Weekend Catch Up

So it snowed..then it snowed some more...then it iced...then it snowed then it got damn cold...then it melted..then rained and the water came into my house.

What a way to wake up!!! Three kids, two dogs, two cats and a basement full of water. Awesome...it is the exact opposite of all that is good. Out comes the shop vac. and let the pumping begin. Had Peas strapped to my back (thank you mei tai)...

Look out the window at the yard...Lake H....need an ark where is Noah when you need him?

Kids were in rain boots and snow pants having a great time (only kids can have fun during this)

Enter mother in law. She calls she has water..needs help...If I can do it with three kids...she can do it by herself-she is a big girl. She was all upset because her husband was not there....well neither was mine...duh. She does not have a shop vac--my answer go buy one...not that hard. I have done it.

So after a long day of work with lots of help. My basement was dry and my yard was mostly dry. Bring on more snow.

watch and learn

have you ever had someone in your life that lives in a way that you aspire too?? not in a condescending way but in a way that is genuine and authentic and good? I have a friend like that. She is inspiring. Her heart and generosity are inspiring. I can only hope and pray that I can be so generous and giving when called to.

a full heart

Christmas was fun for the kids. Tiring for me. Exhausting more like. The day after we went to a PADS shelter to serve breakfast to those less fortunate. It was the children's first real experience there.

Leaving the house was an experience in an of itself...the roads were sheer ice. It was like driving on a sheet of glass. Driving my SUV was scary. But we made it. Took longer than I thought.. but we made it.

once inside we waited for the other volunteers...and proceeded to make breakfast bacon, eggs, sausage, coffee, juice, toast, bagels...etc. Princess was so excited to help out. She loved it. The other family had a little girl too..older than Princess but not a lot. Both of them were happy to help. That was refreshing. It made my heart happy to see my child so anxious to help and enjoying it. It was somewhat embarrassing when she told a guest that "I came here this morning to help people who do not have a house like we do".

The two hours flew by. Soon it was time to leave. We loaded back in the car and ice skated home. My heart filled and refreshed. I am already looking forward to going and helping next month.

hangover preschool style

So it has been a week of holidays...Hanukkah, Christmas...next New Years. The kids are wiped...but net expressing it as fatigue..but as grumpiness and stubbornness. it is 1:30 and we are holed up at home trying to mellow after the buzz of the holidays.
This year I had a hard time getting into the holidays...get wonder why...huh? Oh thats right this year has been challenging. So much loss. So much sadness. It almost does not seem real. Usually I am fussing about Christmas/Hanukkah in October..this year I could not get into it. My heart was heavy.

This morning we awoke at 4 am to go serve breakfast to those less fortunate as a way to re-focus and center ourselves (read myself). The roads were like driving on glass. Awful. Scary. I could not get into the lot at the shelter. But we made it. It was really good to do that. It refreshed my heart to teach my children about giving. Even when we are having a rough time...the guests were so kind and so nice. I am looking forward to doing that again. For the first time this season my heart was lighter and I enjoyed it.

SNOW!!!

So we live in Chicago. Seasons are a part of life. As are frigid bone chilling cold and snow. Lots of snow.

As a child I would often wake up early in the morning before school to get an hour of playing in the snow in. I lived for it. sledding skiing skating snowmen all of it...even shoveling..in fact even now the only thing I dislike about snow is driving in it... and cleaning the car when I cannot reach all the way.. I have such wonderful memories of playing in the snow until my mother forced me to come in.

My kids it seems are the same. princess and stinky did a victory several laps around the house shouting 'wooohooo' at the top of their lungs when I told them we were going to go out. My ears are filled with the joyful shrieks of my kids enjoying the amazing thing that is snow.

I'll never be to old to sled down a hill and make snow angels...

Sibling love

Peas is sick. Last night I was scared. She was listless and so so sad. Her fever was so so high. 105....called the doctor. He was a lot less freaked than I was (that is a good thing).

Princess and Stinky were so sweet to her. They were holding hands with her when she Princess snuggled her on the couch and read her a story. It was so sad that she was sick but soo sweet to see the kids loving on Peas.

Now
Peas is feeling better...more interactive...still sick but not scary

Changes

One year ago....

I was pregnant. One year ago. I was getting ready for Christmas with two children. It has been one heck of a year. Good and Bad.

I was looking at pictures of Peas in the NICU and thinking how much she has grown. Looking at B holding her and beaming the new daddy pride.

Yesterday was Princes's Holiday program at pre-school..her first one ever. B was not there- that was sad. But his grandparents came- and Princess had a wonderful time singing her songs. Daddy was missed sorely.

Today Peas started learning the art of the Sippy cup. Up until now her only way of drinking has been nursing and she is not a huge fan of solids...she prefers her nummies...I cannot believe that she is the same 3 pound baby who made her entrance on her own terms- she has done everything else on her own terms since then too.

Imagination

There are so many things about motherhood that are hard and frustrating..Thankfully there are more that are fun and entertaining.

Lately Stinky has started imaginary play. Like full on imaginary play. He pretends he is an airplane and flies around the house...buzzing the dogs...bothering his sister...making the noises. It is so much fun to watch him immerse himself in his world and see what develops.

What will he be today?? So far a race car and race car driver, a choo choo, and an airplane.

Now a funny story:

Yesterday I was petting the cat and I noticed a strange accessory: blue fur. I put my mommy interrogation skills to work...asked how her fur came to be blue and found out that Stinky had colored her. Oh well...not the worst I've seen

Forgivness

it is a topic I have been contemplating a lot recently. It is a hard concept to grasp and even harder for me to say anything concrete that makes any sense about. Bottom line we all need it.

I am not good at giving forgiveness. I am a grudge holder. It is not fair of me to ask forgiveness then, but I still want it.

Anyway.

I find myself wanting forgiveness but knowing I cannot ask the person I hurt for it. It is something that I did a long time ago. That I knew was wrong...felt trapped....justified it..did it anyway..and have lived with the guilt. So much that I have only told one other person about it. ever. How do you do that. How do you get forgiveness from someone who is unavailable to ask? How do you forgive yourself?

The Christmas Story

I confess I am not the most up on my Bible stories... Princess today asked about Christmas. I told the story as best as I could. Starting with the Annunciation ending with Epiphany.

It was hard to cover the Annunciation and that 'drama' without making issue of the fact that Princess and stinky were born before we got married and weather or not that was the same thing with regards to the babies before marriage thing. Really interesting to dodge.

Any ideas on how to handle this gracefully?

big sister

Pfincess rocks. Simply put. Some days she is trying and she is stubborn as hell but she is so loving and empathetic it always surprises me.

I have a few recent examples of her caring nature:

Recently Stinky fell down the stairs and needed to go to the hospital to make sure he was okay. Princess insisted on going with him to the exam room with him to hold his hand to help him not be scared. They held hands while he was having his b/p taken and is SpO2 checked. She held his hand when he got his mouth and cut examined. She was great.

When Peas needs to go to the doctor she always holds her hands to make sure she is not frightened. OF course the kids get on each others nerves but Princess loves her baby brother and sister.

what to do....

This is the part of parenting that is sometimes the hardest. I am sick. All I have the energy to do is make sure that the couch does not float away. The kids feel better but are still coughing...if they run or are hyper they cough and cough and throw up. Delightful. So they must be kept 'quiet'. Easier said than done. When they are kept 'quiet' mischeif ensues. Other than that they must be engaged in something...always; see the above issue with me being ill.

What a conundrum.

What can I have the children do to engage them that does not require immense energy on my part?

It would not be a normal day here with out...

Some drama.

Stinky managed to fall down the stairs and bite through his lip. A trip to the ER later he was prescribed lots of milkshakes. Hmmm guess who his new favorite doctor is.

