What is so great about being scared

It is Autumn and with it comes haunted houses, horror movies, and generally things that are creepy scary or etc. I don't get it.  I do not like to be scared. It is not fun to be terrified. Heart-pounding horror is not fun.

Clearly, I am missing something based on the popularity of the genre. 

I don't like scary movies, blood and gore, general violence. The whole things is lost on me.

Scary things are--- scary!! Not fun. Funny things are fun.

Picture update

A day with out antianxiety meds

When I was a teenager there was clearly something wrong with me.  I would get furious, not angry- furious- for no good reason.  I couldn't sleep well.  My thoughts were racing. I had an eating disorder. In short I was nuts.

My parents tried to get me help, and like any teen I fought them tooth and nail.  The doctors tried to tell my parents that I was bipolar. I am not.  I don't lay around in bed unable to move-- just the opposite. My head and thoughts move so fast I can't move.  It is like being pulled in a thousand and three directions at the same time and you can't even begin to figure out what your thinking because your brain has already moved on to 10 new things.

While your at it totally innocuous thoughts become worst case scenarios in seconds. If I were a super hero I would be Worst Case Scenario Girl: able to jump from nothing to catastrophe in seconds.

Finally, as an adult- I found a doctor and explained my thought process. He looked at me and said I had severe anxiety.  He prescribed meds for that.  The first time I took them, I was wary, but then they too effect and it was amazing.  I wondered, "is this how normal people feel all the time?" My brain and thoughts stopped racing.  I stopped having to work my self up to being able to handle the stress of grocery shopping.  Picking a brand of OJ was no longer a 10 minute debate.  I didn't snap at my husband.  I didn't get so frustrated with everything.  Life was so much more enjoyable.

The day before yesterday, I ran out of meds.  I was only out for a day.  But in that day- my behavior change was obvious.  It was not good.  Thankfully, I got my meds right away and by the next day I had managed to regulate a bit more. 

I am not ashamed of my anxiety and panic disorder.  I am not ashamed of my asthma or kidney issues or my blood issue. They are medical issues that can be treated and when treated I am fine.

This being mental health awareness week I feel the need to speak about how anxiety does not always look like a panic attack.. it can... but it can look a lot of other ways to.

I am not reliant exclusively on meds either.  I exercise a lot- but for times like this, when I need to rest and recover- they are a freaking gift from science (and G-d)

Pen Envy

I posted a while back about how excited I was to try InkJoy pens.  Pens that were supposed to be amazing-- how often do you see commercials for pens on tv? So I was so excited to get my hands on them.  They were underwhelming.

There was a gritty feeling (I have no idea what to call it- it just feels odd writing) The ink didn't become gooey or anything, it just didn't feel smooth.

I prefer pens that are very glidy my current favorite is a Papermate profile- they are so smooth when writing. They also have a cushy grip thing- all about comfort right?  I have tried and tried to love gel ink pens but as of yet I have not found one that I love.  

Obviously, this is not a real problem but I have some strange fascination with office supplies- specifically pens.   I am always on the hunt for the perfect pen.

I think I found one.  I was in the ER getting ready to be admitted (shocking!) and the admitting person had a fabulous pen!! She said it was a gel pen (cue angels singing), and it was so smooth!!! Here is my issue- all it said on it was PaperMate-- nothing else-- and I can't find them anywhere.  I am going to go nuts looking for the Holy Grail of pens!

Do you have a pen or office supply you love?? Tell me about it.

pretty dresses

My mom is going to her 50th high school reunion in a week.  She and her sister sat in my dinning room and my mom went over what she was planning on wearing. 

Somehow the conversation shifted to my cousins going to homecoming, and what they wore and how the girls were asked.  Apparently asking girls to homecoming has become an event on par with a proposal.  I guess their dresses were beautiful and they looked fantastic- I mean they could look fabulous in potato sacks.

I started thinking how much I missed getting to go shopping with girlfriends to find the perfect dress and shoes. Going from store to store- trying on tons of dresses until we found 'it': the perfect dress.  The last dress I got to do that for was my wedding dress, and I don't see any other formal occasions in my future.

In my internet browsing, I came upon a fun website that has gorgeous dresses.  While I can't take 30 of them into a dressing room and try them all on, I can browse through them from the comfort of my sofa and my cozy yoga pants (which have never actually been to yoga). They have some cocktail dresses that I may end up planning a special evening just so I can justify purchasing one (I really like this one).

Maybe sometime soon I can think up an excuse for a super date night.

Klutz

Of all of the things my kids could have inherited from me they had to inherit the klutz. 

My dear children- I am so sorry for passing this unfortunate characteristic on to you. 

A few pointers:

Look where you are going. It is much easier to navigate if you are looking where you are going. This does mean looking ahead of you and even down once and a while to make sure you are not going to slip on something or step into a giant hole.

Hold on to railings. They are there for a reason.

It is okay to make more than one trip. There is nothing wrong with making two trips.  If you carry a huge amount it is an accident waiting to happen.

Wear closed toe shoes. Otherwise you are just asking for it.

If you break a toe, don't wiggle it to see if it still hurts.  It does still hurt it will for a while. 

Carry band-aids.

 My dear children, I love you all.  Please take my advice-- coming from someone who managed to fracture a tailbone falling out of a chair... take my advice.

Since when is self esteem a bad thing?

You know what is bizarre?  When I  start to feel good about myself, I end up feeling guilty for feeling good about myself?  What kind of crazy is that? 

Many many years ago, I was in Junior Girl Scouts and there was a self esteem badge.  I remember doing part of it and feeling terrible that I was working on liking myself.  I tried to talk about it with some adults and I was told that working on self esteem was a pretty self centered thing to do.  Then I was told that I already had a too high of an opinion of myself.

A few years later I developed an eating disorder- shocker (not really surprising in the least).

Seriously, I have lived my life feeling guilty when complemented, unable to have positive self talk, and being afraid to try new things because I may not get them quickly enough.

I grew up thinking I was a major screw up and incapable of doing anything right; that I would never be as good as my siblings, my friends, my neighbors.  My self image was a stinking pile of crap.

This is still something I have a hard time with. More pressing- I see my oldest starting o have the same patterns and I do not ever want her or any of my kids to feel like that. Ever.

So I am trying to change this. I have a long way to go.