything better.

We are extremely blessed.  The times my kids are hungry is when my kids have decided they did not want to eat what I had.  It is not from a lack of food.  It is not from a lack of shelter, heat, and sanitary conditions.  Its because my children have never truly known hunger.  To be honest, neither have I.  I have starved myself as a function of an eating disorder- never from lack of actual food.

So what can we do as a group or as individuals?  We can't realistically ship boxes of candy overseas to impoverished people.  There are a few reasons for this one being that when a body is starving- reintroducing complex foods and fat to a person is not a good idea- their bodies cannot process it.  As a body starves it starts consuming itself for survival.  In critically malnourished people- careful nutrition in easy to digest forms is critical.  Additionally, how many people who live in abject poverty have a refrigerator, pans, cutlery, a can opener, a stove? Food needs to be easy to prepare and store.
Also, throughout the world there are people who do not eat certain foods for religious reasons.

One organization that I have been impressed with is Feed My Starving Children, they pack nutritionally dense, easy to prepare, ship, and store food worldwide.  One thing I am not clear on is that, as a Christian organization, does it serve people who are not Christian? Do they require bible study or anything as a condition for receiving food or service?  I have asked this question of them and am awaiting a response.  My personal belief is that the food should be available for everyone, no questions no demands- everyone is deserving of food- not just Christians. So before I commit to supporting this organization, I need to figure that out.

Do you know of any other organizations that are helpful and are open to supporting ALL people?

I do not like being scared--- part II

I have been in exactly 2 haunted houses in my life.  One was when I was pretty little maybe 8 or so with my parents.  I clung to my dad for my dear life. I was horrified. I remember screaming so much my throat hurt. The moon that night was of course full, and orange-y it was like someone planned it.  My dad- liked to tease and scare me- but I was panicked. I slept outside their door that night.

Then in high school I went to a bigger professional haunted house and I really do not remember much of it- other than literally kicking some actor away from me, because I was terrified.

What is the fun of being scared out of your wits?

I do not like scary movies, or mysteries. I turn every noise into some scary person or animal.

The scary is totally wasted on me. 

What is so great about being scared

It is Autumn and with it comes haunted houses, horror movies, and generally things that are creepy scary or etc. I don't get it.  I do not like to be scared. It is not fun to be terrified. Heart-pounding horror is not fun.

Clearly, I am missing something based on the popularity of the genre. 

I don't like scary movies, blood and gore, general violence. The whole things is lost on me.

Scary things are--- scary!! Not fun. Funny things are fun.

Picture update

A day with out antianxiety meds

When I was a teenager there was clearly something wrong with me.  I would get furious, not angry- furious- for no good reason.  I couldn't sleep well.  My thoughts were racing. I had an eating disorder. In short I was nuts.

My parents tried to get me help, and like any teen I fought them tooth and nail.  The doctors tried to tell my parents that I was bipolar. I am not.  I don't lay around in bed unable to move-- just the opposite. My head and thoughts move so fast I can't move.  It is like being pulled in a thousand and three directions at the same time and you can't even begin to figure out what your thinking because your brain has already moved on to 10 new things.

While your at it totally innocuous thoughts become worst case scenarios in seconds. If I were a super hero I would be Worst Case Scenario Girl: able to jump from nothing to catastrophe in seconds.

Finally, as an adult- I found a doctor and explained my thought process. He looked at me and said I had severe anxiety.  He prescribed meds for that.  The first time I took them, I was wary, but then they too effect and it was amazing.  I wondered, "is this how normal people feel all the time?" My brain and thoughts stopped racing.  I stopped having to work my self up to being able to handle the stress of grocery shopping.  Picking a brand of OJ was no longer a 10 minute debate.  I didn't snap at my husband.  I didn't get so frustrated with everything.  Life was so much more enjoyable.

The day before yesterday, I ran out of meds.  I was only out for a day.  But in that day- my behavior change was obvious.  It was not good.  Thankfully, I got my meds right away and by the next day I had managed to regulate a bit more. 

I am not ashamed of my anxiety and panic disorder.  I am not ashamed of my asthma or kidney issues or my blood issue. They are medical issues that can be treated and when treated I am fine.

This being mental health awareness week I feel the need to speak about how anxiety does not always look like a panic attack.. it can... but it can look a lot of other ways to.

I am not reliant exclusively on meds either.  I exercise a lot- but for times like this, when I need to rest and recover- they are a freaking gift from science (and G-d)