As a follow up to Saturday's post:

I felt like a character in Little Women when Jo cut her hair. Minus the 1860's and the Civil War etc. Princess cut her hair. And Stinky cut his hair. I never realized how attached I was to her beautiful hair. She truly had the most gorgeous hair. Now it is short. Very short. Yes it will grow...but I miss it.

It was so cute in pig tails with bows...blowing in the wind.

In The Center Ring.....

The fearless mom...Who tackles indescribable chaos single handed on a daily basis with out losing all of her mind...

Yep that's me. In an attempt (foolish) to consolidate things Princess and Stinky now share a room. Which means they share a bed. Which means they get into a TON of mischief.

Today: Princess broke a shelf that had 50 lb anchors in the wall (considering she only weighs 28 lbs I am intrigued by this feet)

She had a baby powder blizzard on Calico cat (never do you want your four year old to come down stairs and say 'Momma I am really very sorry but...' (by the way we had a previous baby powder explosion..so at least I had some of the cleaning up tactics down)

Somehow the curtain rod got broken....not sure about this one yet

A lamp got broken again...not sure about it.

And a door jam

Stinky emptied shaving cream on to a dog.. did you know they do not like it and it makes them sick???

My daily routine 4am until 7pm - tea

7pm until momma last call - wine

my house is a circus.

tales from the front lines of the kitchen

Last night I set out to prepare a wonderful and nutritious dinner for my family. The menu: herb roasted chicken, asparagus, and roasted garlic mashed potatoes. I was on the phone with a friend while arguing with the chicken coaxing it out of the plastic container... debating with the giblets bag to remove it; only to find the roasting pan I had selected was not the right size *gasp*. In my defense I bought the chicken at 6 am.. but it really was a giant bird. To get the proper size pan would require a miners light and potentially heavy equipment why?? because I seem to collect pots and pans the way my grandmother collected hummels.

After procuring the correct and giant pan from the depths of the cabinet greasing it and plopping the bird in it I proceeded to season it. All went well with that...and i placed the chicken with anxious anticipation in the oven to allow it to cook. After about half an hour I began to wonder why there were no aroma's wafting through the house. A quick inspection revealed that I had not turned the oven on *DOH*.

The lessons: a family our size does not need an 8 lb chicken and chickens cook faster when the oven is on.

motrin-gate

This happened a little while ago and I have been digesting it for a while.

Motrin ran an add about the aches and pains of babywearing- how it is the 'stylish' thing to do, how it causes back pain, how it is supposedly a great bonding experience, how it makes you and official mom.

Okay...I am all about pretty things and it certainly doesn't hurt that carriers are pretty. They have become something of an accessory for my clothes because I am always wearing someone.

Aside from that I have some pretty significant issues with the wording and the choice to run this add.

One being that it causes pain.. Well not really. at least not to me. I have wrist pain when I just hold the baby...and opposing hip pain from having poor posture. Using carriers allows me to center the baby over me and incorporate her into my balance.


My second and possibly largest issue with the ad campaign is the 'supposedly' a great bonding experience. Well any NICU mom can tell you kangaroo care/preemie wearing is one of the best things you can do for your baby and for you. You help your baby regulate her temperature, breathing, heart rate, you help her gain weight, you help her eat...just by being close to her. You teach her that you are there for her to meet her needs to trust and to depend on. That connection lasts forever.
Some of the best moments of my life have been spent snuggling my preemie in a sling.

As the baby gets older wearing her allows her core to strengthen, challenges her vestibular system...it also reassures her that you are there...that you will take care of her..that security and connection is an awesome bonding experience no 'supposedly' about it.

The other main issue is whether or not it makes you an 'official' mom. Loving your baby makes you an official mom. Nothing else. The immense and indescribable feeling of dedication makes someone an official mom babywearer or not.

gross bath

I was under the impression that a bath or a shower was supposed to leave with you feeling refreshed and clean. Not icky.

Meet bath toys- squirters especially. Last night when bathing the kids they began tormenting each other...as expected. the mold and mildew were not expected. EWWWW. Ick gross.

Need new toys.

ode to my dyson

Thank you to sister wife for introducing my to a machine that I have grown to love as much and sometimes more than my husband (hey it cleans up...if Brian cleaned up...)

I never new I could love a machine an appliance a symbol of woman's imprisonment in the home as much as I love my dyson. It picks up cat hair, dog hair, bits of things I never knew where there. I am half way between 'eww' and 'cool'.

It is fantastic that it picks up so much but where did it all come from???

I love a clean house...unfortunately my children seem to have decided that clean an 'the H' are never used in the same sentence describing each other. it is nice to have someone on my side even if it is a machine

ode to my breadmaker

How did I live without you? There is hardly a day that goes by that I do not use you. You create yummy and nourishing food for us to enjoy while making the house smell delicious.

Even in my extreme laziness I can find the energy to measure the ingredients and press start. I am rewarded for my minor efforts with the warmth and aroma that you produced. My children have begun to love the smell and know that the bread it to be enjoyed and relished.

Thank you for providing me the ability to make wholesome wonderful food without yucky food names that cannot be pronounced or understood.

it is going to be a long winter

The leaves on the tree in my yard are all on the ground.. (the weather turned and much like me at the end of a day dropped everything to rest) the squirrels are burying nuts, the roses are covered in cones-we have had our first frost and flurries- the pumpkins are composting...autumn is here..and quickly leaving in favor of a colder season: Winter.

During the summer the kids get up eat dress and head outside to burn off energy. We frequently do not come back in until dinner favoring a picnic lunch at a park or a pool. Now that it is dark earlier and colder the previous strategy of energy burning is no longer so appropriate.

It is going to be a long winter cooped up with the kids. Already they are itching to get back to playing outside (not that I have an issue with this..but I get cold...fast)So it is going to be a long winter of 'please do not run in the house' 'please please use the bat outside' 'the kitty does not want to be carried' 'ali is not a horse'.

This is not to say I do not like winter. I love it. As soon as there is snow. To have cold weather without snow is pointless. But when there is snow I will be right out there with them sledding, skating, building snowmen, shoveling..they will beg me to come in. We are Midwestern-ers.

Guilty Pleasures

Everyone has them. I have more than a few. One I love is ER. I am devastated that this will be the final season of ER. I have watched it since the beginning-- it has made me laugh- made me cry...I have felt for the characters and had my fair share of crushes.

My mother and I did not get along all that well when I was in high school but one thing we could always do was make stove top popcorn and watch ER on Thursday nights. One constant in a very very unstable world.

This show going off the air is like losing a security blanket. There is no good way to describe it. There were so many emotionally intense moments on that show. The writers hit a lot of home runs tapping into human emotion (of course they did pretty crappy sometimes too). I am losing all of 'my' shows. First Friends, then Sex and the City, Alias, and now ER. I am not good at change.

When Dr. Greene died it was arguably the most emotional I have ever been watching TV. I still get teary about it.

The good things about this season? Carter comes back (holy hotness!), Benton comes back, as does Doug Ross (be still my beating heart).... I may just buy the seasons from amazon to help sate my ER cravings.

YES we DID

Obama is the president elect of the US. Wow. Wonderful. Thrilling.

I have never been so inspired by politic as I have been in this election. My family is politically motivated and we have always been involved in the democratic process- never have I seen so many people so motivated so involved. Apathy ending.

This must what my parents felt with Kennedy.

more later when I can think

Saving Grace

My children, My Princess. Princess saved me. A lot to bear for a 4 year old. She is amazing. No idea how to explain the wonder that G-d has brought into my life with her.

Princess took my life and changed my life and my heart and changed its direction. Seeing her for the first time was like putting on a pair of much needed glasses. It was like seeing things for the first time. I resisted...change has never come easy. Slowly I began changing. My heart my soul.. I learned the love of G-d. Having her brought me to G-d. Allowed me to start listening to the small voice. She helped me tear down walls that I had spent so much time putting up. Let me learn to love and be loved. She let me begin to see G-ds worrk in my heart.

So thank you for Princess. Thank you for her exuberance. For her effervescence. For her.

Baby Blue Eyes

Zoe Blue Eyes.

I love her eyes. They are huge expressive beautiful blue eyes. They smile when she is happy. It is like she can say everything she needs to with her eyes...without words.

Right now she is crawling around the living room getting up close and personal with the carpet...singing along to music.

Her eyes see the world and all its beauty and all its wonder with such amazement with such awe. I love watching her watch the world observing and learning.

From the day she was born and we locked eyes. We locked hearts too. My children are part of me. They are such blessings. I have learned so much from them.

They do not care if I feel fat or if any of it. Zoe still loves to crawl up on me and snuggle her head on my shoulder. She loves to look up at me from her perch in a sling and smile so big I forget what ever i was saying.

Swearing- Preschcool style

As you know as the mother of three children one of my primary functions in life is a referee. A skill that I had previously under-utilized and have had lots of practice developing it.

This morning an argument broke out over the trains- the toy I hate most... They fight over it more than play with it, it eats batteries for snacks, and needs to be put back together very frequently, it also has a ton of pieces to keep track of, and the worst?? It makes noise- the Thomas theme song.

So the kids are arguing. It was threatening to turn ugly so I intervened. A short investigation revealed that Princess hijacked the train from Stinky and Stinky was retaliating. Order and justice were restored. Princess in protest stomped off to her room and attempted to slam the door (it does help if blankets are not in the way)...for good measure she opened it and slammed it again.. This translates from preschoolese to 'f you'

Faith Musings

I come from a completely confusing religious upbringing. Evangelical Christian was a bad word.

However I have never been able to identify totally with 'Roman Catholic'...though I love a lot of the high church traditions. I also love Shul and the beauty inherent there. To claim myself as Christian seems to turn my back on a lot of my upbringing and insulting to my family...

Where does that leave me and my crisislet of faith? The notion that G-d would sacrifice his son for us--is incomprehensible to me. That I am worth that any of that--is beyond me, maybe that is where my issue comes in. It seems presumptuous to me.

One thought that I do love is forgiveness- the notion that once you ask for forgiveness your wrongs are forgotten is comforting.

What I know the Jewish traditions are beautiful. The Catholic traditions are beautiful. I need my own religion that incorperates both. That recognizes Jesus was a Jew and from that Christianity arose-- and then celebrates that.

Fred

Not Flintsone or Mertz...Fred the dog. A yellow lab. My parents dog. My dog. We got Fred at a time in my life that was awful. Fred loved me. Fred was dependable when everything was not. Fred was always there to go for a walk...to swim with...to run and play with... Now Fred is getting old and slowing down. Last night I heard that he was not doing so well..he could not put his paw down. In a dog who is 13 that can be a big issue...

So at the vet today my mom called me. He tore his ACL. It is being repaired Friday morning. I know he is 'just a dog' but I love him. So if you have any good thoughts to spare for Fred please think them for my wonderful dog.. Who will always be a perky puppy in my heart?

My Superpower

Invisibility.

It seems I am. What I do everyday is invisible. If I did not do it---things would be visible.

I am a short order cook whipping eggs for breakfast, a laundress- making sure everyone is clothed in clean clothes, a maid-- picking up, vacuuming up, wiping up after the torrent of kids, and dogs, I am a book on tape-- reading story after story, I am a dairy, I am a taxi, I am a watch, I am a referee, I am an ATM, I am a calculator and a dictionary, I am a nurse and countless other jobs that for the most part go unnoticed.

There are times when I feel unappreciated, lately I have begun to feel like my work while not high profile is appreciated by G-d. I serve him by helping my family. Invisibility is not a bad thing, it just means I am doing my job well. Knowing that my day to day bring glory to G-d makes me feel fulfilled. That fulfillment is something I have been seeking.

(but G-d help my family if I every get really sick)

Mother

My mother has left. She spent 2 and a half days here. There was a time in my life when I would have not been able to be around her...or she me. Our relationship was tenuous at best. Now we can-- in limited doses.

My mother is a great woman, a smart woman, a caring woman--who thinks differently than I do. Totally fine. But sometimes things bother me more than they should and sometimes I dwell.

Part of the issue is I am the youngest by several years and have gotten pigeon-holed as the baby. Despite growing up, finishing, school, owning a home, marriage, kids, etc I will be the youngest never allowed entirely to grow up.

This is complicated because the interaction is involved. I feel inadequate- like nothing I do is good enough or right and I feel like I am being judged-- and always come up short (pun intended). I am not saying that she is judging me merely that this is how I feel.

A complicating factor in this is my in ability to 'stand- up' to her for lack of a better word. I do not want to upset her and I do not want to disappoint her. I have done enough of that. I want to get it right...for once.

Play!!

I played today.. Not the grown up play. Kid play. It was so much fun. We went in the front yard and raked leaves the jumped into the piles of them. It was cool here...not cold...perfect autumn weather. I was happy..euphorically happy. for the first time in a while I was giddy.

We had a fire in the back and cooked dinner on it. Again..awesome.. grown-ups need to get in on the kid fun market more..

Boys will be boys

This morning I smelled something funky so I asked Stinky if he pooped...he stuck his hand in his diaper and pulled out a handful...a simple 'yes' would have been great. He then tried to hand it to me...eww

We moved him out of the crib when he realized how to climb out of it at about 18 months old. Stinker. At that point he was still short enough not to be able to open his door...so if I *really* needed mommy time he would at least be contained. not anymore. He can open the door. In an act of sheer desperation I put a 'child-proofing' door knob cover on his door...he took it off and came downstairs handed it to me and told me he broke it. Time for plan 'b'.

sadness

***I started this post last night but due to circumstances was unable to finish it***

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

I have never known the pain of losing an infant. I have known and still know the pain of miscarrying. Even though the babies were alive in me for a short short time I loved them... I had started thinking about life with them...even when I was sure I was not ready for another baby...automatically I started to love them. Maybe a way of teaching me that even if I am sure 'I' am not ready..I can be ready.. as evidenced by the emptiness in my heart and the sadness that I still feel. I miss the babies I have lost. I wish I could have held them to tell them that I loved them.

I wish I understood why they were taken. I hate to admit it but I am angry. Why give them to me to take them away?? Am I not a good enough mother? Did G-d change his mind and decide 'wait nope you are not ready'? Is it away of reminding me that as much as my type 'A' self would like to control everything I can't?

Logically I can look at it and say: 'early losses are likely caused by a chromosomal abnormality or some other issue with the embryo that is incompatible with life' great. but my heart does not believe it.

So tonight I will light candles to remember the lives of my and my friends babies who's lives were extinguished all too soon

Sometimes older is better

Sigh...another post about births...so if you are anti natural birthing read no further.
Disclaimer---this is based on my experiences only....

I have been thinking a lot about birth and the American modern practices regarding pregnancy and birth since watching 'The Business of Being Born' in an effort to engage my mind and keep me from thinking on more depressing topics.

1- I wish it was still the norm to have other people around you during labor especially and possibly delivery. So many people have said how they want just their partner there with them..then commented on how they cannot handle it/were so scared..etc..

In my experience having another person there really helped me deal...especially with the fear. Maybe this is because my husband is not so great at supporting me or maybe having other people who cared for me who had been through the process took a lot of the fear out of it (I prefer to think the latter)

2- I really wish hospitals and doctors in general were more supportive of women and viewing pregnancy as a life stage and not a condition to be 'treated'.

Now looking at things from the preemie parent standpoint: fear is a huge issue for us...fear not only of the labor/delivery that most women have but also the fear for our babies...any reduction in that is helpful.

3- how come animals who have more babies in one gestation than most people seem to handle what is essentially the same process so much better and with a less mortality rate than humans?? One thing that I came up with is that animals cannot share 'horror stores' they go into it following their nature and let their bodies do their jobs.

(there are clearly instances when humans need medical help - my body cannot seem to stay pregnant for a full gestational period so trusting my body to go full term is moot... when modern medicine is NEEDED clearly NEEDED not for convenience...it is a darn good thing it is there.)

4- I must question the rational in a practice that has not seen an improvement in maternal mortality rate since the early 1980's----why is that? Cancer 5 year survival rates have improved a huge amount?? why the discrepancy?

Maybe trusting the 'old' way of doing things is better...in countries in which midwives are utilized along with doulas...intervention rates are lower as are the maternal and fetal mortality rates. Support women and their bodies. We are designed to do this.

since when is

Putting three kids to bed an aerobic activity??

It goes like this:

-dinner...I usually try and get a vegetable in them somehow. Sometimes they eat sometimes the dogs eat well...the kids get wiped or occasionally hosed off as the meal and the level of messiness dictate..dogs lick the floor chairs everything.

- the kids play until that paradoxical childhood reaction to fatigue sets in..when they become so intractable that there is no good solution. Tonight Princess ripped a choo-choo out of Stinky's hands and sat on it..why? dunno. I asked her how she feels when Stinky takes things from her and she began to flail about like an octopus being strangled. I told her that she could choose to calm down and play nicely or go to bed. she choose to go to bed (ok she did not choose..she bit me). I talked to her and told her it made me really sad when she made choices like that and that she was telling me with her actions that it was time for rest. she began to run around like a maniac.

- I pick her up. she flails/kicks, shrieks, hits...etc. I prevent her from knocking her self out and deposit her in her bed. she again acts all wild and gets stuck..then really looses it...

- stage left Peas is chasing a huge plastic bat yelling at it
- stage right Stinky is sitting on a dog who is being saintly.

- Princess is unstuck and we calm down and talk. the other children are herded to the bathroom for teeth brushing/last potty.

- I hold Peas and prepare tooth brushes while bouncing Peas. We sing the brushing song..Princess attempts to water board herself while rinsing. faces are again wiped (how do the get so dirty in 45 min??)

- we go to Stinky's room. Princess decides she wants to read her story/say prayers in Stinky's bed. Fine. Prayers are said. I somehow manage to hoist Princess onto my hip to carry her and Peas to her room and put her in bed..hand off blankie give kisses, turn on nightlight, turn on music box.

- return to Stinky's room..he is wailing in his crib..he wants to sleep in his big boy cars bed. I sympathize but tonight the into and out of bed constantly thing seems beyond me. give kisses turn on nightlight sunggles.

- remember dogs are outside. run downstairs to let them into garage to dry off a bit. nearly breaking my neck and dropping Peas on the train layout..

- briefly stop in kitchen to have water...am sweating.

- hear skylar playing in room- remind her that she needs to rest.

- plop down to nurse and realize I forgot to change Stinky's diaper and Peas needs a new one as well. Figure Stinky can wait until he is sleeping then I'll change him...I change Peas...she nurses and fall unceremoniously asleep...

- feed dogs

-remember I have not pee'd since 6 am.

Chest Rattle

Peas's cold has moved to her lungs and will probably live there for a while. I am terrified that this will go to RSV. sigh...nebulizers are our friends as are steamy showers...

How did I get so lucky to get such awesome babies??

Coughing

Well people are getting over the colds. The problem with having a house full of preemies is that when the runny nose is gone the cold goes and lives in their chest for a few weeks and may or may not turn into something ghastly fast. I am helpless to do much to stop it and then once it is there all I can do is support them. Not a whole lot of anything I can do to drastically improve things.

First colds

All three kids are sick. Managing three kids who are sick alone stinks. Royally. I damn near rolled off the bed last night expecting to roll into B...but of course he was not there. I hate that.. A lot.

Anyway- Since Peas is a preemie and has her first cold of the season and RSV season is literally around the corner I am living in fear of it developing into RSV. It starts so fast so innocently a cough a sneeze then you are sitting there with a blue infant struggling to breath utterly helpless. I get chills just thinking about it. Stinky had RSV and I have never been so scared- ever. Please pray that Peas cold stays just that a cold... I can wipe runny noses all day long, factor in ER, nebs, PICU, intubation, not so good at all of that.

Chocwat

Stinky sure does love chocwat (chocolate to people who are not fluent in 2 year old)

He wants it and he wants it now.

9 years

It has been an emotional week. Yesterday marked 9 years since I re-entered the world after eating disorder treatment. I am still here, sometimes by a thread, but I am here. I eat.

The shoes I wore on the plane home are still in my closet. Some of my clothes are still marked with my number "318" (maybe I should shop more??) There are days that the emotions are still to raw to 'there' to deal with.

My eating disorder will never be gone. Will never leave me entirely-- in the way I eat, the way I look at myself in mirrors, the damage to my physical self, and the damage to my emotional/spiritual self--remnants are there and will always be there.

Thank you Mom and Dad. Thank you for sending me. Thank you for saving me. Thank you for believing in me when I was batty and wild. I cannot thank you enough. I love you

Fall

I love fall! Love it!

I opened to door to take everyone for a walk this evening and was greeted with crisp air and the smell of a wood burning fire. Yes I had to dig out a hat and mittens for the kids but...ohh I love fall...I love all of the season..and I rejoice in the beginning of each. From dry crunching leaves under my feet, the pristine silence of snow on branches, the brave first touches of green, and lazy hot summer days spend by the pool. Each is wonderful. I do not think that I could ever live somewhere that does not have seasons.

Now is the time to look forward to baking pumpkin bread, sitting cozy by a fire, fresh crisp air and fresh apples...Yea fall

It is tooo freakin' quiet!!!!

The older kidlets are at grandma's, B is gone, it is Peas, the animals and I....doood it is freaky quiet. I am not used to it. What do I do with myself??? I got soo much done by noon I was all 'huh--so what do parents of one child who is passed the newborn constantly needy phase-pre mobile phase doo????' Well my house is clean. The laundry is done, I have read a whole book, trimmed bushes, bathed (alone!!!).

Sure there is more I can do but for the moment I want to veg. I can mop floors tomorrow. I am on my own again tomorrow, I have to pace myself.

Sooo anyone want brunch tomorrow??

Debates and Football

I am so excited for this election. Not just because I am not thrilled with George W. Bush, but because for the first time in my life politicians are reaching so many people, stirring so many on such a base level, giving hope to so many. Maybe this is how my mother felt about Kennedy, more that than the world was then as it is now in the midst of radical change. My political leanings are very liberal (GO OBAMA)...admittedly. However for the first time in my adulthood, I feel like neither candidate would be a disaster for us. McCain while not my favorite does have good points.

So last night I was giddy with excitement for the debate. In school I loved to debate, hell I still love to debate, but this was the first time in my life I was giddy over a presidential debate. I went to my best friends house to watch. She said she "watches debates like football". She does, it rocked. Someone else who loves that. Mental Sparing rocks. Eliminating antipathy rocks. I am so excited to see so many people previously so apathetic so excited about politics. Politics and Law have always jazzed me writing bills, making changes for the better, learning, bettering things...it is like crack (but not illegal).

Such a boy

Today I was channeling my inner dairy cow and expressing milk while attempting to read a magazine, entertain Peas, and ref the two older kids.

Stinky takes out a puzzle and attempts to put it together. One piece refused to go in; instead of turning it or moving it he went and got his toy hammer and proceeded to pound the darn thing until it turned enough to go in...Such a boy

Princess

I had a cute princess story but I forgot it by the time I sat down to type it out. :( That is frustrating.

Today we ventured out to the mall to meet friends and tire the kids out. By the time we ready to come home I do not know who was more tired... the kids or us.

Princess is so confident. She wore a flamenco dress to the mall resplendent with ruffles, red fringe, and polka dots....she loved it, and the attention she received.

Stinky....what can I say...he is my little man. He is so so sweet and so amazingly just wonderful. He is silly in an entirely different way than Princess. He is also more shy and cautious. But when he smiles his eyes sparkle and his smile is brilliant

Peas is a snuggle bug. Content in a sling...no where else. She is learning to crawl. I love watching her try and encouraging her. She is so strong! Constantly amazing.

Perfect For Each Other

I'll never find another man like Brian. I have a lot of baggage.

Independence

My son is a stinker. "Myself" is is word of the day. He does not want to hold hands, he does not want help. He will do it "myself" which turns out more like 'masewlf'

What is a mom to do? when there is a toddler who will do things 'masewlf' or 'hep' me with whatever I am doing?

I suppose I should be grateful for him spreading his little wings. He is my little boy my sweet boy. He may be independent but he still loves snuggles and he still loves to be by momma.

I love watching him with Peas. He gives her her baby when she needs is upset he sings to her he rubs her head while she nurses or has 'numi's'

hmmm

So here I am. Sitting late. Missing my husband, watching my child sleep. Aching. Worn out. Broken.

My heart my soul needs reviving. I have an awesome friend who is always willing to be there, I am so terrible at being vulnerable in person. I am afraid of being hurt and being left high and dry and even more empty. Me abandonment issues?? Nah.

So much has happened so so much. My life is 20 odd years a long time, but so short. Maybe if I get all of the crap out of the way I can enjoy the rest. But everything that has happened has left its mark on me. In broken hearts, in scars on my arms in strange reactions I have in ‘normal’ situations.

I feel G-d in my heart trying to work. I am afraid to let Him do his job. I am afraid to surrender my soul.

Afraid to accept that I may be worth it. Why? Dunno.

So I sit here and remember a prayer that I heard in school. The “Footprints’ prayer and remember that when I think/know I can’t G-d will carry me through. So many times when I feel like I am the darkest part of life in the ‘depths of despair’ to quote LM Montgomery. Where am I going? Dunno. If G-d can take me and help put humpty back together again I’ll be much appreciative…

So why the morose attitude?? Well 2 years ago I got the wonderful diagnosis of Cervical Cancer. 2 years. That is it. A lifetime ago..I am here.

And now a change of pace…

When my husband and I were dating I would wake up every morning, in his twin bed…yes we shared a twin bed, and smile at him. I was so happy to wake up next to him. I slept with my head on his chest and listened to his heart. Loved being crowded by him loved being held. I will always love him like that. I will always remember how he felt against me then. How I could not get close enough to him. I love him.

sigh...

I miss my husband....I want him to cuddle me....

So Who is Building and Ark

With Brian gone I am the one who gets to deal with day to day life and crisis...usually all at the same time. I have to give any single parents out there a ton of credit. My day/life/week have been a whirlwind.

Yesterday I had planned to go to the park with my best friend and have wine...seriously. It was raining...no park...the dogs were sick...so I left them in the yard...mind you the summer project was to put up a new fence and an invisible fence....

My friends come over. We play...My friends husband calls and asks to be picked up from work (color me jealous...B will never call and ask to be picked up). I decide to let the dogs in and hose them off...Doodle is there..great...Husky is not.

Where the hell did husky go. As I am piling the kids into the car to go drive around out neighborhood screaming her name and looking for her in the rain my BFF and her husband pull in, they join in the search. Animal Control is notified..neighbors are alerted. I arrive back at home and decide to check the surrounding yards three doors over I find husky chasing bunnies.

Thank Heavens she is back.

Fast Forward to today:

I wake up to water in the basement and clogged gutters. To be continued when the situation is resolved.

Ruminations

Today is B's day at the firehouse. I am glad it was not yesterday.
Every morning since we were dating I would always say "Be safe, I love you". It used to be on the way to the FD when he would call me when I was on my way to work, now it is when he kisses me goodbye in the morning, even if by some lucky chance I am sleeping, I always wake up enough to say it. I could let him leave without it.

One time, One time I was so mad I did not say it and I was worried the entire day. Since then, no matter how annoyed I am I always say it.

Then after he leaves and the door is shut I say a short prayer, thanking G-d for my husband and praying for his safety.

The one time he was hurt, I about jumped out of my skin.

7 years later

'Memorials are for remembering how can we ever forget' ~ a quote on a website devoted to 9/11 remembrances.

How very true. So much changed that day. More than the tangible: now you have to arrive at the airport several hours before your flight; intangibles were lost too, the feeling of safety. My children will always grow up in a post 9/11 world. It was one day but it created a schism in so many lives.

Since my husband is a fireman this date hits close to home. So many wives never saw there husbands again, so many children never saw there daddy's again, so many hearts broken so many souls lost. My husband gives of himself everyday he risks his life to help other people. The wives, children, and families gave so much too.

It has been seven years and in some ways it seems so long ago-yet in others it seems so recent. A crystal clear sky on a crisp morning can remind me of that day.

i wish I could have some eloquent statement on how my husband defines patriotism for me: the willingness to help whomever needs it. How proud I am of him. How thankful I am that his is at work today and not dead. How thankful I am that when something silly happens I can call him and tell him. How I can snuggle up to him when I am cold. Losing that would be losing me. We are so intertwined now, he is an extension of me. I am so so so sorry for the families and loved ones of the FDNY. I cannot imagine what that is like. But thank you for your sacrifice.

Coasting

Thank you all so much for your support. I really am grateful. I am feeling better. We just took a mini-break with two other families to our home in Galena. Being away from the day to day helped me recharge.

That and apparently I am a raging hormonal inferno. I have always had a hard time with hormonal shifts but this one was horrible and I had no idea it was coming. I was not expecting it for another week or so. However, at least I know that I have not entirely lost my mind. Anyway.

By the way if you no not want all chemically products when you go out there, bring your own. They have nothing except the 'mainstream stuff' and no Whole Foods or TJs...very sad. But the fresh food cannot be beat.

Also the people just seemed nicer. I left my credit card in a restaurant and the waitress brought it to me in the lot. One of my friends thought she lost money and was calling around for it. They did not find it, but they offered her a gift certificate for the store because she was so sad.

Galena was great. We had 5 adults, 6 kids, and 5 dogs. It was so much fun! Even better we have a lot of the same parenting styles and such so I was not weird for tandem nursing or co-sleeping...everyone does it. It was so nice.

The kids rolled down hills and played in the park they also discovered the joy in a candy store as well as the fun of a horseback ride. All five kids who were old enough (except Peas) went

The daddy's got to go out and hang for a while. They get a long really really well too. It was so nice to see other men wearing their kids and nurturing them.

We went and got our toes done and they are pretty...I need regular pedi's so nice. Peas was with us the entire time and it was great.

Cannot wait to do it again...with out the crazy hormonal bitch..

so if anyone knows any way to help mitigate the pyscho woman inside me please please share.

Down day

I am really down today. Well a lot of days lately. In the hills and valleys of life I am in a very deep valley.

At the moment I am having troubles. Some my fault some not...but I don't know if I have the will or the energy to keep working to keep fighting. So much has been a fight so much has been so hard. Can things please please be easy just for a little. There are people who have so much more to fight against so much more in their way-maybe I should just hush about this.

it remains though- a battle on all sides. a constant battle with food, the toilet is always there, seven stairs away and 5 steps if I need it. the scars on my arms they are still there. I can add to them--but then what? what has been proven? That my heart hurts? Well it does. My heart aches. My soul aches. I can't cry, I can't scream, I can't do much except carry on. right now I don't really care too. Right now I want to rest.

There have to be some words to put to what I am feeling. What are they? There do not seem to be adequate. No words no voice.

I am frustrated that I am on my own so much. My husband doesn't get it. I don't know how to explain it.

Openness

There have been a few people who have asked why I am open about so many things that people have traditionally not talked about. I talk about them. All the time. I would rather talk about them and help eliminate the stigma attached to it. (there are a few thing that I do keep secret, that I am not ready to deal with)


I have survived. I have made it. I am happy. All of this has taught me that I can survive and succeed.

The thing is I have had help. My parents, my husband, my friends, my faith. I could not have made it with out them.

I have scars on my arms from glass, I have scars on my heart and soul. I have battle wounds that remind me what I have survived what I have learned, and maybe just maybe I can be open enough that someone who needs to talk can see that obstacles are not the end. That stigma can be overcome.

Business of Being Born

I just watched this movie. I harassed B into watching it with me. He was less excited about watching it than I was.

I was moved to tears frequently. The beauty of birth. The intimacy of the experience. The joy the love.

It convinced me that I want that. It made me mourn for the loss of the experience that was 'taken' under the guise of medical necessity. It was a very eye opening movie. All pregnant women should watch it.

Dreams

Not the good kind. It is an established fact that I have lots of dreams. Recently I have been having a lot of nightmares. Lots of nightmares pertaining to my rape and not being able to escape it. Like I have a phone but I cannot dial 911 for some reason. I have no idea what this means. I have no idea what to do about it. But I wake up sweating and trying to reassure myself that it was just a dream

MOOOOO

I donate milk.

I love being able to donate milk. I love knowing that a baby is getting a good start because I can do that. It is my gift. There are a lot of things I do not do well but I can make milk.

I cannot donate blood or platelets as I do not weigh enough but I can donate milk.

Breastmilk: it does a baby good.

More Faith

I have a lot to say today...

The other night I got to talking about with faith and G-d with a friend. Today I flipped on the TV ready to zone out for a few, and what was on? A 30 Good Minutes on WTTW that had the topic of Faith, finding it, prayer etc. Thanks G-d. I get it. I am learning. You have sent enough signals that I need to do this...So noted.

So here I am. I am giving my sadness, my frustration, my joy, my vulnerability to G-d. He can take care of it better than I can. I am imperfect, I am human. I am his.

I have to wonder why I was given some of the burdens I was given. I hate to complain about them because they are so minor so inconsequential.

Pray for me on this journey please.

ready for more processing?

I pity any readers I have this has become more of a journal than anything else...but it has made me accountable for my emotions and helps because they are out of me.

Brian as some of you know has an interesting relationship past. I have issues with his past. They are my issues. I admit that.

I am convinced that I will never measure up to the other people Brian has slept with. Measure up in any respect. I am convinced that he is thinking of said other girls..and that they were better than me...Goodness I hate admitting that. I am embarrassed. So if you know me, please keep this private?

B knows how I feel and has assured me and re-assured me that none of it is true. But he did admit that one of his ex-s was better in bed that I was. This was said four years ago..I still carry it with me.

How do I learn to let it go? How do I learn to forgive his mistakes? How do I learn confidence in myself? How do I learn to forgive myself? How do I stop letting all of it bother me?

The obvious...my eating disorder and associated distorted body image and like. Check. Have it. I do not think I am at all attractive etc. So it is understood that a lot of these issues are related to a lack in confidence. Very well and good right? Surface stuff is great. But I need more. Way too much therapy has not helped a lot. I can maintain my weight but I can't get over the feelings. Worse, I take it out on him. Princess sees this.

She is growing up!

Princess is in her twin bed now. Built by hand by my father.
My dad brought the bunk beds and the dresser that he built for Princess and Stinky today.
I went out with Princess to pick out her first set of big girl sheets. Shockingly, they are pink....duh.

When my dad and B were wrestling the beds out of the truck I went and bought a mattress. I am not sure how ready I am for Princess to be so grown up. I miss the little baby. But she sure is a ball of laughs now.

need to discuss something

B is not my first husband. He is my second. My first marriage was not good or long. Hurt feelings, broken bones....broken spirit.

I am discussing this now because I told a friend last night. My first marriage is not something I talk about a lot. I try and not discuss it. I have not processed it yet and am avoiding doing that like all get out. It affected me a lot though. It affected they way I relate to men, the reactions I have, my level of trust. I always feel like I am looking for something bad, sitting half on edge ready to run.

I left my own wedding reception with out my husband. Why? He slapped me. I spent the night with girlfriends. He was my husband and I never slept with the guy...how pathetic of a marriage is that? We were separated before the marriage certificate was filed. (and i found an AOL personals profile of him up a day later)

He still has control over me. Even now. I have not heard is voice in three years and the last time i did; I panicked. The thought of seeing him or talking to him makes me break out in a cold sweat. I am afraid he'll find us. I am afraid he'll find my children. I am afraid he'll hurt us.
Hence the two large dogs.

When B and I were dating he followed B all the way back to his parents from my place...a good 40 miles.

on a lighter note i have decided he looks like Henry VIII in his last years, fat, bloated, and with beady eyes.

Why B Sometimes Hates Me

I am well educated. I have extensive experience and training in logic, reason, and debate. Which means winning an argument against me is not easy. When I am in full on argument/defense mode he is hopeless. He knows it.

Right now I am having a hormonal issue. I am moody, crabby, and generally pissy. I asked him to clean up dog poop, he said he would. It didn't happen nor did he do any of his other chores. This is NOT a good week to annoy me. So I called him and not so nicely reminded him of his chores, he said he did not have time. I replied how would he feel if I did not make dinner or feed the children or change diapers because I did not have time. He said well that is your job...(bad move buddy). We had previously discussed and stipulated in our negotiations regarding division of labor that chores were part of our jobs regardless of whether we were working outside the home or not (he was reminded of said agreement). My comment was: well it is part of your job to pick up after the dogs. He said that he has priorities....(man needs to stop digging himself a hole)...My reaction: so we, your wife and children are not part of the top tier of priorities. He is now angry that I trapped him.

Yes I trapped him, yes, it was not fair, but I am grumpy.

Vintage Princess

Last year she started asking about G-d and why we do not go to church like our neighbors. My explanation of G-d centered around the concept that He is our father. Later that day she asked if He was in charge of me, I said he was. Next day, she wanted another cookie. I said that one was plenty..she she said she'd tell G-d on me.

Cute Skylar

We went to dinner at Red Robin with a friend. When the server was clearing food. Skylar looked up with her huge blue eyes and in a very mature 4 year old way said, "I am done too, sir". Too darn cute. I melted. Such a sweetheart

It started with

..a thud. Zoe fell out of our bed. That has never happened before- then again we have not had a night like we had last night in a looong time.

William was up, Skylar was up, Zoe was up, and Brian was snoring. One to another to another....We need a bigger bed. When Brian got up for work he did not let me know so I did not move to block Zoe in. She scooted all the way across the bed (which is a long way to scoot) and fell off. She was PISSED. but fine. The commotion woke up everyone else in the house so our day officially started at 4 am.

We went to the fire house for breakfast/brunch. It was fun. The kids are so nonchalant about the entire firehouse thing. some of our friends kids act like Brian is a god because he is a firefighter, but my kids are just like this is where Daddy works... they know which truck is which and they know how to turn on the lights on the trucks.

It is funny watching the guys be all domestic and cook and clean. At home Brian doesn't do anything like that but at the firehouse they all pitch in. Of course the equipment is slightly more manly. They eat off of platters, seriously platters, and they industrial everything. Boys and their toys right??

A sign??

I have been questioning the direction and role my faith needs to take; which course I am being called to.

Today, I saw a sign at Wheaton Evangelical Free Church is starting a Beth Moore Bible study. I have not read the Bible, let alone studied it. If I signed up for this would I look like a fool because I know so little about the Bible...or would it be okay if I went and said that 'I do not know what I believe or what it means to me, that is what I am here to learn.'

Is this church offering a class so close to my house and me seeing a sign for it a coincidence? Something more?

The thought of a Bible study frightens me. Like I am turning my back on how I was raised. So do I go? Do I attempt to read the Bible first so I do not make an ass of myself?

Just Sitting

Nothing terribly remarkable today. Just sitting on the sofa right now with Zoe talking to each other. She cooes so nicely--she is also showing me her feet. She found them before but now she seems to understand that she can move them around how she wants and they are attached to her.

She loves to hold her hands and play with her fingers. So stinkin' cute.

Come to think of it. I do have a dilemma: Sky is terribly bossy with Billy. She tries to discipline him and mother him. Billy of course resents it. I try and remind her that it is Mama's job to look after Billy, but she doesn't seem to let that stand in her bossy way. How do I get her to not be so bossy? How do I get her to be kinder to him? Yes he annoys her...she annoys him-it is what they do.

Do Tornado's Bite?

That is Skylar's question. As long as they don't bite we're cool...if they do bite she has an issue.

We had a crazy storm last night. Delightful. Sirens, emergency broadcast station, all of it. Thankfully, we are safe. There is a confirmed tornado in Bloomingdale though.
Fun times.

Rescue Remedy should be provided to all moms free of charge...that stuff is great.

Jealousy...

Not a fun topic. But one that I need to address at the moment. I apologize for the brevity of the post in advance, Zoe is squirmy

Another friend is pregnant. I feel like all of my friends are pregnant. No not all but a lot. And it seems like all of the pregnant women in the world are stalking me. (I guess this is the anger part of the grieving process)

You'd think I'd be over Almost Baby by now. You'd think I would be moved on. I am not. I am not ready to move on. Every once in a while I notice on my planner that has the weeks marked out on it. I would be xx along. I am not. I am not pregnant.

Maybe maybe someday we will be blessed again. Maybe, maybe someday I can rejoice with the feeling of life inside me again.

One of my friends announced today that she is expecting. I am happy for her. While I am happy for her, happy for her family, I am sad too. Sad and jealous. Forgive me friend for not putting my whole heart in it.

Moments in time

Have you ever had a moment when you can just feel the Lord's presence? When you are moved to tears by wonder, feeling wrapped in a cocoon of His love? I had that this morning. I was running Ali and just listening to the sounds, praying nothing specific just feeling the prayers. Feeling my breath, feeling the wind, and it hit me. It started with goose bumps but soon I was in tears, not sad tears. Thankful, joyful tears.

A small moment in time that I will cherish

lightning bolt moment

in the past few weeks I have had a number of circumstances that are making me re-evaluate how am living my life and my expectations from the same and from people in it. Today reflecting on all if it I had a realization that I need a make-over. I need to re-do a lot in my life re-evaluate a lot of choices. I can be a better person, a better, friend, a better wife, a better mom that I am being.

Princess's Surgery

She came through it great. She is a champ. She just had her first does of tylenol now...at 4:45

But this showed me how much I need a faith center in my life and in my childrens' lives. I prayed for her safety and the skill of the doctor 'captain golf shirt'.

Brian stressed me out..he was stressed..so he got obscenely sarcastic, which confuses people who do not know him- and me sometimes and I am married to him! (he got more than a few confused looks from the nurses)

I feel a connection with another mom whom I met through playgroup. It is wonderful, she has been through medical struggles of her own and her son has been through so much too. G-d sent her into my life to give us guidance and help me strengthen my faith. Maybe I am reading too much into it but how else could it have happened with the timing so great? I hope I can be a support to her when she needs it.

So thank you

I do not understand

Princess is having surgery tomorrow. in 12 hour s to be exact. 12 hours from now she will be under anesthesia. Pardon me while I throw up a little, nerves.

My friends are amazing. I am always shocked and amazed at how wonderful they are. We are blessed. Everyone has been so generous with meals offers for babysitting.han.all of it. I am amazed. Thank you. Thank you. Just thank you.

Here is where I am confused: my friends and family have been amazing. However Brian and his family hardly even seem to notice this is happening. Granted his mother and father did not visit Princess in the NICU once or in the PICU. But their grandchild is having surgery, you would think the would want to be there. You would think they would want to visit.

I am annoyed at their lack of concern and annoyed that they are so well unconcerned. I acknowledge that we have not had the best relationship over the years and very possibly I have pre-judged them.

Is their behavior odd or is it me being over concerned?

Insomnia

Well the stress of life has again taken its toll. It is 1:30-and I just did the dishes. Dishes. at 1:30 am. By the way my husband snores.

I will say this: I had fun today. Brian annoyed the pants off me in parts of it but running through sprinklers with my kids and shrieking with delight is a heck of a lot of fun (how come kids get the corner on the market on fun things to do?) Our neighbors must think we (me) are/am looney.. with all of the shrieking. However, it is one time this week where I could put all of everything out of my head and just play. Skylar was sad that her friends did not come out and play..she kept asking for them to come and run through the hose with her.

Also I had a nice long walk. Zoe in a sling and Ali we walked a few miles on the prairie path. I brought my ipod but ended up just chatting with Zoe, listening to the quiet (and noise), praying, and drinking in every moment.

Stress

Lately I have been insanely stressed. I mean to unusual proportions stressed. To be honest I am not handling so well. My usual copious milk supply is still there but I cannot let down leading to painful engorgement. Which of course leads to more stress.

Peas is teething. She is not a nice teether, she is a loud one, and her Velcro-ness has increased.
Princess is not doing anything wrong...she is just BOSSY; she wants to be in control of Stinky, and Stinky objects, strenuously, and she talks. constantly. Oh yeah, this small thing called surgery is coming up.

Ali continuously escapes.

I do not know why the need for the yard to get sodded and cleaned up is a source of stress for me but it is-maybe because the prospect of it is overwhelming.

Through this I am trying to find my way. Trying to revise the way I live my life, feed my children, and generally exist. Add that to my volunteer things (which I love, seeing babies and mommies connect and prosper is great)

Added to the pile is Brian's work. First the firefighting which scares me, his long hours, and his side job. I am frustrated.

To top it off I feel like 'my heart is floundering' to borrow a friends expression. A faith aspect of my life is missing and I need it. I want a 'center' that I can come back too when I am overwhelmed.

So what stresses you out? What Overwhelms you? What do you do about it?

Another article my sister wrote

The big kid

It’s a picture that will live in my mind forever: Frank walking down the road at Brookfield Zoo, his 4-year-cousin Skylar holding one hand and his 2-year-old cousin Billy holding the other.

Frank, who looks small in relation to Caroline, and is smaller than most boys his age, towers over his much-younger cousins, and he relished the role of being their leader and protector.

Due to a variety of circumstances, the planned zoo trip between our two families ended up including just Frank and me along with my sister and her three children, Skylar being the oldest.

So when she and Billy asked to get out of their stroller, we told Frank he would have to help us keep an eye on them. We piled bags into the stroller seats and pushed it, while my sister carried 5-month-old Zoe in a sling, and watched Frank take charge.

When we came a playground marked as most appropriate for children ages 2-5, Frank hung back and watched his cousins play. When we went into a building, he held the doors. When we went for food, he stood in line with me and helped me carry it back to the table.

Usually, when it’s just our family, Frank is the little guy, the one we try to make sure doesn’t get lost, the one who still holds our hands the parking lots, the one who can’t always see everything.

Caroline, with her 10-year-old sophistication, can be a great big sister, sparking Frank’s imagination with games involving their stuffed animals, or comforting him when he’s upset. But she likes to tell him how things are, or at least, how she perceives them to be. And she perceives herself to be the leader.

That’s good for her, but Frank needs chances to be the leader, too — and not just to lead his parents around, because he knows we’re humoring him.

His younger cousins aren’t humoring him when they take his hands so they won’t get lost. They’re just trusting him to know what he’s doing.

And when he has to, he does. He stayed close to us, asked which way to go when he didn’t know. He told Skylar when she climbed too high on the barriers, and told us when she didn’t climb down. He stopped running around and came to see what he could do when Billy fell and hurt his knee.

He didn’t whine or complain once. He liked the chance to be the big kid.

That’s not to say he always wants to be the big kid. He still likes to cuddle on our laps and to hug his stuffed animals.

Caroline sometimes says she’d like to be little again, with not so much pressure and responsibility. Her pressures — mostly selfimposed — are real to her, even if they’re not the kind that come with a mortgage and kids to feed.

But I don’t think she’d want to trade places with Frank permanently. Maybe just take a walk in his shoes every once in a while. Just like he got to.

Haven't said this in awhile

After talking with some friends about their husbands and the support they get I am again shocked at how blessed I am. Sure there are things that aggravate me, sure there are frustrations; but he is a great source of strength and support for me. Even when he is not there. He can calm me down and balance me out, and encourage me a ton. We do balance each other, he is laid back and I am hyper, he is social, and I am social, but only with people I know well.

The point of this is a response to so many husbands not being supportive of nursing/pumping. Brian is exceptionally supportive. If it were not for him I would not have even given it a try. He rubs my back, fetches snacks and water, brings me books, and is all in all great. He has taken me to the doctor for mastitis, he has bought nipple cream and gotten more than a few looks paying for it. When my pump broke he went out and bought a new one after trying to fix it. After my milk inexplicably dried up with Skylar he tracked down herbs and drugs and a pharmacy that compounds it to help me.

When Zoe is going through a growth spurt and eats ALL.THE.TIME he is the one who encourages me at three am when I want to sleep.

He washes the tubing and the parts, handles all of the storage, sets me up, and does everything except make the milk and nurse.

If more husbands were that supportive more moms would feel encouraged and nurse longer or at least try it.

So thank you hun. Thank you even though I am not good at expressing it all the time, thank you for all your support. I should appreciate you more.

Chores

Seeing that my wonderful husband is away much of the time a large portion of the household tasks fall to me. Sometimes so much so that I feel like a single mom who gets support every 2 weeks (I do not mean this in anyway to slight single moms. I realize you ladies work harder than I could even imagine).

That said, I have certain things I *don't* do, or if I have to do them, complain about them, and the buy myself a present for doing them.

I have very little problem cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning the house (kitchen, bathrooms, vacuuming, dusting), laundry, walking dogs, general household stuff. That takes a lot of time.

Until last summer I had NEVER cut grass, ever. I did it once last year and thus far once this year, I have told Brian I am too cute to cut grass. This year I was going to to have to cut the grass again, Brian was at the firehouse so I asked the neighbor to look after my herd while I cut the grass. He said he'd rather cut it. So I made him cookies. Making cookies is infinitely better than cutting grass

I have never painted aside from art class, I have never ever painted, and I do not want to start.
Which is probably why the house needs painting.

I do not take out garbage. Yuck..enough said.

I do not pick up dog poop..see above..unless we are on a walk, then I pick it up.

I do not operate power tools. I am a klutz and would find a way to injure myself.

I do not do anything that requires a ladder- see above.

I do not empty kitty litter-see comment about dog poop.

If anything MAJOR happens without fail Brian is at the firehouse, the furnace died? Brian was at the firehouse, the A/C breaks- Brian is at the firehouse. Basement floods-firehouse. Skylar flushes her underpants and floods upstairs-firehouse.

So I have a lot of companies phone numbers on speed dial. Need a plumber? see entry 4. Need an HVAC person see #5.

Milk donor

I am a breastmilk donor. I am proud of it. It is an honor to help another woman feed her child. Before people get all 'eww ick, it is a bodily fluid' well so is cows milk...except this is made for people.

I firmly believe that breast milk is best for babies. Also, we have been on the other side, when it is less than easy to produce the amount needed. Thankfully I have been blessed with enough milk for a small country this time.

Part of it is, I wish that birth and mothering was a more supportive thing. There is so much judgment. I wish it were the way that I have read about with women supporting women helping each other through something that only another woman can understand.

Man v. Beast

A few topics here as per usual.

the other night we had a lot of flies in the house. Our front door is continually open flies come in and out. No big deal right? Well meet my husband. Man of the house...MAN hear me ROAR...Which translates too I need to kill the flies. He tried with a towel, a can of hairspray, a rubberband....one was killed, when he stepped on it.

Man v. Ali

We have a Siberian Husky. Her name is Alaska...Ali for short. She is a Houdini. We have spent countless amounts of money on keeping her here. We built a dog run, got a new fence, electric fence, concrete, and she still gets out.

30 Years

This weekend was my in-laws 30th anniversary. Those of you who know me know that we have had an adversarial relationship, that has recently been peaceful due to an undeclared cease-fire. As long as politics are avoided, we can for the most part get along.

Brian was supposed to be at the firehouse that day. Therefore I expected to have the challenge of finding the restaurant in an unfamiliar area and wrangling three children all while not beating my in laws. Thankfully Brian took pity on me. He knew that it would very hard for me to do all of that. Especially because I do not like to drive, I avoid it whenever possible, I have a fear of getting lost, and there is not enough xanax in the world to help me find my way to Melrose Park (why Melrose Park???Why?) and the restaurant and maintain decorum with my in laws.

The party started at 11:00 am...a brunch thing...(I have said my in-laws are interesting people) A brunch party, in Melrose Park, at an Italian Place (My in laws live in Niles, hence the confusion over location, and they are NOT Italian...I do not get the brunch choice at all though)

It was a buffet creative food choices. I always eat before I go...food allergies...strange-ness.
So whatever, we get there and his mother is decked out in an off-white cocktail dress with rhinstone stillettos. Okay..odd...but sure its your party. (If she wanted to wear a cocktail dress have a cocktail party!)

We chat and make nice then get ready to sit. Finally...Brian gets a boutinerre for being his parents son...again okay, whatever. Then Mother in Law, who insists I call her mom, wants a pciture with 'her family' No wives, but she does want her grandchildren. Brian's brothers wife and I give each other a look and get on with it.

We eat. EVERYTHING has strawberries! EVERYTHING! Gah! Again I am thankful I ate before I came. She comes over to our table and wants to show off her ring. "do you want to see my ring?" (I am thinking not really, I really want a diet coke) sure show me the damn ring.

Next drama. Billy Burns himself. The kids experienced their cake multisensory style. Brian wiped them off due to the afore mentioned strawberries. I was nursing Zoe..Billy went behind my chair and reached down and touched a can light on the floor. Amazingly he did not shriek. He very calmly walked around to me and simply said, "hot", and showed me his hand. I was confused. Brian said it was because he wiped too hard on his hand. I did not want to explain friction to a 2 year old so we left it at that and he climbed on to my lap. This time I noticed his had was red and blistered. "huh? this is not from daddy wiping is it?" I asked. He answered "hot". I called brian over and showed him the burn, we looked around and saw the light on the floor and asked him if he touched it. He said he had. We let him play with ice for a while...Soon enough it was time to go home...and home we went.

A few posts in one

Okay here goes:

Another faith thing to touch on: my sister is staunchly Catholic. I am envious of her faith. I *know* Catholicism is not for me but I wish I had her commitment to a church/temple etc.

I had a crappy day yesterday. My toe hurts, wallet was stolen...all in all a crappy day. But at the very very end of it I had some great news. A friend of mine is FINALLY bringing home their daughter from Korea. So excited for them, and I get to buy baby (or nearly one year old presents).

In the midst of re-reading Obama's The Audacity of Hope (how do I underline stuff), and have more than once been moved to tears by his commitment and his thoughts. I truly pray that he is our next president. We NEED him. Some of his beliefs are contrary to mine but his willingness for dialogue and compromise is unique and genuine. I love his statement on the Constitution that our republic is not a house to be built but a conversation to be had. He respects strict contructionalists and recognizes that in areas the Constitution is clear ie: how old a president is, but in other areas, we must use it as guidence not as an instruction manuel.

I need to go buy another copy today....I may or may not have accidentally given mine a bath